The Holy Death

Chapter 44

"How do I look?" Doug Campbell asked as he checked himself in the tall mirror in the adult Sunday School classroom of Argyll Presbyterian Church. "Does this cummerbund make me look fat?"

"No," Tim O'Neill said, "your fat belly makes you look fat."

"Oh, hardy-har-har, Don Rickles. You aren't exactly the model image of masculine beauty yourself, you know."

The adult classroom had a bathroom adjacent. The door to the bathroom opened and out stepped Jeremiah, wearing a black tuxedo. And yes, he did cut a fine figure.

"Wow," Said Tim, "Now that man can wear a tuxedo!"

"How do I look?" Jeremiah asked.

"Like if I weren't straight, I'd marry you," Doug replied. Jeremiah smiled. He had not smiled in several weeks, not since the 'Mexican Adventure', as Scott came to call it. The loss of his love was still too fresh in his mind, yet today his heart felt lighter than it had in a while.

"I take it I look acceptable, then," Jeremiah said.

"Uh, yeah," Tim replied.

"Good. It has been a while since I've worn a tuxedo."

"Really?" Doug asked. "I thought all you vampires wore tuxedos, like, all the time!"

"Dude," Tim said, "Scott has worn a tuxedo twice before in his life, once at my wedding and once for his first wedding. Other than that, he wouldn't touch a tux with a ten-foot pole!"

"Well, you gotta admit, my little brother ain't your normal vampire. What are you, by the way?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you heard me, Mr. Tim O'Neill. What are you?"

"A stock manager for a tire distribution center?"

"That doesn't sound exciting at all."

"Can I come out now?" Scott asked from inside the restroom.

"Please do," Jeremiah responded. "Just wait. You should see this."

The door opened and Scott Campbell stepped out, dressed in full Highland regalia, from a kilt in the traditional Campbell tartan, to a Prince Charlie jacket and waistcoat, a fly plaid (also in Campbell tartan), wool hose and ghillie brogues. He wore a dirk next to his sporran.

"Now," Doug Campbell said, "I gotta admit, you are one handsome figure of a man, Scott Campbell."

"Ah, gee, you're embarrassing me!"

"Nice dress," Tim said. "So, is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"What Scotsmen wear under the kilt. What do you got on under there?"

"Uh, shoes?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Maybe you should take it easy on Scott," Doug said. "After all, he does have a big knife on his belt."

Scott grabbed the carved wooden hilt of the dirk. "Doug, this is an ancestral Campbell family dirk. It dates from the 1700's, and I don't need it to ruin your day, now do I?"

"Oh no," Doug laughed. "You got those fangs, which begs the question: why carry a big assed knife when you got fangs?"

"You can't cut the cake with fangs!"