The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell

Chapter 2

After laying on the floral sheets of your bed, contemplating your decision, you decide to reach over the bed for your phone. The only person from your past that you have kept in touch with is Louise. She has supported you through so much and she promised not to tell Dan or Phil that she talks to you still. She says it's difficult not to but she will, for your sake. At a time like this where you have a big decision to make, you need to speak to her. You dial her number and place your phone to your ear.

"Hello?" You say.

"Hey, one sec" Louise whispers, "Dan and Phil are here"

You wait as Louise finds a way to escape the room so that she can talk to you.

"I'm back" Louise says, "What's up hun?"

"Are you busy because I may be a while..." You admit.

"No it's fine, they are editing a video so they probably won't come out here" Louise replies.

"Ok, well I have just been offered a job from the BBC"

"Oh my gosh! Babe that's fab!" Louise squeals.

"It's in London" You quickly say.

"Really?"

"Yeah and Luke said he would come with me and-"

"Did it not occur to you that Dan and Phil also work for the BBC?" Louise states, "They are radio hosts which means you'll have to work alongside them both."

Crap. You completely forgot that. Is it bad that it makes you want to go even more?

"Yeah but that's the radio side of things so I could work for a different section" You point out, "Plus Luke and I were going to move in together once we are down there."

You hear Louise sigh.

"I really want to support you through this (y/n) but a year after you and Dan stopped talking to each other is bit too soon to be moving back here with your boyfriend" Louise tells you.

"I know Louise. I'm just struggling with getting a job and living up here. I want to go home and if that means bumping into Dan, than I'll have to try my best to stay calm and get over it."

"I know Hun, but it won't be as easy as you think. You and Dan were upset for months after you stopped seeing each other and-"

"Then I found Luke and knew that I didn't need Dan to be happy" You interrupt.

You know that you didn't mean those words. No one can replace Dan and you would love to see him again but if he was to see you now, he probably wouldn't recognise you. You ended up with a lot of identity problems due to lack of self confidence so you changed the way you look. Every time you looked in the mirror you saw brokenness - you had to change that. Instead of your original hair colour, your hair became a dark red. Also, you now cover your face in make up so that you look 'perfect' - whatever that means! Either way, you don't look the same as you used to and it may take Dan a few glances to actually realise it was you.

A lot changes in a year.

"Well it's up to you what you do. I will support you either way - at least you can visit me more often!" Louise tells you.

"Thank you Louise." You say.

"That's okay!"

"I'll talk to you later"

"Ok bye!"

You hang up the call and take a deep breath. You don't know what do or think anymore. This could either be the best decision you ever made or the worst choice in the history of choices.

"Knock knock" Luke sings as he opens your door, "Hey babe, Margaret said you haven't eaten again today"

"Wasn't hungry"  You mumble.

Luke exhales heavily and walks into the room. He is the last person you want to talk to about this.

"You need to eat more (y/n)" Luke tells you.

"I don't want to and you won't make me!" You hiss, standing up to walk over to the window sill.

You hear footsteps coming closer to you and you shiver as Luke's hand it placed against your back. He's supposed to be your boyfriend but you can't help but feel sick to the stomach when he touches you and it's definitely not butterflies!

"(y/n) I just care about you - that's all!" He says softly.

Shrugging off his hand, you mumble the words "I wish the feeling was mutual".

Luke's hand falls to his side and you feel yourself begin to get angry - not a him but at yourself. Luke actually cares about you and you seem to associate him with Dan too much that you push him away. You just need to remember that Luke isn't Dan. Unfortunately, that's exactly the problem.

Luke's not Dan.

You spin around and look at the hurt on his face.

"I'm sorry Da- Luke" You quickly say, "I didn't mean it. I'm just stressed out over this whole moving thing"

Luke looks confused at your near mistake but becomes more sympathetic towards you, placing his arm around you again.

"It's fine baby" He says, "Maybe you should give it a few trial months. You go to London, start working and see how it turns out. If you enjoy living there and working there, I'll move down there with you!"

"Actually, that sounds good" You smile, "Are you sure we'd be okay being separate for so long?"

"Of course!" He chuckles, "We can skype everyday and if you really don't like it there, you can move back up here! You might as well give a try!"

"Okay." You say, "Thank you Luke!"

He wraps his arms around you, bringing you in closer for a hug but it still just doesn't feel right. The musk you are taking in isn't the same one you used to breath in and the arms wrapped around you don't feel as secure as they once were. But then again, that's because you're hugging a completely different person.

You wish you never said goodbye to Dan. You thought it would make things easier but if anything, it's made things harder.

Truthfully, your fingers are crossed that you see Dan in London. Maybe, just maybe, you can begin from where you left off.

A/N So you're going to London for a few months to start your new job! Will you see Dan? Will you enjoy it there? Will you want to go back and will you stay with Luke? SO MANY QUESTIONS STILL! What do you think should happen? Let me know in the comments and don't forget to vote if you are enjoying where this story is heading! Thanks ~ Katie