Dragon Dreams

Chapter 9: Secrets (2/2)

She knelt beside my bed and ran a hand down my neck, fingers sliding over smooth scales. The contact seemed to cement my reality for her. I closed my eyes, suppressing the urge to shiver as guilt turned my blood to ice. As she was becoming more open and accepting, I was slipping away. And she wouldn't know until it was too late. It was already too late for me.

"One day at a time. That's how I'm going to take this." She kissed my forehead, then stood up again. "You take your time, and we'll see you downstairs. I know you won't miss breakfast."

I gave a huff of laughter as she withdrew from the room, leaving only the warmth on my forehead and the delicate scent of lavender on the air. The comfort of my bed almost lulled me back to sleep. I thought wistfully about the kinds of dreams I used to have: the kind where nothing much happened, and I could forget everything when I woke. Not anymore. Maybe one of these nights I could sleep without any visitors.

"One day," I thought. "I only have to make it through one more day here before I'm off to the wild." The distance would hurt at first. Again and again, I told myself that I had to do this. Mom, Dad, and Alex did nothing to deserve it. They didn't deserve to get hurt because of me. Still, they would have each other, and I knew they would be strong enough to face my absence.

My eyes alighted on the sliver of sun that drew an orange line across my room. It had been pink just moments before. I gazed at the vein of light intensely as the colors of the sunrise blossomed into fiery gold and then mellowed to a pale yellow. It was dynamic and beautiful. I was reminded of my own life, likewise in flux. It was up to me to find the beauty within. But there is no beauty in a broken family.

All these thoughts of aesthetics were getting exhausting. I could also smell the hearty breakfast waiting for me downstairs. Uncoiling my body, I stretched with great satisfaction and got out of bed. I went downstairs where, like the previous morning, I was greeted by a mouth-watering spread of food on the table. Scrambled eggs, sausage, and crispy potatoes all steamed in serving bowls. I sat down quickly and reached for a sausage with my claws, but Mom slapped my paw, and I pulled back with a groan. I would have to wait until I had a plate to serve myself properly. Luckily, I didn't have to wait too long for everyone to get settled.

"So, does day two feel about the same?" Dad spoke around a bite of sausage, which drew a reproachful look from my mom.

"Yeah, pretty much. Still feeling hungry as ever." But I was not the same. Not after that dream had shown me the fire and wildness I had inside. I avoided looking at my sister and stabbed my potatoes with purpose.

"We'll be buying more food today. It's going to be a tough task keeping you full, I imagine," Mom said.

The rest of the meal passed uneventfully as we made small talk and discussed the rest of the day. I said my time would be spent mostly in my room reading and relaxing since I was still a little overwhelmed. The others seemed to understand my desire to be left alone and didn't press anything on me. Alex knew the reasons better than my parents. True to her word, though, she said nothing of my breakdown earlier that morning.

When I got back up to my room, I decided to try writing my farewell note. I figured it wouldn't get any easier the more I put it off, so I sat at my desk and started scribbling out the impossible words. Agonizing over the note, I went through about a dozen drafts before I wrestled the feelings into submissive syllables. The paper held the following message:

To my family,

My love for you is everything. Even in my darkest moments, this love reminds me of my humanity. But often with love there is sacrifice. It is not easy for me to do what I have done. My actions are, at the most basic level, a loving sacrifice for you. It is not fair—and I can't make you understand—but what's done is done.

I am in a better place, and you are better off without my presence. Trust me. I wouldn't do this unless I had to. You would never be safe with me like I am now. Again, it is not fair, but it is the truth. I will try to stay in touch. You must know that I want nothing more than to be together again. I will think of you every day.

Wishing you all the strength until our reunion,

Josh

My heart ached when I pictured my family reading it. I feared no empathy could bridge the chasm that would surely open between us. I swept the note out of sight into a drawer, hoping my sorrow would similarly vanish. The day crawled on as I prepared for my secret flight. Mom and Dad went out to do more shopping, and Alex had plans to see a movie with friends after lunch. I was more than happy to have some time alone for most of the afternoon. It gave me time to plan my course up the coast. I printed out a map and circled a few cities I should pass over. Following the lights from the air would keep me going north. I was lucky; it looked like a cloudy night, which would afford me more darkness to cloak my flight.

That night, I had an amazing dinner though I was the only one that knew it would be my last. There were piles of chicken pasta and thick slices of garlic bread that I ate until I lost count. At one point my sister quipped, "Man, you're eating like there's no tomorrow!" I forced a laugh along with everyone else. Looking hard at her, I figured that Alex didn't know the meaning of what she said. However, her offhand remark stayed with me until I got back to my room.

"Like there's no tomorrow," I thought. "Well, my tomorrows will be very different for the foreseeable future." I was reading at my desk when my parents came in to say good night.

"Goodnight my dear," Mom scooped me into a tight hug. I squeezed her back. This, I thought, would be my last family memory for a while.

"One day at a time, right Mom?" I released my embrace and looked directly at her. "I know you can handle anything." I was trying to convince myself more than her.

"Our Joshua." My dad hugged me tightly as well; the sweet smell of basil left over from his cooking tickled my nose. "There's nobody quite like you, and we love that. We hope you can be okay with it too. So, um, I guess I'll say goodnight, then, unless there's anything else you need to tell us?"

I quickly shook my head and said, almost whispered, "Nope. Goodnight. Love you guys," before shuffling over to my bed and lying down. Mom clicked off the light and closed my door, leaving me bathed in darkness. I waited. The house held a delicate silence, easily fractured. Even a breath of breeze at my window caused a vibration that I felt in my bones. With the rest of my family surely asleep, I pulled out my bags. Feeling numb, I placed the note on my desk.

No turning back. I carried my bags downstairs, keeping as quiet as I could. My senses were on a hair trigger. I froze as a car raked its headlights across our house, sending stark rays through the kitchen window. The back door would be my exit into the enclosed backyard. I disabled the alarm and eased out onto the patio. The clouds blurred the moon's shy sliver to just a smudge in the starless sky. The night was fresh and brisk. It was time to fly.

"Josh," a voice whispered my name, and I whipped around. "Can we talk?"

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