Terrestrial Alien ✔

Chapter 17: Queer Fear

Joshua

    Nervousness is not a pleasant feeling in my gut at 7:40 in the morning. I had nothing for breakfast that I could stomach, and here I am standing outside of Ethan's house, waiting for him to get ready and out the door on this gross Monday morn. I lean against the front door frame, pressing my forefinger and thumb to my lower lip as I chew on it anxiously. Ethan's going to come out any moment now, and I need to talk to him...

Saturday with Seth had been... strange, to say the least. I've been trying really hard to indulge him, let him have a chance or whatever, but things just got so crazy— too much to handle at once. I don't like the idea of Seth stalking me, or anyone watching me without my knowledge for that matter. And the fact that he followed Dad and me here... It makes me feel so guilty; I feel so bad for him now because of what he went through for me. Before I'd just been content with hating him. I almost wish it could be that simple, that I hadn't asked at all. If only I could just loathe him unconditionally, and then he'd leave me alone and do something else with his life.

But it's not that simple, and Seth, Sundo, isn't the same mysterious monster. I can't hate him anymore, 'cause I know him better now. And I know that he loves me. Of course he does, it makes sense when I think about it. But, ugh, it's still so strange to think about. He loves me? What am I supposed to do? It makes me feel weird to know. I feel liable for him now in an aggravating, baffling way. Like whatever he does, if he does it for me, even if I don't want him to do it, it'll still be somewhat my fault, you know? And, I just— don't know what to do.

And that's not even to mention how gay this whole thing is now.

That's why I'm here, to seek a professional opinion on at least the parts of this twisted plot I can ask about. Here being Ethan's house of course. Well, I would be here anyway to get him going for school, but this time I have an ulterior motive.

All yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about Seth. I was trying to do my pre-calc, but I kept messing up and having to redo all the problems because I was distracted. Embarrassing. I don't know what this makes me: is it gay to be stuck thinking about him? No, he's the one who's queer, right? Or, well... To be honest Seth is naïve and foreign, and I'm pretty sure he'd be in love with me regardless of what gender I am. He seems that attached. So does that still make him gay?

Ugh, I have no idea. That's why I have to ask Ethan, who's a nerd and the most sexuality-flexible person I know. Not that those two things necessarily have anything to do with each other.

Behind me, the door swings open suddenly, and I yelp as I lose my backing and stumble.

"Woah there," Ethan laughs when I practically fall into his house. "What're we doing there, Malone?"

"Nothing. Waiting for you." I grumble at him, moving to get quickly out of his way so we both can head out. "Which, apparently it takes an entire century for you to get ready. What are you even doing in there?"

He beams at me with those bright blue eyes and laughs again. "Ha! What can I say? I'm totally a chick, bro. I gotta leave the house looking my best, unlike someone I know."

He looks over my choice of clothing and pretends to be quietly disgusted at what he sees. We walk down his driveway to collect our bikes as our banter continues like clockwork. Or, as it would, if I didn't have more important things on my mind.

I growl at him. "Whatever, Ethan." I happen to like my clothes, thank you very much; Since when did a hoodie and jeans become such a fashion crime? "I don't really care about clothes. I need to talk to you about something."