English Rose - Alycia Debnam Carey

Fate

The soft light of the early morning gently woke me up. My eyes were looking around, remembering where I fell asleep. Then I turned around and saw her there. She was peacefully sleeping, her lips briefly parted, her hair all around the pillow, just like years ago, this was the way I used to wake up. Next to her. I smiled without realizing.

Now I didn't know what to do. Leave like a thief? Prepare breakfast like before without thinking about Alex? Wake her up and go? Let's get changed and then I'll know. I went then to the bathroom making sure I didn't wake her up and put my clothes on and leaving the clothes she gave me well put on the sink. When I exited the bathroom room, she was sitting on the bed, surprising me making me jump a little.
-Oh you're awake I see!
-Yes I heard you! But don't worry it's fine y/n.
-But I made sure I was silent...
-Yes you were, it's... I heard you standing. I know when someone leaves the bed, especially you!
-Oh... Hum... Well... I'm going to call Alex and tell him I'll be home soon.
-Yes of course.

I went to the living room and called him while I saw Alycia making coffee, I couldn't stop smiling at all the things she did even though I didn't want to. We weren't anything anymore. The kiss we shared last night shouldn't have happened. This has to be the last time I see her...
-Coffee?
She offered smiling.
-Hum... Well... I have to... Go... But since it's already in the cup, well... Yes then!
I said embarrassed. We were sitting in an odd silence until I finally finished my coffee.
-Well... Now I have to go Alycia... Hum...
I didn't know what to say at all.
-Listen. I know you don't want to break what you build since we aren't anything anymore... I understand it, deeply. I'm sure you don't want to see me no more but just know I'll be here, always.
She still, after years, know me so well.
-How can you know me still so good?
-I just... Understand I guess.
-I'm sorry for what happened last night, I shouldn't have done this... I don't want to be a bitch and cheat on my boyfriend and last night was already too much for my values... I... Shouldn't have kissed you again...
Her eyes looked hurt, one more time but this time it had to happen this way. Right?

The rain was pouting outside, she accompanied me to the door of her shop to open it for me. We stand in front of each other, staring blankly at each other before she moved. She deposed a light yet meaningful kiss on my cheek, leaving me frozen in my shoes.
-Get well home y/n.
She then opened the door for me and let it open. I finally broke eye contact and left to reach my car. I was soaked but I couldn't care less, I was lost in another dimension. My mind couldn't think straight, I couldn't do anything. Now I really know the feeling of being lost.

•••

Back to my flat. I sat still in the car. I had to compose myself and walk back there. I took my bag and walked in. He was peacefully reading a book with soft music playing low and the rain above the beat. He still was dressed in pajamas, his hair messy and a bright smile when he saw me coming in. He put his book on the table and came to me. His smile growing bigger making me smile back. As he came closer to hug me, he lift me off the ground, spinning.
-Alex please stop!
I said laughing. He did and placed a kiss on my head.
-Let's get you changed and then let's chill the whole day, isn't it a good plan?
-It is a good one indeed.

After showering and putting new clothes on, I went cleaning the ones I wore. The strong smell of her place was all around. I wanted to forget her but everything is taking me back, like if the universe wanted me to never forget. I harshly put them in the washing machine and left.

The day slowly and hardly went on. He perfectly saw that something wasn't going well but tried to change my mind as hard as he could anyway. The time to sleep came and he put him arm around me but it did not feel right. All I wanted to do was taking his arm away and letting myself free. I couldn't sleep at all. My thoughts were blank yet so busy and loud. My mind and my heart were at war. One telling to stay and keep this and the other running back to her right now, barefoot in the rain, jumping in her arms and feeling her close again, holding her, loving her...

•••

Few days passed and nothing and everything changed. I felt myself going colder towards him, towards everyone. He knew it, he tried to understand and let me breathe but how can you breathe in a place where the air is running low each second?
Another bizarre evening passed, I was going the dishes when he finally asked.
-Y/n... What's going on? I need to know... I'm begging you, I'm trying my best not knowing anything but I can't handle it anymore...
I let the plates in the sink, my hands full of soap, tears starting to fall.
-Alex... I...
I didn't dare to turn around and face his sad eyes. He came closer and softly turned me around.
-It's okay, don't worry, just let me know, please, that's all I want.
-I... Fuck... I'm bloody lost Alex! I don't know what to do! I feel like a terrible person no matter the decision I'm going to make...
-Are you talking about the night you spent at Alycia's?
-Somehow... I... She told me everything and I was so wrong... So wrong to leave her and now I'm feeling so fucking stupid because everything came back to life!
-You know... When we met, you still were hurt because of your love story with her and I knew you still loved her but you tried to love me anyway. I knew loving you was dangerous, loving you was accepting the moment you would see her again, the moment your feelings for her would set fire again... I tried to prepare myself for this, I really did. The night when you first saw her again I saw the effect you both have on each other after this time. I can't compete with the love you both are sharing. I can't keep you because I love you... I have to let you go if that's what you want, what you need because I love you and deeply care about you y/n...

His word sank deep inside, my tears emerging faster each sentence. The moment was heavy, harsh, slow but full of love. He was holding me so tight as I did, crying on his shoulder. He let me go of his embrace and looked at me.
-Please, follow your heart now, it ached for too long, don't let it longer y/n...
-I love you Alex... So much! Never leave me please...
-I won't, don't worry... Now go! Go to see her!
-Now?
-You can't tell me you don't want to! Get dressed, I'll prepare your bag!

And so I did. I changed. I took my bag. My keys, my tears and drove back to her.

_______________________________________

Hellooooo my beautiful people!

God this chapter is so messy... There's a lot of part that happens after the other and so on but honestly I couldn't write more! It would have been so boring I guess... But! Hope you enjoyed it!

I have to say I loved writing Alex's speech! 😍

Take care!
-Lisa