Gun metal and Daisies (Thomas Shelby)

Bastard. Selfish bastard.

I not
Mad at myself for
Giving my love to the
Wrong people; they
Probably needed it
The most.

Dorothy opened her mouth, and what came out, Thomas thought, was not too different from the sound of a distant star being born.

"Okay then." Her voice wasn't sassy, nor sarcastic or rude. It sounded like the epitome of fatigued acceptance and hard pills to swallow.

She fiddled with the tea towel for a moment, ringing it between her hands. She lowered her gaze to the floor before nodding her head and lifting her gaze back up to Thomas' watchful eye.

Without another word and without violent movement, she turned on her heel and walked back to the cottage that had smoke coming out the chimney.

No one said anything. No one could figure out her reaction. She held her head high and walked away. No shouting or tears, no forgiveness and relieved smiles.

She'd changed. You could see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch, and hear it in her tone. She's not the same, and Thomas wondered if she was coming back.

——

Another boy stumbled out of the cottage, Theo. He'd clearly had a growth spurt. Despite being taller, he still held a mischievous childish grin on his face. "Tom?" Theo paused in his footsteps.

"'Ello Theo." Thomas offered a small smile- one that wasn't returned.

"You should go. It's not good for you to be here. Not after what you did to her." He mumbled while glaring at the older man.

"S'alright Theo." Matilda put a hand out. "I already told him 'e's not welcome here." She turned back to Thomas.

Thomas nodded and lit a cigarette, "whats it been like? This past year, I mean." This was his condition for leaving.

Matilda exchanged a glance with Theo. "Leah can you take Tammy inside? Dotty will need help with her sweets." Matilda waved the girl away.

Leah huffed and took Tammy by the hand mumbling, "s'not fair. I worry 'bout her too y'know."

The statement caught Thomas off guard, making his attention revert back to Matilda and Theo who were still giving him nasty glares.

"We got off a train, was outside for one night. Next day, Dotty came by with house keys. Life moved on from there." Theo shrugged, he didn't like talking about anything too close to that time.

Matilda sighed, "she worked her arse off. Still does. She's working two full time jobs, jus' glad she can work them from home. Darcy can't work and I can only just deliver the paper."

Thomas' thoughts flashed back to Dorothy working six days a week and even then struggling to hold herself together, he worried how she did it now. "Isn't all that work bad for 'er health?"

Matilda scoffed, "'course it is! We always find her on the floor or throwing up in the bathroom. That's only the physical side of it all, too."

"There's more?" Thomas edged forward.

"Why do you fuckin care? Eh? We've done our grieving. You had a whole FUCKING year to get over it. She hasn't had the time to even accept he's gone. Every time she does a headcount she always looks to the end of the line, expecting to see him. But he's never there, is he?"

Theo kicked a small pebble and cleared his throat, "she sold her camera, too." Matilda nudged him with a pointed look. He glared back, "she sold her camera. Sold a lotta other things as well..."

Thomas' mind froze. It no longer whirred with images and guilt, instead all he could think about was the day they spent out together.

"Natures imagination is better than yours, and she is under no obligation to make herself comprehensible- a thing you should remember, Bubs." He remembered everything. He remembered that name. That stupid fucking name- that he loved, but would never admit it. It had been so long since he heard that name. He'd give anything for it to just come from her lips again. Selfish bastard.

"She's falling a part. And you we're supposed to be there. How dare you come here, looking for company when you finally realised how lonely you were. You're a selfish bastard for coming here. Don't come here with your car and crown and expect us to come back. No one with a crown comes in peace..." Matilda spat.

This was all true. But he couldn't go. He couldn't let this go. Not like this. He had the best thing at the tips of his fingers- and he let it slip away. Looking on now, he realised that he didn't only lose her. He lost a support system. A group of people who the world looked at and valued less than dirt, but Thomas looked at them and saw an insatiable warmth that protected you from fleeting stars and rogue thoughts.

While buried deep in his head, he didn't notice the sound of stomping feet, nor the clattering of jewellery. He did notice though, was a neck snapping slap to the face.

Thomas blinked in surprise. The burning settled on his bones.

"You're a fool for coming here." Darcy Monroe snarled. She looked different. She no longer looked like death rattled her lungs, but the bruises under her eyes told him that a different kind of disease was killing her.

Thomas still did not speak. "She still puts on a smile everyday. She still refuses to make the world her enemy. She still looks at every flower and states that it is prettier than the last she saw. She still refuses to believe the odds are stacked against her.

"She made you a better man. You made her a happier woman. But you're also a foolish man for ever believing you could save her, but the devil himself abandoning her when she needed you most."

Thomas looked around and saw that the children had left. It was him against a lady who, like him, had cheated death by the skin of their teeth.

"She didn't just give up her camera and her wardrobe. She gave up more than what your dirty selfish lust-driven mind wanted. It was taken from her. Not by accident, but rather an agreement for survival. She gets nightmares too. Sometimes I hear her call out for you. But you're never there. Why aren't you ever there Thomas?

"You can make this right. But you need to fucking be there. No more hero shit. No more villain. Be a fucking man. Hurt her with the truth, but don't comfort her with lies. She refuses to break, but you almost did break her. You always liked a challenge, didn't you, Thomas?"

——

No one in the cottage house saw Thomas drive for thirty seconds down the road until he was out of sight, only for him to stop. No one saw him slam his hand on the steering wheel, nor the way he let out a roar, closer to that of Cerberus, the hellhound that guards the underworld. No one saw the flow of tears that escaped his eyes as he mourned love.
No one saw his eyes that were now glazed over, shift onto the bluebells in the back seat.

How do you get over someone who was never truly yours?
Who do you blame when you've broken your own heart?

——

This is killing meeeee. Also, thank you for 8K reads, that shit is FUCKING insane. I love you guys to pieces, and I hope you're all safe!

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