On Set

24

Kissing Danny was a release of some kind. It felt good in the moment. And I needed something—anything. Chris had moved on and it was time for me too. The world kept turning and hurdling itself through space. So fuck it. It was my turn and I wanted to feel something, anything like the high we were.

His lips moved with mine, and every now and then he would make a sweet humming noise. His lips were soft, and seemed to devour mine. They were firm and moved gracefully down my cheek and neck. He was good at this, maybe not as good as Chris, but I could live with kisses like this.

How did I get there? The door was shut to his apartment and he kept backing me up into his room. His hands ran up and down my body searching for the best landing place. Chris would have had a hand on the small of my back that would have kept trailing down. I pulled away, about to say something when he nipped at my bottom lip. My hands were around his neck pulling him closer while wishing he was further. There was a sinking feeling in my gut. A ghost sat on my chest.

"Danny" I whispered in his ear slowing him down. He looked at me—his brown eyes wide. Searching them, I found nothing of what I was looking for. I wasn't looking for another mistake to make. Even after all this time, he wasn't the one I was looking for.

"We can't, we shouldn't." I said softly. Not only was I not comfortable with sleeping with an employee, I wasn't comfortable with Danny as a person. He said nothing but kissed me sweetly on the cheek. His breaths were sallow like mine, and I felt bad for working him up and pulling the plug, but I couldn't do it. I needed to leave.

Okay was all he said, and I knew he wanted to ask me a thousand questions. I didn't give him the opportunity.

"I'm sorry." I told him grabbing my purse and fixing my clothes before showing myself out of his apartment. I ran down the flight of stairs to the door of his complex. I took to the cooling streets of Boston and walked home wishing I could just scream into the night air. I wanted to scream and curse the universe and Chris all for fucking me over. I wanted to move on with my life, but this nagging, empty feeling followed me like a ghost. It sat on my chest and reminded me that I was missing something.

I wanted to scream. What was I missing? I had a wonderful family. The sweetest friends. I had a job I absolutely loved. I was fortunate enough to have a nice apartment and travel the world. How could life feel like sand slipping through my fingers? How could it feel like something I'm losing and can't save? But maybe that was the whole mystery. Maybe life really is supposed to feel like you're riding in a car with no brakes.

Once at my apartment building I waved to a neighbor I barely knew and jammed the key in the door. The apartment felt empty when I walked in. I opened up a couple windows to feel the fresh air. My stomach felt twisted with anxiety. I wanted to go somewhere. My restlessness was always the worst, it always got me into trouble. I thought about having an all nighter were I just walk around the town, or take the subway to the end a couple times. But I knew I would hate myself if I did that since I have an early morning tomorrow. Plus it wasn't safe for me.

I set my purse on the table and trudged myself up the stairs to my bed. I laid on my side trying to figure out why I felt so lost. I never minded being alone, in fact I liked it. But something in me seemed broken, or missing. I just wanted to go home. After years of wondering the earth I wanted to find peace in it. I wanted to find a home. I wanted to go home to him. But he was miles away, close to the one he loves.

The next morning I woke up late and rushed to work. I put in a couple hours before I headed down to Cap Cod. I rented a car so it would be easy for me to come and go. I had a set up there and I had never visited the town. I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.