On Set

18

It had been almost five months that Chris and I had been together for, and I could count the times I've seen him on my fingers. I had just come back from a visit in LA. I usually fly there, since it was easier for me to fly back to the US. Each good bye is more tiring, and harder. The long distance, was definitely putting stress on us. Stress that neither of us needed or wanted.

The Spain, set was almost done. We were on our last construction project, we were almost done. Just a couple weeks longer. Chris already planned to come up in a week, I told him to fly into Seville, Spain.

The press, found out my name, and every day Whitney got calls from different people wanting to talk to me. She answered them, saying I was busy, or had no comment. She jokingly said that her Christmas Bonus better make her faint, and I agreed. When you google searched Jones Studio, you no longer saw my website first, but my name splashed as Chris Evans' new girl. It made it harder to run a business that way. I knew some of my clients, weren't pleased with the idea of me dating an actor. It felt unprofessional to them, and my brain told me they were right. My heart told me they should just shove it up their asses.

I felt as if I need a vacation from this life. Something was dragging me down. Maybe it was because I felt so lost. When I was without Chris, I missed him, a lot. I missed him so much, I would get annoyed with myself. I'd tell myself, that I'd never should have gotten this close to him. I told myself I shouldn't have become addicted like I was to him. I shouldn't want him like I do, because I'll only hurt myself. When I was with him, I wondered if I did love him. When he told me he loved me I said nothing but kissed him. I wondered, could I give myself to him? Could I let him see every part of me? I thought I was failing myself. I had worked so hard to become the strong, independent woman I am, and letting myself fall in love with him, seemed like I was giving that all up. I gave all of that up last time. I felt as if I was selling myself away, if I love him. I knew I was failing, him and me. I couldn't love him, I couldn't give myself up yet.

I was fine on my own. I was making it. I was doing better than surviving. I was becoming successful, and I still am. But he came along, and I watched the painting I created crack. My hard work on myself, and my life was falling apart. I thought I had set a good foundation, now I realized I never even built one.

When Chris came to Seville, I showed him around. I took him to the hotel we were staying at. The room, was bare, with just a bed, and a balcony. The bathroom was down the hallway, and was shared by the floor. There was a small table to set stuff on but that was all that was in the room. Chris looked a little surprised when he entered it. He probably took up half the room with just his body.

Finally getting a chance to relax he pulled me in for a hug kissing my forehead. I ran my hands down his arms to his hands. "I know the owner of the hotel. Her name is Rosa. After I left, I traveled around Europe. I bought myself a camera in London, and bought clothes, and tickets on a basis of when I needed them." I explained to Chris as we looked out the tiny window together.

"Why did you go to London first?"

"A couple reasons really. One it was the first flight out of the country I saw. Of course England speaks English so I thought it would be best if I started out there. It seemed manageable. It was the first time I had left North America." I don't know why I wanted to take him to Seville, maybe it was because I loved this city. Maybe I wanted him to understand me more, and the parts of my life I kept more hidden.

"Did your family know you were traveling around Europe, alone?"

"They knew I was in Europe, they thought for work. They still kind of do. I didn't tell them about my time here. But really the pictures I took of the architecture here did help me. I used to work as an architect before I quit."

"Why didn't you tell them what happened?" Chris asked as he followed me down into the street right outside the hotel.

"I don't know, maybe I wanted something for myself. I liked the idea, that some memories would be mine only. The things I saw and did, didn't have to be shared. I wanted privacy. Something I hadn't had in a long time." I took Chris sight seeing and showed him all my favorite buildings.

"Did you know that the moors, built all these temples here?" I pointed to the temple I wanted to show him. "Notice, that they never sculpted animals, or people. They did that because they believe their god only made animals, or people."

"Wow. Where do you keep all this information?"

"In my brain, don't feel bad you don't have one."

"I hate you."

"Turn around and smile." I said taking out my phone to take a picture. Behind Chris was a beautiful old building. It looked grand and intricate. The details on the building was amazing, each design was carefully sketched out. Chris gave the biggest, fake smile I've ever seen. It was like he was trying to as many teeth as he could.

"Smile for real or I'll punch you in the face!" I yell making him laugh. He finally stopped laughing enough for me to take a nice picture.

"You know, we have never taken a couple picture." I mentioned looking through my phone.

"What, really?"

"Yeah, let's just knock that out right now. Smile." I told him and I gave a cheesy smile next to Chris who did the same thing. We looked like a bunch of dorks together. We took a couple more for good measure. Most of them were silly pictures, with silly faces that made us laugh. Someone asked if we wanted them to take a picture of us, and that turned out to be the best picture of us.

At the end of the night we curled up on a bench looking at a fountain in front of us. In the fountain was a statue of a beautiful ivory color. Surround us were buildings that matched the older, but grand architecture that surrounded Spain. We watched people float by, and we watched the sun set and we staid curled up in each other. We watched as the sun set lower and lower making the buildings glow. We watched as it slowly went behind the buildings until night settled in. We snacked on some more churros and enjoyed our time together.

"I churro like you" I told him. My legs rested across his lap. His arm laid on the back of the bench and curled around me. His other hand slid up and down my leg.

"What?"

"Like sure do, but churro. Get it?"

"That was awful, and it almost physically hurt me." Chris whined setting his hand on his heart.

"What! No! That wasn't that bad!" I yelled defensively. He laughed and I wondered if I could love him. I wondered that maybe I already did. When he laughed it was like he was going to make the sun come out. It was when he laughed at my bad jokes, or looked at me for to long, or smiled to himself that I wondered if maybe I had already given myself up to him.

"I love you" he whispered in the crook of my neck as if he would read my mind. He pressed a soft kiss there. I smiled at his words, and looked at him, daring myself to say the same thing. Instead I gave him a kiss like I always do when he says that.

"I know you don't quite feel the same way, but that's okay." He told me, but it wasn't okay. My inability to say these words, weighed down on us.

"It's not." I told him, he said nothing but kissed me again. I wanted to push him away, I wanted to walk away, run even. Couldn't he see? Couldn't he see I had nothing to give him? Couldn't he see how empty I was? Didn't he understand we were like stagnate waters, never going any where?

I had nothing to give him. I had no heart, soul, nothing. I was hallow, blowing in the wind. I was a dead tree, only staying in the ground because of the roots that were planted. I was nothing. I had no time, only a resilient interest in life itself. Only a constant feeling of fleeing. I was never made to give life, love. I was made to fall with the wind that knocked me over, like I was trained to do so. My planter never wanted me to live, so here I am suffering, and surviving.

I had nothing for him and yet he stayed. Why? Soon he'd learn that I was hallow. And when he left, I'll just become even more hallow, because he held what was left of me.

He once asked me, why I always pull back. He argued we take two steps forward and a step back every time we're together.