Abigail

Chapter 12

Standing in Minnie's front doorway, I hugged Levi and uselessly tried to stop the tears. I knew I had to get moving, but I couldn't seem to let him go. I had no idea when I'd be able to come back.

Would he even remember me? What if I wasn't able to come back for a year or more? Sam was wonderful in offering me rides back and forth any time I wanted, but Silas wouldn't be so generous. Mr. Jacobs probably wouldn't either. Considering how long he'd already waited and how much he'd probably had to pay, he might very well keep me working every single day. Especially if he was feeling anything like he had before Levi was born.

I would need at least three days to be able to visit Levi, and I doubted there was even a slight hope for that for a long while.

Needing to see him, I pulled Levi away from my body to look at his face. He seemed so confused and it broke my heart. I couldn't even explain to him that I wouldn't be here. He was going to feel abandoned.

The horse whinnied from behind me and reminded me that I needed to get going. After Sam had been so kind, it wasn't right to make him wait. Besides, Silas knew my time was up. He wouldn't care if I had a ride or not. If I didn't arrive today, he'd have something else to threaten me with, and now he knew that I'd do anything for Levi. I didn't doubt that if I came back even one day late, he'd threaten to send me to jail unless I signed an even longer contract.

Pulling Levi in for one more hug, I kissed his cheek and handed him to Minnie who stood, patiently waiting and fighting her own tears.

"Thank you, Minnie," I managed after a moment. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

She just offered a watery smile and nodded.

I hugged her before kissing Levi one more time and then turned to join Sam on the wagon. He urged the horses on and I kept my eyes on Levi as long as I possibly could. All too soon, he was out of sight and I buried my face in my hands, trying to gain control of my emotions.

"Thank you, Sam," I said when I was able to mostly stop crying. "You're doing a tremendous favor for me."

Seeming uncomfortable, he nodded. "Glad I can help."

Forcing a small smile, I looked ahead at the road and tried not to think about how long it would be before I would be able to see my son again.

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"Thought I'd have to send the sheriff after you," Silas said as I walked by his office.

A contemptible look was my only response as I continued on down the hall. When I made it to my room, I closed the door and went to sit on the bed, feeling numb. I was going to be trapped in this place for the next seven years. Levi would barely even know me by then. I was going to miss his first word and his first steps - everything. He wasn't even going to understand that I was his mother. I didn't doubt that Minnie would tell him, but he wasn't really going to understand. She was going to be the one he thought of in that way. I was just going to be the lady he saw from time to time who he called Mama.

I wanted to bury my face in the pillow and sob some more, but I couldn't do that. Not here. Here I had to go back to acting perfectly happy while I felt miserable. I didn't know when Mr. Jacobs would come, but it would probably be soon. If I allowed myself to cry, I knew I'd never stop. And he couldn't see me like that. He had to think I'd forgotten all about having a baby and everything else that didn't involve making him happy. I was going to have to bury all this pain and anger behind a cheerful and serene mask and act as though nothing in the world mattered to me more than him.

It almost seemed impossible, but I would do it. For Levi, I would. He was safe and loved and being cared for, and that's all that mattered.

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"Oh, I missed you!" Mr. Jacobs hurried through the door even before I finished telling him to come in. He rushed over and kissed me and I forced myself to act happy and enthusiastic.

"I missed you," I lied with a smile when he broke away to look at me.

"I think having a baby agrees with you." He stood back a bit and freely looked over my body.

Hearing that, it was harder to hold on to my smile, but I managed to do it.

He met my eyes, seeming excited. "I have some new ideas," he said before leaning in to kiss me again, urging me toward the bed.

I offered no resistance of course, but I was nervous about the look in his eye. He literally had free reign to do whatever he wanted. I'd promised him that when he agreed to let me have Levi. Few as they were, Silas had some boundaries in place. But for this man, they didn't apply. I was going to have to go along with anything he wanted, and I was going to have to seem happy about it.

I'd always hated what I had to do, but as he began showing me what he had in mind, I was surprised by how much I hated this work and how much I hated him.

It was easy to understand, now, how I allowed myself to believe that he cared for me and how I let myself love him. It was because I never experienced unconditional love and had rarely had any actual affection before.

Chris had shown me affection, but we'd only kissed a handful of times. Staying with Minnie, though, had shown me what real love was. And this was most definitely not it. It wasn't even close.

Sure, he liked me, but he had never cared for me. He was only interested in using me. He probably only agreed to let me have Levi because he knew I'd hate him if he didn't. And what fun would that be?

Of course now I hated him anyway, and I resented that I had to get his permission to have my baby. But I couldn't show it. I could never show my true feelings in this place. As much as I despised it, I owed him a debt. And even if I didn't, he was still worlds better than the alternative option of having to entertain an endless line of men who were even more detestable than he was.

No, for Levi, I would do absolutely anything, and for the next seven years, that meant being a supremely good actress.

I would do it for him.