Matter

CHAPTER 16

The next morning, the group of volunteers meets in the lobby before leaving to gather supplies from a town five miles to the south of our location. Lucius has found a map in the office and the group pinpoints the first town and several others to travel to in the coming weeks.

I watch them, wondering if there are still soldiers out there that weren't scared back to their homeland. I wonder how close the virus is. I'm curious if this is the last time I will see some of these people. It seems to be the theme of my life right now.

Michael joins us in the lobby and readies himself as well. I especially hope he comes back. He's the closest person I have right now, and I don't want to lose him as I have Nick and Dylan.

He hugs me close, and says with a cheerful smile, "No worries! I can do this and you can keep calm and play nice with everyone else until I get back." He laughs as he points a finger in my face as a father would a child. I salute him in comedic fashion and he turns and addresses the group, "Ok, guys, are we ready?"

Each man nods at Michael, "Ready." They say their goodbyes to loved ones and turn to the door.

He starts for the door, "Let's go then. Lucius, look for us when we come to open the gate."

Lucius firmly assures him, "Will do, Michael. Be safe out there."

Lucius and I walk the group out of the lobby and into the courtyard. We continue to watch them as they begin down the dark path under the blue glow just before dawn.

                                                                                        *

It is almost dusk before figures are visible walking down the path. I've been waiting since the late afternoon for their return, to see if Michael returns. When I see his face as he steps in the light I can see he's visibly shaken as he quickly ushers his group through the gate. He barricades it quickly behind them. They've retrieved so much baggage, they are relieved to drop the weight in the yard and drop to the ground themselves.

Lucius walks to Michael, seeing the fear in his eyes, "Michael, my boy, what happened? Are you okay, son?" His concern travels to each in the group as they all look as if they may cry.

Through his shaking voice he recounts the moments that created the fear, "Those people were in the town, about three of them. I think the virus is worse than they told us, Lucius. They almost got Brent. We opened fire on them, taking the first two down quickly. The last was hit, but not lethally, and it got back up and kept coming until I shot it in the head. They look very awkward, yellow skin and where they are hit they bleed black blood. Their eyes were almost white. It was like being in a nightmare." His voice trails off as does his gaze and I suppose his mind is reliving the memory of the ordeal.

Lucius began a head count, "I'm so glad that you all are okay. Everyone is back, right? We didn't lose anyone did we?"

A young man speaks up, "No, sir. Michael kept us all together and made sure we all made it back."

Lucius grips Michael's shoulder, giving him a strong pat of reassurance, "Good job, son, you are a hero."

His eyes communicate he's reliving the terrifying ordeal, "I don't feel like it. The one I shot in the head was a teenage girl, sir. I can't believe I did that. She was just a kid. I can't believe she was just a kid."

Lucius shakes him out of his thoughts, "You did what you had to do! That was not a little girl anymore, she was long gone already. You saved each of your men and brought them back. We are all proud of you. And look at what all you brought back, you have aided to save us all."

Michael looks at Lucius and lets the tears fall across his cheeks, making trails in the dust on his face. He nods, wiping them away, and picks up his bags of supplies to take into the building. His group somberly follows him. We lock and bar the front door for the night.

The community of people quickly surrounds the group in the lobby. Each grabs their friend or loved one that made the trip today, embracing them tightly. The older men congratulate the bravery of the young men. The women hug their husbands, thankful they made it back. Fathers hug their children, thankful to be alive.

I watch the scene from the threshold of the door, not wanting to move any farther. The pain of watching a happy reunion reminds me that I will not get the chance to be thankful that Dylan has made it back alive, or have Nick grab his father, thankful of his return. My emotions float away, like a large balloon that has gotten away from a distracted child. My heart wants to reach out and feel elated for the return of the group, but it only embraces emptiness.

I can't watch this anymore. I turn to walk up to my room. It's too much for me to bear. I enter and look out the barred window, the soft glow of the moon touches my skin, illuminating it with silver light. The clouds pass by slowly, blocking the light every few seconds. Looks like we will be having rain in the days to come.

I lay on the bed, the springs protesting at the weight after all these years. I drift off to sleep, wanting to dream of Nick, Dylan and the life I once had. I hated that life just days ago. Now, I would give everything to have it all back again even if just for a moment.

                                                                                  *

A knock at my door wakes me out of my slumber. I look at my window and see the full moon still hanging high in the sky, slinking behind long thick clouds. There's another small rap and I jump to open the door. Michael is standing there with a graven face, looking like he has seen a ghost.

His voice cracks and he covers his face, "Lena, I'm the one that needs a shoulder now. I can't get those things out of my head, the way they looked, their screeches, and the look the girl gave when I shot her."

I take him in my arms, "Michael, remember what Lucius said, that was no longer a girl. The girl was already gone. All that was left was the disease." I try to be as comforting as I can for him.

His voice breaks as his tears soak into my shoulder, "That wasn't the worst part, Lena," I brace myself, "We had disturbed them from where they were. Brent walked into a house that still had lights on. He walked in on those things eating a family in the kitchen. I couldn't believe it. I have never seen anything that horrific in my entire life."

I can't say anything. I thought those things weren't cannibalistic. I mean, I know what I had thought, but no, this can't be happening. As my mind races, I remain silent and just let him let go of the pain that's torturing him.

He stands straight after a few moments and wipes the tears from his eyes, "Thank you, Lena. I just needed to let it out."

I dismiss his want to thank me, "No problem. It is the least I can do since you have done it for me." He leans down and kisses my cheek. I jump back, not sure how to respond, "I'm sorry... I can't.."

He smiles at me, "Its ok. I'm not putting the moves on you. It's only to say thank you." My face burns with embarrassment from my response. He looks deep into my eyes, "I love you, Lena and I don't want you to feel we have to complicate it with an intimate relationship."

I look up at him and smile. He tousles my hair and motions for me to follow him. We make our way down to the kitchen and he walks into the refrigerator. After hearing sounds of scooting and clanking, he steps out carrying two beers, wearing a silly grin.

We go to the lobby and pop open the first thing that has made either of us feel halfway normal since we got here. I savor the cold, bubbling liquid as the carbonation fizzes down my throat. The pain of the days eases as I drain the bottle and the warm tingle of the alcohol begins to settle in my limbs. We sit silently as we take in our small piece of normality in the cold, quiet light of the moon.

As we finish, he stands, offering me a hand to rise me from my seat. I swig the last of my beer and we make our way back to my room. I give him a hug and he holds me close until I pull away. He kisses my hand and turns to leave.

I walk into my room in deep thought, fighting the urge to walk to him. A part of me aches because I want to let go and be in his arms, but I'm reminded of the loss of my husband and son, I can't. I can't open myself up again. I lay down under the silvery moonlight and for the first time in a few nights, fall asleep peacefully.