Greys III - Revelations

Chapter 6 - Half a Soul

Jordan and James were terrible actors, or maybe my gift tipped me off. Maybe their hatred was like a disease, something the healing soul in me kept trying to fix, to reach out to and mend. The breach in their relationship, the break in their connection had been almost like a physical injury, that had been clear from the very start.

Maybe I wasn't actually perceptive, maybe my gifts just showed me that their hatred was gone. That the black cancer they had been holding to, letting slowly devour them, the secrets and lies both to the other and to themselves that they had been accepting as truths had disappeared the day our trip was decided on.

Regardless of how I knew, I could see the changes in them immediately. James was healthier, as if his Pair's forgiveness alone gave him vitality, fire, though his body still looked like it belonged to a refugee camp survivor, not the most dangerous Half the Earth housed. And Jordan almost seemed tangibly connected to her former foe now, like they shared one mind, one soul, like a string connected all of their movements.

Sometimes I would watch them, contemplating the possibility that maybe Halflings only had half a soul each, which is how they got the reputation of having none, because anything less than one soul can't really be considered a soul at all. Maybe Halflings always ended evil because they didn't have the other half, a True Pair. Maybe the second half of most Halfling's soul didn't exist, whereas with Jordan, with James, they had a full soul between them that they could somehow share. Sometimes I liked to pretend that that was why they were different, why they were good.

But really I didn't believe any of that shit. People choose their actions, their character, their paths. It might be harder for someone like James to be good than for someone with weaker blood, but he still chose every action, every step, no half a soul or full soul could magically change that. People make choices, and those choices ultimately define them. You are what you do, repeatedly.

It was still entertaining to pretend, to daydream about everything making sense, about my soul theory being some kind of proof that they were wired differently, that they were fundamentally different so there was concrete evidence that they absolutely would be able to overcome themselves, overcome everything. I liked that theory more than the knowledge that there was actually only a small chance that they could fight their natures long enough to face the real enemy. That they would ultimately still probably go dark. I greatly preferred to think there was some reason they couldn't lose, that they were the first Halflings with a shared soul, a real soul, the first Halflings who were truly good because they were the first of their kind, a new kind, a good kind.

I thought I would feel better once Jordan forgave James, once all was as Abby had predicted, once they were united, but I was still scared, fully aware of how easily our entire plan could slip away. One lapse of care, one moment or mistake could be devastating. Three people at the Vault knew of the prophecy in its entirety; Abby, Levi, and me. I knew just how precarious our battle was, how slim our chances, how everything had to go just so for us to even get a shot at that slim chance. How much we would have to sacrifice to get that chance.

All I wanted was a chance. My entire life was for this battle, for this one purpose. It was the only reason I hadn't killed myself at the Vault, the only reason I had decided my life was worth something, and the fact that it was finally time, finally coming to fruition was the most terrifying experience of my existence.

The first month at the Vault all I had wanted was death, to join my family, to not have to try, to not have the burden of life anymore, the work, the guilt. To not have the nightmares anymore. I just wanted to be free of everything, all the pain and shame and memories. After Abby had shared with me the part I was to play in the battle to come, I still wanted to die. I found the tallest tower, stood in the highest window, the toes of my shoes over the edge, but my knuckles had been white on the window frame.

Even if my mind wanted to jump, if it was screaming at me to do it, to run from the responsibilities, the future failures, the emptiness of the life that was ahead of me, the loneliness, my body's instincts to live were too strong. I remember cursing myself as I carefully sat on the ledge, knowing I didn't have the courage to step forward into the air, the nothingness. It was months before I finally decided to accept Abby's request, truly accept it, and promised myself I wouldn't take my life, that I would take the job Abby had offered me and do all I could for the possibility of revenge against the beast that had slaughtered my family.

I had decided to not die, but it wasn't until Levi arrived that I started living, started to understand that I could still find some small joys in life. Even with my job, even with my entire life mapped out for the purpose Abby needed, I could still be something to someone else. I learned quickly that existing in another's world, holding a part of them, having importance in another's heart was the true meaning of living, the deepest form of it.

But now, with my purpose, with Abby's grand plan actually taking place, all the pressure was on. The prophecy was clear, or as clear as a prophecy could ever be. We wouldn't have a second chance at this, we would either win if all the stars aligned and Heaven existed and smiled on us, or everything would break, everything would burn.

I used to want to die, but now I knew for a fact I wasn't ready, not until I played my part. Failure was no longer an option, I had people to protect, to live for, to die for. Even Jordan, someone I had been waiting for for years, had gone from a mission and a curiosity, something interesting to watch, an imperative tool in the plan, to a friend. And her partner, despite his flaws, despite what he probably thought I thought of him, despite how we treated each other, was someone I would willingly lay down my life for.

And not just because the prophecies explicitly stated he was needed, but because he wasn't the evil being he pretended to be, he wasn't even bad, not really, he was just broken, damaged so deeply it was a wonder he wasn't worse than his father. All the conversations with Abby, all the arguments over how he viewed his past pupil now made sense to me. James wasn't evil, at least not yet. Just as Abby had always said. He should have been dark, he had every excuse, every reason to become the devil himself, but instead he only cared about the same cause I cared about, that and Jordan, and his Clan, his family.

Even with him and Jordan mended, I knew he was still ruined in so many ways, ways I could sense with my gifts, ways I could see even without my paranormal perceptions, and yet he still tried, fought, pushed back against his nature and past and upbringing with everything he had in him. I admired him like I admired Abby, and Jordan, and Levi. They were the reasons I was glad I had stepped down from the ledge.

I used to think living for others was less than a full life, weak somehow, but now I saw what Abby had always meant when he talked about serving. If I had continued to live for myself, cut off like I had been, then suicide would have always been an option, an ever lingering temptation, but living for others, putting them first - I knew I wouldn't leave them like that, give in like that. Living life for myself had left me stripped and hollow and numb, but living for Levi, for the role I was tasked with, it gave purpose, true purpose, and a reason for me to keep fighting, keep breathing, to always keep trying.

I hoped James and Jordan would see their roles the way I saw mine. That they would be ready to live for others. It had taken me months to face my destiny, hopefully they had enough time to be ready to face theirs.

Ooh, but what is that pesky prophecy??
We're plodding closer & closer to finding out, ever closer...

T