Destroying Love

Nine

I wish I was fearless, but I'm not.

I have fears, like every human being. I'm sure every agent at the agency has at least one fear, but they won't show it. It's what you need to do, here. You can't let your fears stop you in this kind of job, anyway. Otherwise, you won't be able to do anything.

One fear. Confinement.

I can get claustrophobic easily if I don't control my breath or forget about my surroundings when I'm in a small place or when I'm surrounded by too many people. Unfortunately, sometimes my missions leave me no other choices than confronting my fear. So I need to practice, in order to get rid of that damn fear.

Because I don't want to be afraid of something. I'm Sophia Montgomery. I should be fearless. People around me think I'm fearless, and only a few know I'm not.

I have to admit I got better with the years of practice, but still. That fear won't go away, especially after that night four years ago, when my stupidity and this fear caused my partner to...

Yeah, anyway.

At the agency, we have found ways in order for me or other agents to face our fears. For my case, there are different things we usually do. Today is my least favorite.

"You're ready, Agent Montgomery?" the young agent next to me asks, his hands crossed behind his back as if it would give him a look of superiority, or even impress me.

I don't know how long it has been since he's joined the N.A and I really don't care at the moment. I'm always a bit harsher and distant when I need to do what I'm about to do. The other agents know it and for some reasons, they prefer to keep their distance with me.

They're clever. I don't control myself when I lose my shit.

Who's surprised? Not me.

"No," I say blankly, taking the few steps towards the door. "Let's begin."

Opening the door, I step in the small and confined piece. The door shuts in my back and I find myself jumping in surprise, although there is nothing to be startled about.

Then I sit down against the wall, the three other walls facing me.

Suffocating me.

Closing around me.

I take a deep breath and keep my head down, my fingers clutched tightly together.

"Let's see how long you can do this time. We won't let you out until you ask," the voice of the agent fills the room before it's silent again.

It begins.

The first couples of minutes are usually easy. I close my eyes, focus on my breathing and tell myself that I can get out whenever I want. I'm not really confined. This is just a damn fear. Fears are not real, they're just in your head.

It's always after a few more minutes that I usually start to shake, that I open my eyes to realize that the walls around me feel so close, so close. And they are.

I shut my eyes close again, shaking my head firmly. No. You won't fail this again. This is just in your head. You're strong, Sophia. You can do this.

And suddenly, the wall above me, the roof, is closer. I curse under my breath, feeling the sweat on my back and I feel like I'm suffocating, my t-shirt too tight, the room too hot.

Oh, please. No. Do it, Sophia.

Breathe. Breathe.

"Everything is still alright, Agent Montgomery?"