He Took Me

1.

I'm drowning in a puddle. I feel weak and belittled. I try to fight but nothing. I can't move or scream. My blood runs cold when I hear his laughter. He's standing over me, watching drown in my own weakness. So typical of Boris, finding me at my worst and laughing.

"Franky, wake up!" A voice screams. I know that voice but he sounds too distorted.

My wrists hurt.

"Franky!" I'm jerked out of my nightmare to meet Paul's panicked face. "Franky, stop," he pulls my hands apart. I was clawing at them again.

I'm dripping with sweat and my heart is pounding at the speed of light. Too many times I'd woke up like this and for too fucking long.

"Boris," I gasp, jumping out of bed. I burst into his room to find him sitting up in bed, shaking. Any other baby would've been crying their eyes out but not my Boris, he's just like his father.

"It's ok, baby," I assure him, rubbing his back, "mummy's fine."

He has my eyes and hair but everything is his father's. He has his father's nose, lips, jawline, even growth, my three-year-old son looks like he's five.

"Franky." Paul's standing in the doorway. "Go get some water, I can watch him."

"No Paul." I sit next to my son. He's calmer now. I know Paul cares for Boris but Paul isn't Boris' father. Boris-my beast-doesn't know about Boris, Paul has no right to raise Boris.

I've been planning on writing Boris, telling him that he has a son but the thought of even connecting with Boris gives me anxiety and causes nightmares. I don't even know where to begin on the letter.

A part of me will grow angry with my beast, he left me with my parents and half a million dollars. What a bipolar asshole. Leaving me with them, with that kind of money.

"Franky," Paul sighs. Eight days in a row where I had this nightmare, Paul's sweet but he's growing annoyed.

"You're not his fathers," I snap. Although Boris has Paul and Lincoln in his life, they're not his father. I need to connect Boris, no child should grow up without their father.

Paul's still for a moment then leaves.

"Mummy?" Boris J whispers.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" I cup his face and he nods. I kiss his forehead then he scoots over to make room for me.

*********

"Morning," I try to smile at Paul as I enter the kitchen. I'm exhausted. Boris J helps me sleep a dreamless sleep but it takes a while for me to actually fall asleep.

He doesn't respond. Instead, he drinks his coffee.

"Are you still mad?" I question him.

"You know what? Yes, I am," he snarls. "I was there for every moment! Since you told me you were pregnant with his child, I was there!"

"No, you weren't. Now, shush, Boris is still sleeping."

"I wasn't there?" He scoffs.

"No, you weren't," I repeat. "I did everything to make sure you didn't raise him! That none of you raised him!" I shout in a hush.

"So what am I doing here?!" He throws his arms in the air.

I chuckle weakly at his question. "Did you think I asked you here to raise my son?"