"Bakit ka aalis!?"
"Wala lang."
"Palagi ka naman ganyan e!"
"Please understand me hin-"
"Tapos ano? Sarili mo lang iniisip mo."
"Wait what? Anong- Why are you talking like that? Palaging ako? Hindi mo ba alam na yan yung gustong gusto kong gawin? To choose myself first? Hindi mo alam kung gaano kasakit sakin marinig yan sayo. I've been craving for people's attention without showing anything I'm good at. Isipin mo, may papansin ba sakin kapag hindi ko kayang gawin lahat ng to? Nasasaktan ako. And right now, it really hurts. Natatakot ako. Seeing everyone of you, natatakot ako. Kasi I don't feel anything anymore. That's what I'm most afraid of. I feel like we're strangers in the same room. Gusto ko kayong mamiss. Gusto kong maging masaya kapag nakikita kayo pero anong magagawa ko kung kahit sa inyo, hindi ko na rin maramdaman na there's happiness between us. Alam na alam ko yun, I'm losing myself. I used to be so happy. People's first impression for me would be jolly and right now I don't know what's happening. I get so depressed. I feel calm when I'm alone but I get lonely as time goes by. Time doesn't repeat itself but situation does. Hindi niyo alam na nasasaktan niyo na ako ng paulit-ulit. But did you ever hear me complain? Oo, I had so many rants pero minsan ko lang sinabi na deep inside nasasaktan lang talaga ako. I have a strong personality. I can torelate pain and ignore it as long as I can handle it pero until when? In a group of friends, I'm always an extra. In the past, I felt like I was a dust in a corner so I chose to be that way. And every time the same situation in the past repeats in the present, I feel so done. To them, it felt like nothing but to me, it was heartbreaking. I have a lot of realizations. I made mistakes but I try to be better. Saan pa ba ako nagkulang? Sabihin mo, gagawin ko. Have you seen my eyes? they're begging for you to stay when I'm talking to you, smiling at you, sincerely saying I'm thankful for having you in my life and that I hope you feel the same with me. Pagod na pagod na ako begging for your attention. Gusto ko lang naman may tatanong sakin kung okay lang ako o kung anong ginagawa ko. To have long conversations with. Pero ako lang nakakahalata? Our conversation is mostly about school. Yes, I always ask for help but sa totoo lang, mas masaya ako kapag you approach me first. I feel happy when you ask help from me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero kasi I'm stuck with friends help each other. Hindi mo alam? You wouldn't understand. I've been there. Naranasan kong mag isa. I was sitting alone at the corner. Making myself busy. I keep writing. Now I understood how drawing could be a past time and a relaxation for people who choose to be quiet. I successfully made progress with my grades but even with that, napapagod pa rin ako. I always feel na parang may kulang. And that palagi kong iniisip na everything that makes me happy right now are just temporary. I always try to cheer myself up. I motivate myself. I try fixing myself. Pero iba pa rin talaga kapag may mga mga tao around you to support and motivate you. It's when you know you're more appreciated. Palagi kita kinukulit kasi I'm happy talking to you and if you ever made me feel the opposite way, sobrang nasasaktan ako. That's when I begin to become distant again. I feel frustrated that I can easily notice things. Kaya please, kapag naiinis ka sakin, wag mong ipahalata sakin... Please. Kahit yun lang. I'm sorry, I want to choose myself right now. The decisions I've made in the past, wasn't for me. Maraming akong plano para sa sarili ko pero dahil sa lahat ng nangyayari, I keep forgetting myself. I keep forgetting to look for my own happiness. Sa ngayon, kung sinong mags-stay yun na lang. If you're tired of me, sige okay lang. If you're happy na wala na ako, then as long as you're happy, I'm fine. Pagod na pagod na ako. Nasasaktan na ako ng sobra.. Let me choose myself this time.
03.24.20
