Abigail

Chapter 17

Over the next few years, things settled. They weren't necessarily better, but I got used to everything.

Basically everyone in town knew about my past now. While I didn't really like it, it made things a little easier. I knew who I could trust and I mostly knew who to be wary of.

One of the things that bothered me the most was that I wasn't able to get any work. I helped Minnie out as much as possible, but I wasn't able to bring in anything new that she wouldn't have had anyway. The only offers of any kind came from loathsome men who were only too happy to put me to work the way Carl had tried to do. Thankfully, no one had been quite as forceful as he'd been, but it still wasn't pleasant.

I hated that I wasn't able to contribute much. I was Levi's mother. I should be the one supporting him, but I wasn't even able to support myself. As much as Minnie swore she didn't mind, she hadn't signed up for this. I'd had to depend on her for nearly ten years already, and I worried how much longer I'd have to continue to do that.

And then there was Levi. Minnie was right in a way. We did need to get used to each other, but our relationship still wasn't quite what it should be. Levi still looked to Minnie for answers or permission a lot of the time before he thought to come to me. It wasn't his fault, of course, but it still stung now and then. I wanted to be the mother to him that he deserved, but I still felt woefully inadequate.

Part of the reason might have been that I sometimes felt like maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a mother. I loved Levi with all my heart, but I had a hard time taking the noise and activity sometimes. I wondered if that was due to the way I'd grown up. My mother had forced me to raise my siblings and I'd hated it.

Then again, my tolerance level might have to do with the fact that I felt irritable all the time. It wasn't a wonder really, but I was so angry for the way my life had gone.

Now that I was a mother, I found it even more unbelievable to think about what my father had done to me. It was astounding. I would literally give my life for Levi, and my father hadn't even cared what would happen to me. To him, I'd just been an easy way to make a lot of money in a hurry. He'd taken everything from me - my childhood and my innocence, my chance to get married and have a normal life. He'd taken my future. And he hadn't cared.

And then of course there was Silas. It wasn't enough that I'd been his slave for five years. He had to take ten - ten years of my life of doing despicable things and making me seriously consider taking my life. He was the reason I wasn't the mother I should be to Levi. It was his greed that kept me from my son for most of his life.

And now I was left with all this anger and pain and I had absolutely no way to deal with it. How could I ever move on if I never felt closure or retribution of any kind?

The people in town made it worse. Every time I got propositioned or refused for decent work, or I saw those looks of revulsion and suspicion, I felt even more angry. I wanted to scream at them that I'd had no choice, but they wouldn't care. To them, I was always going to be one of those women. The reasons didn't matter. My feelings didn't matter.

For Levi's sake, I tried not to let them bother me so much. It seemed impossible most of the time, but I tried. Still, I found myself snapping at him more and more. And then of course, I would feel awful for it. But I couldn't seem to help it.

Levi was sweet and lovable and he always forgave me, but he shouldn't have to be so forgiving. He shouldn't have to pay for the things that happened to me.

I just had to hope that it would get better with time. Minnie didn't have this problem. She scolded Levi from time to time, but she never raised her voice. She was never short tempered with me either. She had every right to expect a quiet, peaceful home and to demand some kind of payment from me, but she always seemed so content and accepting.