Divorce

∞ of Seven

(1st of June, 2010)

  I was feeling much better now. I spoke to Hana earlier and I dn't seem mad at any of them anymore. 

  I let her know that too, I let her know that I don't hate her. In fact, just as I mentioned from the beginning, I really do like her.  She's nice. I felt odd talking to her after what happened, at first. I wanted to, but there was always this something pulling me back and maybe, just maybe I was a little bit scared of ruining Hana's and Jeremy's relationship.

  I was scared of ruining something that was once mine, knowing that know it isn't. I was scared of being the same person that he was and I think, fear stops me from doing all the stupid things I've ever wanted to do and maybe, just maybe everything is for the best and all I had to do was to understand that.

  I was just scared of something that didn't even exist to me, love. I'm scared now. I am scared of hurting the people the same way they hurt me. I am scared of existence itself. I am scared scared of the moon, the stars and the rotation of the earth. I am scared of the sun that will rise from the west one good day. I fear future and I do not think I would ever be able to explain this to anybody, not even to myself. There is no reason behind my fear, it is just what it is. Self Destruction.

  When something is taken away from you in a way that it is still there, but is completely out of your reach. It hurts. It hurts watching it still be there, it's nothing like feeling something that is completely gone.

  When something is completely gone, you know that you're never going to see it ever again and that part of you remains with them.

  When something is taken away, that part remains with it and every time you come across with it it, it just slaps you right there in the face and all you can do is take it.

  Sometimes you never really know what's going to come your way and grab everything you have, but trust me. It is and always will be for the best.

  God takes something away from you, to give something better in return. God never gives you anything you cannot handle. He's all good and brings only the good to the people and within the people.

  And so I decided not to stress all over the 'could haves' because if it 'should have' then it 'would have'.

  I would let it be, there's so much more to come, the good and the bad, all. But, it wouldn't matter because all you can do is sit by and watch or go through it, it doesn't matter because the choice is yours. It just doesn't matter. At least, not anymore. 

  I sighed, switching on the TV in my room, and stopped on a series called 'Gossip Girl', it wasn't something really special but I liked it anyway.

  It was all a girl needed; gossip, drama and romance. A good bucket of ice cream becomes your best friend right then and there. 

  I thought back about how I woke up a while ago, earlier than usual. I woke up to the sound of someone gasping for air. Oh wait, that was me.

  Having a weak heart wasn't simple. Having a battery to help your heart work makes things even more complicated. My pacemaker was to be changed by the end of this month, it's been five years since I've worn it and I guess, I am doing okay.

  I would wake up like this very often, I would wake up gasping for air, looking for my inhalator. I've gotten used to doing it on my own for the past few months now and it doesn't seem so hard after all, as long as I follow my doctor's prescriptions.

  It was everyday that Jeremy would call me and put me to sleep or help me with my medications and other things that I had to do in order to keep my breathing in focus and not suffer from any instant arrest, he really helped me work on my health. I've never realized that I was really dependent on him when it came to this and I was truly thankful for whatever happened, the good and the bad. I wouldn't have learned how to do this on my own with having him around all the time to do it for me.

  I'm not upset with him anymore and not mad either, I have forgiven him long back. What I haven't done is forget what he did. I don't think the memory would ever be able to at least blur if not fade away. It's the scar he left on me that I will be carrying with me for the rest of my life. It is the biggest scar that I would be carrying with pride on my sleeve and strength that I have learned to embrace without him being around or in my life at all.

  The scar he drew on me was like the light that would lead in the dark, only it was nothing like the light. It was dark, it sucks the life out of you and question your existence to completeness of this planet until you're the last person left, it will not leave you. But I, I will carry it with me, I will learn how bear it on my shoulders and it is a promise that I will be carrying to my grave.

  I don't know how long I stayed here, sitting on my bed and picking on my sweater, questioning my existence, all I know is that I craved for something I will never have. No, it wasn't Jeremy what I craved for. It was what was taken away from me, I don't know if it had anything to do with him at all. 

  Sitting and wondering about how will your future work out, isn't one of the simplest things I have ever done and living in America just makes it all harder. I've always wanted to go and study medicals in England, but my parents wouldn't let me go for some reason that was never known to me.

  It was killing me, I have taken up the science stream this year and alomst everyone is going to leave to study in England and I don't get to go because apparently my parents are being grumpy about it.

  I missed being around my parents, they seem to act different these days and don't find time to spend it with me. My dad would wrap his arms around my knees and put me over his shoulder. I would gasp as he practically ran out of the store that day, carrying me like a sack of potatoes. 

  I missed him so much, I miss my mother so much. I missed my life so much.

  Some people ask me how do I live with it, how do I live with someone being around me all the time, that someone who has broken me and shattered me into pieces that I thought were never possible. 

  And I told them, I told them I didn't. I just learned how to breathe.

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Another picture of Hana at the side with emerald green eyes like the one of a viper snake ;)! What do you guys think of Hana? Comment below. Opinions are always appreciated.

Today's song is Bless Myself by Lucy Hale. If you're still here and reading, I love you all! 

This chapter is dedicated to Laura El-Salah just because I love her so so much :* aand even though, she's not the one to read, I know she takes up a bit of her time to read through some of the chapters.

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