Greys III - Revelations

Chapter 2 - Semantics & Syntax

I woke up feeling electricity on my skin, and it took me a moment to realize it was James, that my Gift had opened at some point in the night and I could feel him next to me. I loved feeling the fire again like it was burning away all the hurt and anger and ice of the last months, like it was purifying all the hate. I peered one eye open and saw him laying on his back, arms behind his head, watching my ceiling like it was something extremely complex, like it held the answers to world peace and hunger all in one.

A moment later he glanced at me and upon seeing me awake sat up slightly, holding himself up by his elbows, though they sank deep into the mattress from his weight, however slight it may have been. The beds were much too soft at the Vault, or at least mine was, I hadn't actually tested any others.

When James spoke it was in a half-empty voice that made my skin prickle painfully, then I heard his words' meaning and the prickle turned to something worse, something sharper.

"I meant what I said last night, in my room, every word of it, but I can't be what you want, what you deserve or even need. I can't be there for you like I should. I can't show people that, I can't even be your friend or...or anything more. I can't do this."

He gestured at himself lying in my bed. A slight lift pulled at one side of his mouth at his last word, though I could tell it wasn't for me. It was like he was disgusted, no, disappointed with himself for being here with me, for sleeping by my side.

"I've been thinking on this a lot, and I know we won't win if I let myself be so...if I let myself get too...if I let myself have such a glaring weakness, such an easy target. People are weaknesses and showing weakness right now is reckless and stupid. Kael and Nevaeh are one thing, a Clan is one thing, but you...it would be a mistake to have a connection beyond being True Pairs.

I have to be a leader, and so much of being a leader means not being a man or not a good one at least. So much of what it will take to kill my father will be cruel and cold and you won't like who I become, who I am. But I have to be him. I need to be a Half. I need to have people fear me, to think I'm invincible and untouchable and soulless, to think I killed my humanity, carved it out along with my heart, to think my nature won. I can't have them thinking I have anything inside of me, love, or a conscience, or - anything else they can use against us."

He paused, staring at the covers for a moment before taking a deep breath and forging on.

"Jevin was right on one single point, if people knew these feelings, if they knew our connection and how much I need you, it would only be used to destroy me, us. Even when we're around allies, word can get out and I can't risk that. I'm supposed to be a demon, I'm supposed to be damned and heartless, a weapon, and caring about you just doesn't fit into that, it can't. The safest thing is for us to continue as we have, to be partners working for a common goal, but nothing more. Being what we are, acting like I wish I could would be foolish, and I can't make any mistakes against my father."

He paused once more, a drawn-out pause, but I knew he wasn't finished, I could see it in the set of his jaw, the tension of his profile as he stayed reclined next to me. When he spoke again it was in a sad voice, but there was determination underneath.

"I have to be the monster from the city, the Fallen, not who I was with you last fall, not who I was last night. I can't be the person I want to be, I have to be a Half instead."

His entire speech had sounded hesitant, and the way he sometimes paused or restarted was so unlike him. He had stared at the comforter for most of his monologue too, as if he was ashamed of what he was saying, as if he couldn't look me in my eyes. He looked like a boy breaking up with a girl for the first time. And maybe he was.