The Tattooed Devil Wears Chucks

Chapter 44: The Discussion

Gabby.

"Books..." Jax's voice twirls through my dreams.  "Gabby... you awake?"

My eyes flutter open to the fluorescent light above me.  "Ugh" I let out a groan.  My body aches from staying in the same position in the hospital chair.  As soon as I lift my head my neck and back both crack.  "Christ I feel like I'm a million years old."

Jax's voice chuckles.  Jax.  My eyes dart to him and I let out a huge breath.  He's okay.

"Afternoon, beautiful." He gives me the best smile he can; I'll take it.

I stand up quickly from the chair, toss my book to the floor and crawl into his bed.  His arm wraps around me for me to place my head on his shoulder.  He places a quick kiss on my forehead.  "You scared the shit out of me Alfie.  Stop scaring me.  I can't lose you too."

"I'm sorry."  He whispers and presses his warm lips back to my temple.  I squeeze him hard, never wanting to let go.

"How long have you been awake?  You should have woken me up."

"Like six hours."

I sit up quickly and pull my phone out of my pocket so I can tap my side button and view the time; it's four in the afternoon. "I slept for eight hours?!"

He chuckles against me as he pulls me close again. "I didn't mind. I liked having you here, kept my anxiety down. What were you reading?"

"Death on the Nile."

His chest tightens. Yeah, probably not the best choice at the moment. But I need to read a murder mystery to get the one I'm stuck in out of my head. Suddenly I regret telling him.

"Agatha Christie, huh?" He sighs and rubs his jaw line with his free hand. I know he's just trying to keep up conversation now, he's uncomfortable.

"Sorry." I murmur.

"It's fine Books."

He gets quiet as he fidgets with a loose string on my (okay, his) sweatshirt. I take this time to nuzzle my face into his neck, taking in his scent. It's mostly that hospital scent that I hate but mixed with a little bit of Jax; I like it. He nuzzles his cheek to my head in return.

"You're quiet. What are you thinking about?"

He sighs with his entire body. "I'm thinking about lots of things. My parents, Courtney, her case..."

"Are you upset that you couldn't be at her funeral?" I peer up to him.

"More that I wasn't there for my parents. But yeah."

I sit myself up straight and turn to him. "I didn't go." I watch his face. I feel as though he's going to hate me for this. What kind of friend doesn't go to their best friend's funeral? He doesn't say anything, just watches me. "I couldn't do it. I went early to see how I would react and I - I lost it."

He pulls me back down to him and wraps me tightly in his arms. "I get it Gabby, I do. I knew I could do the wake. The funeral is final. I was going to lose my shit too. She'd understand, you know she would."

I blink back the the tears and nod into his chest as he rubs my arms. "I feel like such a bad friend Alfie. Something was wrong with her. I should have tried harder to get it out of her. I feel so fucking selfish for not focusing on her more."

"You're not a bad friend. You were the best friend she ever had. You know how your friends abandoned you?"  He pauses. "Hers did the same. That's why we left Illinois. They were fucking terrible to her, cruel even." His head shakes with anger as his chest tightens beneath me. "I hated those girls."