feels like - charles leclerc

19

As I sat in the cab that I called from the lobby, I couldn't help but break down in tears. It was a little over an hour drive to the airport and I knew that once I set foot outside I'd have to act and look as if I hadn't been crying. I had just over an hour to let myself grieve the past 6 months.

Once I reached the airport it all felt like a blur. I bought the first ticket out to New York as I couldn't stand being in Monaco. Everything there would remind me of him. My cornelia street apartment was also riddled with pieces of him, but it felt safer. He had only been there for a week before we flew out to Austria. The small things left behind could easily be thrown in the bin.

The flight went by quickly and even the one stop we had to make felt fast. I slept most of the time from the pure exhaustion coursing through my body. The hour of crying definitely took a toll on me.

Once I reached New York it felt like a breath of fresh air. I called up the people I usually wrote songs with and let them know I was back in town and ready to start when they were. I didn't go to therapy like any sane person. I wrote about all my problems and feelings and put them out to send them away. My songs were my public letters to the ones who hurt me the most.

As I reached my apartment I finally turned on my phone to a flood of messages from everyone who ever knew me. I did my rounds responding to family first letting them know where I was and what I would be doing.

A few minutes later a call came in from Lily and I answered right away.

"Oh my god finally are you okay? We know what happened where are you? You're not in Monaco so are you back in New York?"

"I'm in New york but please don't tell him that. Let him think I locked myself away in Monaco or London but not here please."

"Wait him? Wait what happened?"

As soon as the words left her mouth I knew he hadn't completely told her the truth. Before I could even react i was spilling out every thought and feeling I had held in.

"he broke up with me lily. after everything he broke up with me to focus on his career. I mean what kind of excuse is that! he told me i wasn't a distraction he lied to me and then some girl started liking and commenting on his posts. she liked mine too so i figured they were friends since she knew who i was. i noticed he was distant for a few days but i just figure he was tired from everything we were doing i never thought that this would happen. i dont know if she had anything to do with it but i cant help but think-"

"that he was talking to her while he was with you." lily finished. i could hear Alex stop what he was doing in the background.

"yeah so i left. i caught the first flight here and i'm not planning on going back to Monaco till I finish this album. I have to do it before my lease is up so i can move out and move here."

"are you sure thats what you want? i mean you just released an album and you have a support system here. who will you talk to in New York?"

"Yes but that album was all about him and us. There is no us anymore and I'd rather be alone than stuck in a place that reeks of him. We live in the same building for fucks sake." I said, running my hand through my hair.

The rest of the call was pretty short. Lily had given me one of her almighty pep talks that made me sob even harder before telling me to take my time before coming home.

Home. It felt weird to think of a place I called home not including Charles. We may have only dated for 6 months but it felt like my heart and soul belonged alongside him. I brought him everywhere i loved, there was bound to be a piece of him in all places.

I checked my phone again to see some messages from Charles. I took a deep breath before opening the chat. I know the curiosity would've killed me if i didn't at least see what he had to say.

iMessages

charles💗
ma cherie, im sorry i promise its only for a little while. once i'm in a good position we can go back to how we were. i hate this as much as you do but you told me you understood that my job came first at times. sadly this is one of those times. i'll work on things to make it better for us in the future. this won't be forever, i love you too much to just let you go like that.

charles💗
please answer our calls

charles💗
don't shut everyone out Catalina we're worried about you. tell someone you're safe i need to know you made it home okay.

charles💗
alex and lily told me you're okay. i understand you don't want to see me or hear from me. please take care of yourself my love. we'll be back soon i promise.

I changed his contact name back to something normal as i didn't have the heart to delete it just yet. I didn't respond but I'm sure he would see that i read the messages.

I laid on bed looking at the ceiling wondering where it all went wrong. was it was something i had done or said? was it was really the team or the italian girl in his comments? i didn't get much sleep that night but i wrote many things down in my journal for when i met with my team the following day.

A part of me had hope he'd keep his promise, that this would be just one of the breaks people take to grow. we'd be together again before the race in Monaco. but another part of me was certain this was the beginning of the end. and i had no clue which side of me i believed more.