A Kiss on the Wrist

Please Stop, I Love You {1}

Author's Note eins:

I'm dedicating this chapter to @zouistouchme, because she was the first  person to ever comment on this story and it encouraged me to continue writing :D I don't know if she even reads this anymore since I started it way over a year ago... but thanks babe!

WARNING: This story has everything... love, sex, hate, abuse, and humor. I just want to warn you ahead of time: I am a VERY graphic writer & you'll realize that when you get to the love scenes! This is NOT a G rated story for a reason... [sorry it's kind of a slow build... no smut happens until like Ch 19 but stick with me u pervs]

Check out the media section for the snazzy trailer as well as a nifty pic :)

[2014 Mandy here... hi... um, I just wanted to warn you that I started this story in summer 2012 aka my CARROT DAYZ.  When I try to reread these early chapters I can't help but cringe at times but I still hope u like them c: I'm on book 2 now (AKOTC) and in my opinion, my writing has become stronger throughout the past year... hopefully this story captures your attention enough to stick around <3 thanks for reading!]

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Chapter 1: Please Stop, I Love You


|| c h a n n i n g ||


I stood among the mass of screaming, chaotic fan girls, trying as hard as possible to keep my sanity. I was meant to come to this signing with my friend Jetta, but she'd bailed on me last minute. So now I stood, looking like a creepy loser; I mean technically that's true, but still, I would've felt so much better if she were here. She's the only one who understood just how important those boys were to me.

I crossed my arms over my chest, putting all of my weight on one heel while I tapped my other foot, impatiently. I had my skateboard on the ground and was gently rolling it back and forth with my injured leg; it still hurt to put any pressure on my left foot, so my right was starting to feel numb from bearing my weight all day long.

Jeff had really done a number on me last night.

[ f l a s h b a c k ]

I placed the pizza into the oven and then sprinted up the stairs to call Jetta back since I promised to do so when I got the chance. I ran into my room and flopped onto my bed, wincing a little at the bruises that still remained on my ribs after pissing Jeff off a few nights ago. I dialed her number and rolled onto my back so that I was staring up at my only One Direction poster, feeling that familiar fluttering in the pit of my stomach.

Some people may be obsessed with them for their music or their looks... but not me. I just was in love with the whole package. Their personalities are the greatest I've ever known, and it's safe to say that I would adore them even if they sounded terrible and looked like trolls. Jet finally picked up the phone after the fifth ring, "Hey Chan... what's up?" she asked, sounding unsure.

"Nothing really... you ok?" I asked her as I absentmindedly twirled my long dark hair around my finger.

"Channing ... I'm really sorry..." she trailed off, and my eyes shot wide open, because I knew what she was going to say, "But I can't come tomorrow to the signing..." she almost whispered the last part, probably because she knew that I'd feel upset. Not angry... just anxious about going alone.

"O-Oh... Well that's okay, Jet," I stuttered, as I released the dark lock of hair and rubbed my hands down my face, "No really, it's okay. I'm still going to go. You know I need to see them," I said softly, trying to reassure her.

"I'm sorry, I really am... but coach said she's going to put me in for Kelsey's spot at the swim meet in Chesterfield. I have to swim the 200 meter fly," she groaned. I smiled a little, because I knew Jetta absolutely hated the butterfly stroke, even though she was the absolute best at it.

"Awe... you'll do great!" I smiled trying to sound excited for her, even though in the back of my mind I was a little depressed at the fact that I was going to have to go to the signing tomorrow all alone. Ugh I was going to feel like such a creep.

"Have fun, okay? And make sure you give Niall the letters, Chan," she said seriously. I sucked in a deep breath, almost forgetting about that. I was about to reply when I heard my least favorite voice in the entire world screech up the steps, "C-H-A-N-N-I-N-G!" Jeff screamed from the first floor, and that's when I suddenly smelled it... that burnt smell. Oh shit, the pizza!

"I gotta go J, call me tomorrow!" I whispered hurriedly into the phone before hanging up and sprinting back down the stairs; I came to a stop suddenly to see Jeff standing there, with the burnt pizza in his hands, glaring at me like I was a piece of shit.

"I'm sorry, Jeff! I was just talking to Jetta about her swim me---" before I could finish my plea, I felt a hard smack cross my face, and my head whipped to the side as I held my throbbing cheek. I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes. You'd think after going through this bullshit day after day, I'd work up some kind of numbness to it... but no. Every slap, punch, and kick stung as bad as the first time he hit me, three years ago. Still holding the pizza in his hand, he came forward and backhanded me, causing me to lose my balance and I crumbled to the floor.

After smacking me to the ground, I tried to crawl away, but he grabbed my ankle and dragged me back across the kitchen; my eyes widened in horror as he took the still hot pan, after dumping the pizza to the ground, he roughly pushed it against my bare foot. The blood curdling scream that was wrenched from my lips lasted for about 5 seconds, until he finally pulled the pan away. The tears were streaming down my cheeks as I cradled my red, angry looking heel in my hands. I was in total shock as I stared at the strange little pattern of dots left behind from the pan, which were quickly turning into blisters. This had to be a second degree burn.

"Get up and order a pizza you useless bxtch!" he screamed as he grabbed me by my hair and lifted me to my feet. I quickly took hold of the counter to balance myself and without even looking over my shoulder I limped from the room, leaving my fuming step father and the burnt pizza remains on the floor.

I stumbled up to my room, and after ordering the stupid dick his pizza, I went to my bathroom, locking myself inside. I turned on the shower and quickly stripped off my clothes, being careful when I pulled my left pant leg over my foot. I still felt like the pan was pressed up against my flesh, it was excruciating.

I hobbled into my shower after switching my iPod onto shuffle. I sat against the cold shower wall as the scalding water rained down on me. I felt myself relaxing to Ed Sheeran's soothing voice as "Lego House" drifted into the shower, encircling me in whispered words of love. It was the only time I ever felt loved or protected. How sad is that? The only time I ever felt like I was worthy enough to feel love, was when I heard the voices of Ed and my five favorite boys.

My tears mixed with the clean water, trailing down my cheeks and dying at my lips. The salty taste was something I was so used to, and the thought of it made me cry even harder.

My body was shaking with sobs as I grabbed for one of my hidden razors I had taped up underneath my sink. I fumbled with the tape, finally pulling the razor free and bringing my arm back into the warmth of the shower. I was about to slide the glistening metal across my usual place, my thighs, but I looked at the condition they were in and decided against it, as they were still a bit torn up from the other night. My eyes slowly wandered to my wrists. I had a few scars along my forearms, but for the most part, I tried to avoid cutting my wrists... merely because it seemed so cliché. I didn't cut for the attention, I cut to feel control. However, at that moment, I didn't care about the fact I'd have to worry about hiding the cuts tomorrow... at that moment, I just wanted to feel the release.

As I slid the razor across my marred flesh, I winced slightly as I pushed down hard enough to draw blood, but not deep enough to cause any serious damage. Although I truly hated my life at the moment, I never actually wanted to end it. I'm not sure why cutting felt so good to me, but it was like a drug, and I needed to reach that high in order to deal with the fxcked up things in my life and carry on. I just hoped that one day I'd be able to look back on these days and be proud of myself for getting through them.

As the blood flowed freely from the open wound across my wrist, and I watched each droplet flow into the clean water, I felt my heartache lessen, and my resolve to overcome grow stronger. This was just a phase, I knew that eventually I'd be able to stop, at least I hoped I would... but for now, this was the only way I was able to cope. If it weren't for those boys though... I'm not sure I'd still be here.

I sat in the shower for a long time, as I watched the streams of red tinted water disappear down the drain. I sat there feeling numb until the water ran cold and my teeth began to chatter. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my wrist as I left the bathroom. I didn't have to worry about a mess, because I only ever cut in the shower, exactly for that reason. I also only used dark bath towels so that any blood stains wouldn't be noticeable.

After taking my desk chair and ramming it under my bedroom door handle, just like I did every single night... I shrugged into my warm fuzzy robe and crawled under my sheets. As I pulled and cuddled my injured wrist against my chest; I felt sleep tugging at my eyelids. After a few moments, I gave in and let the darkness surround me as the promise of dreams of a better life carried me away.

[ e n d  f l a s h b a c k ]

I shivered slightly at the memory as I slipped my iPod out of my pocket and began shuffling through the songs until I came to one I hadn't listened to in a while, "Until the Day I Die", by Story of the Year. After pushing my ear buds in, I felt my back muscles immediately relax to the music. I started softly humming along with the tune, trying my best not to disturb anybody around me, but they were all so busy babbling with their friends about One Direction that I felt pretty much invisible, which I saw as a good thing. I liked being invisible, it was considered a super power after all, wasn't it?

Some people may accuse me of being overly dramatic when I say that One Direction saved me... but I honestly feel like they did. Before I found out who they were and began watching the video diaries and interviews last year, I honestly felt so hopeless and alone... like I was just existing in my horrible life as I let Jeff beat the shxt out of me every night. After I found them, things seemed to change for me. I found myself getting excited about little things again, like the boys appearing on a talk show or doing a twitcam. It may seem simple and juvenile, but I honestly didn't have much to look forward to in my life, and just reading about, listening to, and watching the boys made things seem a little better. They were just so honest and real. I was probably one of their biggest fans, not for their music or looks, but just because without knowing it, they gave me a distraction... and a way to feel happiness again.

I wasn't a typical fangirl... I didn't collect every single piece of merchandise, I didn't go to their concerts, or constantly ask them to follow me on twitter. I just kept up with the things they were doing and loved them from afar. Yep, that sounds pretty stalkerish and weird, but it's the only way I can explain it.

I gripped the envelope which housed the letters I'd written to Niall tightly in my hand, still unsure if I was going to deliver it to him. In the letters, I literally bared my soul,revealing all of my secrets, hopes, dreams and fears. I suppose the letters were somewhat of a diary. I just wanted the boys to know they helped me, and made me feel loved even though they had no idea who I was... and I just wanted them to know me, like I felt like I knew them. I shoved the envelope back into my pocket before clicking my iPod to change it to the next song.

Some of the other girls were beginning to sit down, since we'd been standing here for hours, so I decided to join in and plopped down rather ungracefully onto my skateboard, slowly rolling myself back and forth. The girls who were sitting behind me gave me a weird look and then whispered to each other; I shrugged my shoulders and continued listening to my iPod, I didn't really care what people thought or said about me. Honestly, their remarks couldn't hurt me at all compared to what I had to put with on a daily basis.

As I sat there pretty much twiddling my thumbs, (it's not like I could afford a phone, and hell would freeze over before Jeff ever bought me one... not to mention, my iPod was a hand-me-down from Jetta), I listened as the song changed. My heartbeat started racing as I listened to the gentle strumming of the opening of the song. This song always made me break down, because I felt like they were singing it right to me. I squeezed my eyes shut as I listened to Zayn's beautiful, even tone, followed by Liam. Truthfully, Little Things meant a lot to me, just because of its honesty and simplicity. I looked at my thighs and played with the frayed edges of my white cut-off jeans, pulling them down slightly to cover one of my scars that was slightly peeking out.

As I listened to my favorite part of the song, I slid my bracelets up a little and rubbed my fingers over the slash marks that decorated my left wrist. The part where I held my breath and imagined I had a different life... Niall's solo. He delivered it so well, and it just killed me that I felt so many emotions toward someone who would never even know I existed. Yeah, sure they'd meet me today and say hello, and maybe give me a high five, or if I'm really lucky, a hug... but honestly as soon as I left, I would just mix in with all of the memories they had of meeting their fans.

I felt a single tear escape, betraying my closed eyes as it slid down my cheek. I quickly swiped it away and opened my grey eyes to look up at the clouds as I lay back and rested my head on my arms. I was using my skateboard as a pillow, and oddly, it was rather comfortable. As Little Things came to a close, I felt that sinking in my stomach I always got after this song finished... emptiness. It was so beautiful and made me smile for 3 minutes and 38 seconds... but every time it ended, I remembered I was unwanted and utterly alone... and that's how it would always be.

Although the chatter happening around me was rather loud and obnoxious, it seemed to get ten times worse as the girls began suddenly screaming and jumping up and down. I realized that could only mean one thing, so I looked up just in time to see the boys standing by the table with big grins on their faces, staring out into the crowd. I quickly shot up to my feet and hugged my arms up to my chest as I watched the other fan girls go absolutely nuts. Sometimes I was embarrassed to be a directioner just because some of the fans could be so... intense. Though, at the end of the day, I remember I'm a directioner for the boys, not the fans... so I don't let it bother me. I mean, maybe the boys have helped some of these other girls to the extremes they helped me.

My eyes took a few seconds to absorb the perfection that radiated from each boy. First there was Louis, with his poised demeanor and adorable smile, then Zayn, who stood waving as he tried to hide a little smirk, always trying to seem mysterious. Liam was in middle of the boys, a big genuine smile covered his face as he waved enthusiastically to the crowd. God he looked like such a puppy. At the end of the table, sat Harry with his cute dimples and cheeky smile, and sitting next to him, last (you know, because he's Irish) but not least was Niall. Blond hair, dark roots, pale complexion, blue eyes, braces... God he was just so perfect. I had the biggest crush on the Irish one... seriously, I was probably borderline obsessed.

They passed a megaphone down the line of boys, when it reached Niall, he smiled and brought it up to his mouth; goosebumps skittered up my arms as I heard the ring of his Irish accent echoing through the crowd, "'Ello, how're yeh all doin' tahday?" he greeted happily to all the frantic girls. He was answered by a collective scream, as well as a few vulgar remarks.

"Well, the lads n' I are so exited tah be here, an' we wantah tank ev'ryone fer commin' out tahday. Yer all so amazin'," He said with a laugh as the girls screamed again. Well actually, they never stopped screaming... so they just continued to scream. The girls standing behind me were especially loud, and I was a little concerned for my ear drums.

I felt a big grin take over my face as I saw their body guards release the first mass of obnoxious girls to the boys' table. I watched on in awe as line after line of girls went through, giving them gifts, things to sign, high fives and quick one armed hugs if time allowed. As I got closer to the front of the line, I could feel my nerves coiling around into a big ball in my stomach. As I continued getting closer and closer, my anxiety continued to grow. I just wanted to get up there and stare at them... would they find that odd?

I watched closely as the boys interacted with their fans and couldn't help but to squeal (on the inside) at how cute they were with their bromances. Niall and Harry kept messing around and laughing, while Louis kept complaining, asking them all why he ended up sitting so far away from Harry. I rolled my eyes and grinned stupidly at their cuteness. I mean... Narry was my OTP, so I was in fangirl heaven at the moment... you know... if I was a fangirl.

By the time I reached the front of the line, I was feeling so nervous and self conscious I could puke. God... please don't let me barf on Niall... I beg of you. There were still about five girls waiting in front of me, and I stood, feeling like a complete bundle of nerves as I was ushered forward by one of the not so friendly body guards.

I suddenly began feeling very weird watching as all the other girls gripped onto their CD's and various merchandise because I hadn't brought anything for the boys to sign. Wow... this was going to be awkward. Um... hi. I'm Channing and I was just wondering if I could awkwardly stand here for five minutes and stare at your beautiful faces? Hopefully they'd go for it...

I was about ten feet away from the boys, and up next to walk to the table, "Keep moving, keep moving!" I kept hearing the body guards repeat harshly. I hated the way they rushed us through this... for some people (like me) this may be their only chance to meet the boys.

I felt my body trembling slightly as one of the body guards gave me a gentle shove toward the table. All the girls in front of and behind me had cameras ready and were laughing and sometimes squealing as they tried to gain the boys' attention. My eyes wandered to behind the table where they had boxes where they put the things their fans gave them... these events must be so overwhelming; honestly what on earth do they do with all of those gifts?

As I made my way to the table, I tried to tame my wandering thoughts and focus on the moment. This was my only chance to ever interact with them, and I didn't want to let it pass me by because I was nervous. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, I reached the table and nearly fainted as Louis threw his bright, shining smile my way.

"'Ello, love... how are you today?" Louis chirped, in his beautiful little high pitched accent, as his eyes met mine. He looked toward my hands, I guess expecting me to thrust some random object in his face for him to sign. I smiled sheepishly as I put my hands up and shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing for us to sign?" he asked curiously as he slid his permanent marker smoothly behind his ear, I assume for safe keeping?

I felt my cheeks warm slightly as I awkwardly clapped my hands together shaking my head. I scrunched up my face in concentration as I thought about what to say without sounding like a deranged stalker.

I let out an awkward laugh as I gazed into his pretty eyes, "Yeah... sorry. I don't really want anything signed..." I stopped speaking when I heard one of Niall's famous laughs at the end of the table. Both Harry and himself were in hysterics about something a fan said. I felt a dumb smile slip onto my face as I watched Niall laugh, but then quickly snapped my head back to Louis when I heard him clear his throat.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I was just going to say that I... I just really wanted to meet you. All of you..." I motioned to all the boys sitting along the table, "I just wanted to let you all know how much you've helped me through some hard times in my life." I said, and I could hear my voice trembling. "I don't need any autographs, I know you're just normal people. I just really wanted to meet you, and say thanks... is that alright?," I trailed off as I looked up shyly.

I still felt like I was on the verge of tears, but I held myself together... I wasn't going to let myself fall to pieces in front these boys who I loved so much. Or these thousands of girls behind me who had freaking cameras.

When I looked up, I saw that I had the attention of the rest of the table; Louis was nodding his head approvingly as my eyes met his once more.

"Of course that's fine, love," Liam gushed as he gave me a huge smile.

"Not to mention refreshing," Zayn added softly as he stood up and leaned across the table to give me a hug. I was so stunned at first, it took me a few seconds to actually hug him back. I squeezed him tightly, still surprised that he did that. Usually it's the fans that initiate the hugs, right?

Louis nodded his head and took my hand. He kissed it quickly and also leaned across the table to hug me. I heard some of the girls still waiting in line making catty remarks. I let a single tear slip down my cheek as I hugged Louis tightly. He pulled back and looked me in the eye, swiping the tear off my cheek.

"A pretty girl like you should never cry," Louis whispered as he released me.

After giving Louis a grateful smile, I made my way down the table, stopping in front of Liam; he was also smiling at me as he stood, pulling me in for a hug, "We're so happy you came out to see us, ..." he trailed off, hinting to know my name.

"O-oh! My name is Channing," I said in an excited stutter, "Some people call me Chan..." I continued, lamely.

Liam smiled and squeezed me into another hug before saying, "Well Chan, we're so happy you came, and we're happy that we helped you in any way we could," he said seriously as he looked me in the eye, "Now, you take care of yourself, yeah?" he insisted.

I nodded my head, offering Liam a silent promise before he released me from the hug. As I turned and made my way towards the end of the table, I looked up to see a pair of bright green eyes as well as a pair colored in blue starring at me curiously. Oh be still my Narry heart...