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Ever since I shared my middl...
The following is an actual letter to the author. It includes references to violence and sexual assault. Identifying information has been removed.
Dear Meghan,
When I was 15, I went to a sleep-away camp. There was a boy there that didn't quite fit in. On the first day he approached me and asked if I would go out with him. I said no, and assumed that that was that. The next day he came back again with a pornographic drawing of me. I was told that he had a mental disability that prevented him from understanding others' feelings and wishes, so I let him off the hook temporarily. I told the counselors there that I was not comfortable being around him, and they shared my concerns. He had brought a knife with him, and on the first night threatened (possibly jokingly) to kill himself and others.
One day he cornered me and jumped on me. He managed to hold me down and take my running shorts off before I kicked him hard enough to wind him. He grabbed a sharp stick and tried to stab me with it, so I took a large rock and smashed it against his head. I tried to kill him. He ran away. I didn't tell anyone.
The worst part is that I don't know if I can blame him. He clearly did not understand 'NO' meant get off. I don't even know if I can call myself a victim if I fought him off. But I sure as hell do not blame myself. I've only told two people, because when I talk about it, I remember too much.
After I left camp, I spent a few months completely blocking it out. Then at school, I had a class where I was the only girl. Once again I heard justification for rape, assault, humiliation; all said while I was in the room with no other women to help me. I'm trying to forget it again, but it's difficult.
Sincerely,
Help me forget
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Dear HMF,
I have good news and bad news. I think you already know the bad news: Forgetting doesn't work. Unfortunately, you're likely to encounter a lot more scenarios like the one with your male classmates, and unless you work through what happened to you, every instance will be painful. The most traumatic events in our lives embed themselves within our psyche, changing the way we experience the world forever. Many scientists believe trauma literally affects our DNA, even that it's passed down between generations. So give yourself a break from actively trying to forget the details of what happened. The work ahead of you requires remembering.
The good news? There's a proven method for coping with this kind of thing, and you don't need to do it alone.
What you went through would traumatize anyone. I recommend finding an experienced therapist who specializes in something called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This kind of therapy involves focusing your eyes on different points and/or holding vibrating paddles in your hands while you concentrate on what happened that day at camp. The therapist will ask you to describe any sensory details you remember about the event. She might follow up with questions like, "What were you thinking about right before he cornered you?" or "What happened when you decided to fight back?" You don't need to answer aloud, which is why many folks prefer EMDR to traditional talk therapy. After the familiar waves of fear, shame, anger, and sorrow, you'll arrive at a feeling of deep relief.
Eventually, you must be the one to convince yourself of the truth. Your fellow camper's disability was never your responsibility, beyond the kindness you showed him initially. The counselors and other camp leadership ignored the knife he brought to camp and failed to keep you safe. You were a teenager reacting bravely and reasonably in the face of unfair danger.
By reframing the upsetting events with intention, guided by a licensed professional, you can help your brain find peace. The process can be exhausting and difficult, but it can lead to incredible breakthroughs. Good luck.
In solidarity,
Meghan
Disclaimer: This advice column is for informational and entertainment purposes only. I'm not a licensed mental health professional and the advice provided is not intended to replace professional advice. Neither I nor Wattpad bears responsibility for any outcomes resulting from the advice given.
