Greys III - Revelations

Chapter 26 - Waking Dreams

It felt like l was a child again, back in the same house, the same halls, powerless and pathetic, unable to raise a finger against my father. Even in her presence I didn't have the strength to fight him, I couldn't, I would never win. Why had I ever even tried? If I would have just done as he said since the beginning none of this would have happened.

He would have never known of Jordan's existence, he would have never tried to tear my Clan apart, to hurt them through me, but I had been selfish and left him. Left just so he could hunt me down, hunt everyone I cared about down. If I had just become what he wished from the beginning, I wouldn't have dragged so many others down with me. I shouldn't have left, I never should have left. I hated myself for my mistakes, but I hated him more, every part of me hated him, every part of me wanted him dead. Just being in his presence made my mind burn with my need for revenge for all the things he had ruined.

Jordan looked like she was going to run to me, her eyes wide when I looked into them, her beautiful gray, the ones I had missed for months, and now there they were, staring at me, a question in them. I told her to stay, willed her to stay where she was, she couldn't save me now anyway, it was too late. She listened to me, for once, and I thanked Heaven for that small mercy. I couldn't bear to watch my father hurt her, watch him control her. It was better this way, better for her to be across the room from me, better for her to have at least this much distance from my execution.

He asked her to join him then, but I knew what her answer would be, she wouldn't stand beside him, she hated him as much as I did. My body relaxed infinitesimally knowing that, knowing she wouldn't kneel before him, even if it meant my death. At least then it would be over. I felt my father's hand tighten in my hair at her words, straining my neck back as I fought the wince that tried to come with each twist of his grasp.

I wished I could stop him, I wished I could protect Jordan, but it was no use. No one stood a chance against my father, against an Angel. He was death itself, power itself. He wasn't like the creatures I had killed, the Halves even, he was so much more, so much worse. It was useless to even try.

When he spoke I knew the words he said were true, about sending me to Hell, making me pay for all the evil my life held. Even at my young age I knew I had done enough cruelties to send me to Hell many times over, but I wasn't afraid of death, not for myself at least. My only fear was for Jordan.

I was leaving her alone in a world without her Pair. She couldn't stand against him alone, she would suffer under him until even her resolve weakened, until she had no choice but to bow to him, that or suicide, if he gave her the chance. That thought alone was enough to break my heart. I wanted to shut out the thoughts, to tell myself she would find a way to survive, find a way to fight him, but I couldn't make myself believe it. The hopelessness was closing in around me, and for the first time in years, I couldn't find the drive to fight it, to believe that all wasn't lost, not yet.

I never should have left this damned home in the first place. I deserved Hell for what I had done, for leaving Malachi, for what I was going to put Jordan through. I deserved the worst punishment the world could conjure up for all the people, all the friends and allies I had destroyed because I had valued my life above theirs, because I had left this place so many years ago. I should have killed myself instead of trying to live a good life, I should have known it was useless to even try.

I felt the cold metal of the blade against my throat and I welcomed it, I wanted to die. I couldn't do anything about it anyway. I deserved to die, though I wished Jordan didn't have to see it. I deserved Hell, though I wished she didn't have to know it. I kept my eyes full of hate as I felt my father push the blade against my skin, at least Jordan would never know how pathetic I had been in my last moments, at least she would think I was still strong and defiant of my father to the end.