Divorce

∞ of Nineteen

(8th of April, 2017)

The air surrounding you seems to become colder. Everything you've ever worked and wished for seems to be slipping out of your hands when something you never wanted to happen to you, actually happens. All the air inside of your body's system seems to be knocked out and your grabbing onto something to keep yourself on your feet, begging your system to co-operate with you, just too stand a little bit longer for the sake of it but that doesn't work out.

Wide, red and puffed, swollen eyes stared back at me at the mirror. I don't know how long I stood there, looking at myself, dreading my reflected expression. I stood in the middle of my plain, white and navy blue patterned bathroom, holding the stick that I never thought I would hold in my hand. 

Because nothing happening as of now, was ever a part of my plan.

Positive.

This word will remain looking back at me at the deepest parts of my mind. I let out a dry cry as the memories of this very similar situation hit me.

I felt like a high school girl who got knocked up and found out about her pregnancy three months later. The difference here was that, I wasn't in high school anymore, I was a married woman and I found out about my pregnancy after only god knows how long which made me embarrassed of myself because this wasn't the first time.

I roughly wiped of the tears that were streaming down my cheeks and lowered myself on the toilet seat and repeatedly ran a hand through my hair. 

You got this.

I wasn't ready to be a mother, not after what's happened the last time. My eyes traveled down to the bottle of birth control pills that stood on the shelve by the sink.

.

  How could something so small slip my mind? What happens to time? What happens to my job? What happens to my life after having a baby? None of the questions, I could answer. I realized then and there, that the more answers I get, the more I would have to ask and there are just something that I would like to leave unanswered.

  One thing that I knew was that I couldn't go through this once again. I won't be able to handle something like that again.

     Looking at my reflection, I realized that I was losing sight of who I was. I was loosing sight of who I used to be.

   It didn't feel like there was something growing inside of me, more like a part of me, combined with a part of Jeremy that can lead to no good and as much as I didn't want to think of it the way I did. I just couldn't form anything positive about it anymore. It's like that part of my mind, that produces all the positive thoughts, was blocked.

   I didn't know what I was doing, but the only thing that seemed right was to call Acacia.

   As I picked up my phone, that was on the shelf above the sink and dialed her number.

   "Cass? Are you okay?"

   "I'm.. I don't know. C-can you come over?" I asked, sobbing.

   "If it's Jeremy again, I swear to god, Cassidy. I will kick him where the sun doesn't shine whether you like it or not. I will do it."

   "No, it's more like. What he did, again and again. Just come over."

   It didn't take her long to reach. She came in stumbling through my door a wreck. Her hair was sticking out into different directions. Her usually black lined eyes were red and puffy, it made me wonder if she spent the night crying and killed my insides to know the reason, to help her. It didn't help my situation that she was still in her Hello Kitty pajamas.