Divorce

∞ of Thirteen

(May 27th, 2010)

  They call it depression. I call it war.

  Depression is not a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behaviour, feelings, and sense of well being.

  Depression is not anything they tell you over the internet, or anything that makes you feel low, or anything that people talk about. Depression is not a choice of conversation between a person and another, there is no cure to it, but there is a way out.

  Depression doesn't mean feeling sad, or mad, or upset or being in a messed up mood. Depression is feeling nothing and when you feel nothing, it feels great. That is depression.

  Not feeling great, no. Feeling nothing that leads to feeling great is depression.

  Depression blocks any sorts of conversation and interactions with another person, it blocks your mind and thoughts, your feelings and behaviour. It is not a wall, but a river, a river that flows inside of you carrying that disease in your veins.

  Depression isolates you from humanity and makes you seem worthless to the human eyes. It makes you feel vurnable and is a suicidal tendency. It makes you feel alone, scared and helpless. Depression leads you to turn to drugs or pills to make you forget the pain for a while or maybe even forever.

  It makes you feel gross from all you ate and all you do is throw up. It turns your body against food and fills you up in bones, disgusts you from food.

  It is like a constant whisper that is inside of your head making you hurt yourself in order to feel or disrpt the pain that you fail.

  Depression is destruction.

  I know that it wasn't normal to think of depression whilst sitting in a biology class, but that is the only thing that could pass by my mind right now, I know that everything in my life wasn't as simple as I had expected it to be, but I wasn't expecting it to be that hard either.

  "Miss Valentines, were you listening?" my biology teacher asked.

  "I am sorry, I got slightly distracted," I mumbled, looking down shamefully.

  "All right, so I was saying, the small intestine is the site of the complete digestion of carbohydrates, proteins and fats. It receives the secretions of the liver and pancreas for this purpose. The food coming from the stomach is acidic and has to be made alkaline for the pancreatic enzymes to act. Bile juice from the liver accomplishes this in addition to acting on fats. Fats are present in the intestine in the form of large-"

  Our teacher was interrupted with our school leaders barging into the classroom, grinning like idiots for an announcement.

  "All students are to pack their bags and to be sent downstairs into the hall in ten minutes for the annual program," the tall one announced. I really couldn't remember their names.

  The annual program was performed every year before the summer vacation would start. People would be practicing for this show for about a month, every day on weekdays, we would stay an hour after school and practice, I was never really interested in those things but I went for choreography anyway. On Saturdays I had to wake up early to practice with the kids for three to four hours. It was exhausting, but I loved the kids I worked with and found myself warming up to them.

  I remember when I was little and burned my hands, my mom run to get some cold water instead of pulling me with her to the tap and I took that as a chance to upset my sister. I placed my hands slightly on her chest, left side just where her heart laid and said 'Ah, so nice and cold,' she only frowned but never said anything. I was about seven. I do not know why I did that, maybe it was the fact that I thought she never liked me because she always yelled at me whenever I tried to play dolls with her, or maybe it was something else.