everlasting 一 pjm, kth

skin.

i hate to admit it, but i miss your touch. i want to hold your hands again so i can feel sane, even for a second, because without you, i feel like i've gone mad.

i don't feel welcome in my own home anymore. because i know that at one point, it belonged to you as well.

by setting foot inside, as i am surrounded by the off-white walls, i feel as if i am betraying you somehow. which is messed up in a way, when i know that it was you whom betrayed me in the first place.

yet still, when i am in my empty bedroom, i can't help but feel that it is still our bedroom.

i recently discovered something of you left here.

you left your old cashmere sweater here. it sat there in your old and empty closet you can't go in anymore, dull without vibrancy and collecting dust in a dark corner. when i first saw it, i thought my sight had betrayed me and i was seeing pieces of you that i wished you left behind. but, i reached out and touched it, and i felt the soft material rustle beneath my fingertips.

and then, seconds later, i snatched my hand away. it was as if it had burned me and left a brand in my skin, but in reality it hadn't. i was just scared that if i touched it for even a second longer, it would disintegrate beneath my fingertips and i would have nothing to remember you by, no trace of you left in my house.

but soon after, i wished it would disappear.

it reminded me of you. every single time i looked at that old closet, my heart rose inside my chest and my throat tightened up painfully and i had to turn away. i regretted being so breakable and weak, like aged fine china.

i couldn't stand it. so i threw your soft cashmere sweater on the ground and i tossed a lighter on it.

there are still charred remains on the wooden floor.