Divorce

∞ of Sixteen

(February 20, 2016)

  Helplessness.

  It is not a mental state in which an organism forced to endure averse stimuli, or stimuli that are painful or otherwise unpleasant, becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters with those stimuli, even if they are es-capable, presumably because it has learned that it cannot control the situation

  It's when you have no other choice, but to do what the other wants you to do. It is when you can't do anything, but listen to another's demands and do as said.

  Helplessness forbids your freedom, lacks your vision and destroys your strength.

  It is when you have nothing else to do, but face whatever comes your way. Helplessness has no escape. It traps you in a huge room with pink walls, that is in a castle and you are the princess, but are forced to marry and an old hairy man.

  Everyday, I think back to fifteen years, I think back to the life I used to have and I don't know where does the freedom in between even fall in.

  I never got the freedom in life and it made me feel helpless. I could help the other, but I could never help myself.

  To me, helplessness is like a dog chained to a pole with a master who has just passed away.

  A feeling that kills you inside because you know what to do but just can't do it, because you need support, but you have no one.

  When the dog wants run around free without a care in the world but can't, because he's stuck and no matter how much he whines, his master isn't going to come out that door anymore and play with him and set him free.

  It's like that with us humans. There are times in our lives where we're desperate to run free.

  Desperate to do things differently and make a change, but you don't know how. And when you need someone to direct you, someone to help you get free, someone to give you that precious golden nugget of advice,you find no one.

  And you're stuck there. Waiting to break free.

  That's helplessness to me.

  When you come to think of things all together you realize that nothing really matter at all.

  You think about how your husband was once an ex-boyfriend to you and you come to think of all the things he'd done to get you back and how you ended up being forced into a marriage with him, makes you feel numb.

  No matter what you've heard, numbness is the most deadliest feeling that'll ever pass by a human being. You know when you stop caring, disallowing any emotion fill you in, feeling you only become a living corpse and that is the final nail in the coffin.

  You never know how you feel until you realize that you stop caring to be around the people you've ever wanted to be. You never know how you feel until you think about the past so deeply that it ruins your present and future. You never know how you feel until you realize that you don't think there will be a future.

  I never really thought forward, I knew that I was forced into a marriage. I knew that I had to live with Jeremy and that I had to cook and take care of the laundry and all that, but it never occurred to me, that there was more to this future than I knew. It never occurred to me that our parents would demand kids to let the family grow. It never occurred to me that I had to take care of kids in the future because I knew that I couldn't do that.

  I wasn't blaming anyone for me not wanting kids in the first place, it's just that I knew I wasn't capable of it. My mind was always occupied with how I felt and what happened to me and I am still trying to figure out what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. It never occurred to me that I had to completely step out of that circle and start taking care of other people, little people, babies who are growing and who need more attention than ten times Jeremy.