(Life of a teenage girl)
People hurt you and act like you hurt them.
"She's mean. She's loud and talkative. She says something without thinking about it. She's very lazy. She's rude. She's selfish. She is fake. She's-"
I pass by strangers and new friends and the first thing they notice is how I look at them. I met my old friends and their eyes show how bad I was back then. Some people hate you for no reason and some just hate you because of who you are. I just want you all to know that when you change yourself for the better, you have to accept that some people won't be happy about it. I can't say you should stay who you are because everyone needs progress. Change for yourself and not for others even if it means losing them.
My eyes look sharp and the first thing they say, "She looks mean." I'm that kind of person who might hurt you with words but it's not actually to hurt you, but to help you. I had friends. We sing along with each other, not minding the ugliness of our voices. We laugh with each other's jokes, not bothering how corny those were. I was thankful for how they could handle my attitude. I admit that I was not the kind of friend that would be too good for you. I have flaws which I can't handle. What I hate the most about me? it's that I overthink even in the simplest thing that it came to a point where I lost them, my friends. I left without saying goodbye. I had my reasons. I've always thought I'm a bad influence to them and maybe they'll be free to do everything they want without me. I left but I never told them the real reason why. I guess I assumed that sooner or later they'll know, but they didn't.
They could have at least asked why. I was open and waiting for them to ask why I left and why I'm starting to ignore them. It didn't matter anymore because they never did take the chance to know why.
Rumors and stories started to spread of how bad and selfish I am. But did you know rumors don't hurt me but being quiet does? When I try not to open up to someone because it'll turn out different the second time they tell it to some people and I hate that. The funny thing is, I'm actually straightforward that I'll confront you if I was upset. This time, I didn't. I just stayed silent completely ignoring how I felt. And that's when I realized that I started to become more silent. Actually, I didn't leave. I was left out in the first place and I bet you didn't know that.
Teachers complain how passive I am and I understand them.
I'm sorry.
It's because I have no confidence in myself. I am so conscious and always anxious about things. I want to be certain with the things I want to say.
I hated myself. I hated myself physically. Hate is a little bit-
There's that one person who will always tease you right? or sometimes they meant what they said.
You see I smile at your jokes but it affected me a lot and it changed how I see myself.
I'm not really fat but I was chubby, and that person was actually one of my closest friends. I talked to her about how it hurts me and that words really matter. But sadly, she didn't take it seriously. It pushed me to exercise and starve myself. That's the time I realized that I have to surround myself with people who will accept me just the way I am.
So I decided to be alone. I needed time to love myself more. To do things without any help.
Suddenly, I became distant.
I was alone for a while. I am not the jolly person I was but I'm still all smiles. I had really no one to talk to at that time and I've always brought a book to entertain myself because when I have nothing to do, all the dull thoughts slowly kill me inside. I had no one to share my problems with, so I started writing poems and letters about how I feel. My eyes became so tired that it seems I was glaring at people even though I'm not. Instead of having myself involved with other people's lives, I choose to stay away and be unbothered. The hardest part was feeling hopeless and I had no one to ask for help when I badly needed one.
This may sound a bit dramatic but my life did go that way.
People will always see bad in you and they only say the things they see and truth to be told, you don't show the things you want to and the things you feel and just be criticized. They think I don't help or share any effort for others but that's because they only want it to be seen but I don't. My parents would always scold me about using my cellphone too much but honestly, yes I chat people but at the same I do my assignments. I'm like a zombie for doing my projects and group assignments and when I hear people call me lazy, of course I'll be upset and mad. There's always a reason for my absences in school. It's either I'm about to give up on making my grades higher or take a rest just once and come back. Sounds OA but I've been too emotional these days.
No one knows about the true pain that I've been bearing for a long time. For all the times I cried at night but no one's there for me.
"What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?"
I may sound so negative about life while you are reading this but in reality, I'm full of positive vibes because that's how you'll get through from a bad day.
Here's my secret, I smile every day. It may seem I've moved on but hey, I tried.
For all the times I'm blaming myself for the things I left undone and for all the times, I want to end everything, no one's there for me to give a hug and share a love. No one knows 'cause no one ever notices my pain. Behind those laughter, smiles and jolly attitude at day time is a complete mess when the dawn is breaking.
I know I'm not the only person who has been hurt and there's a lot of people who have gone through worse than mine and suffered. But I just want you all to know that people have reasons. Reasons you don't know and battles they go through.
So here's a reminder: Say hi and smile to the person you meet walking alone in the hallway. Be with someone who always listens to music alone. Listen to the person who's always reading a book at a corner, he's got a lot to share with you. It's how you simply save their lives.
You sit there all depressed because you constantly get hurt by people. The lesson to be learnt is to love yourself more, be alone. Be alone to the point where you don't need a relationship to feel good.
Learn to achieve goals without a relationship. Then when you have yourself together and know your worth you'll be able to turn down people because you are less vulnerable. You need to get back up, embrace the bad experiences because there are always lessons learnt. Embrace the great experiences because of the lessons you learn. And never lose hope. Never feel sorry for yourself and don't let yourself put the blame on others because your life is in your control. There's light in every way possible here on earth.
The best thing about my experience is that I didn't expect to make myself happier. I made new friends and fell in love with them. I survived without any help at all. If I can, you can. You can't please everyone, you just have to please yourself. Treasure the memories and never forget them because they once made you happy.
"She's kind to those who are kind to her. She knows when to say something and when to be silent. She tries her best to take the task done. She spends her time with her family. She can be selfless. She's true to herself. She's-"
Me.
