36 Questions to Fall in Love...in 36 days!

Chapter 12: Affirmations and Pancakes

7th  of November 2023🥀

" I'm strong and courageous."

I stared straight at the mirror, dark eyes wavering and stance firm but every affirmation I spoke felt like a lie. It felt like every time I said something good about myself out loud, the silence would laugh at me.

I considered myself a mostly confident guy. I took care of myself,loved my hair. Did well in school and whatever was a mess I trusted God to work out.

But there would be these moments in my life. Moments where I'd fall into a rut. Moments where I couldn't pick myself up or even look at myself. Where I felt more fragile than glass.

Moments like these, where sadness would fill my heart and I wouldn't really understand why. I shook off these feelings and started to get ready for school. Today was the Physics Exam and I know I've been portraying this whole  'I got this' attitude but I  was really freaking out about messing up in this exam.

I couldn't fail today.
I just couldn't.

I stepped into the kitchen where Mkhulu flipped the pancakes and they came out looking oddly shaped.

"Morning."

He looked up and gave me a small smile.

"Sleep well?"

"Y-yeah" I said, voice cracking.

I hoped he didn't hear it.

I busied myself by pouring juice for the both of us. Anything to stop myself from thinking. Mkhulu dished the pancakes on the plate, settling on to his stool across from me.

I sat back down, taking hold of my glass of juice and hating how my hands trembled almost making the juice spill. I slammed the glass down, hiding my trembling hand underneath the table and squeezing my thigh.

My heart rate picked up to an alarming beat and it felt like it was violently slamming against my chest. I couldn't eat.

"You're oddly quiet."

I didn't respond.

"Is it about your mother?"

"It's not about her."

"Do you —"

" I don't want to talk about it."

I know, it was wrong shutting him out like that but I just couldn't understand myself as well. How could I explain myself to him?

He had a frown on his face and instantly all my problems and feelings didn't matter.

I looked down at the pancakes I didn't even touch. I lifted one up, scrutinizing it, then " This one kinda looks like a donkey."

Mkhulu looks up,a glimmer of something in his dark eyes. He looks at the piece of pancake I hold up and he smiles.

"It does, doesn't it? But a very fat donkey."

I chuckle, picking another pancake off my plate.  " This one on the other hand looks like the moon but if it was punched by God."

Mkhulu laughs at this,my heart becoming a little at ease by the sound of his gruff laughter.

He lifts one of his weird shaped pancakes off his plate, scrutinizing it. "This one is like a wig"

We laugh.

And for the next few minutes, Mkhulu and I tease the pancakes he made. Don't get me wrong, they're delicious.

It's just that he's tried and he's tried but he's failed every time. Mkhulu cannot get the pancakes to be in that perfect circle shape.