Stolen Voices ✓

December 24th

"My biggest fear is I will forever be stuck in this cycle,"

- Mara Gray

December 24th:

He stands imperious beneath the blinding lights, staring out at the crowd of parents and siblings, gleaming bright. Standing on the old boarded stage below the spotlight, his fellow classmates clustered together. They sing of tune to Christmas themes that will be incomprehensible if it wasn't for the music teacher playing the piano. Her hands, flying over the white and black keys, comically mouthing the words for them to follow along, smiling in between.

---

He stands exalted beneath the blinding splendor of the winter wonderland, the trees sifted white with snow. Staring out towards Mara, he beams bright. Knee deep in snow, he watches as she struggles to roll the ball of snow, the head of their snowman. A deep chuckle, vibrating in his chest as she glares at him, shoving him away from her as her face twists concentrate. Her tongue, sticking out of the corner of her mouth, her brows furrowed.

Are secrets really worth squandering all of this, Elias is rent between what is right and what he desires. He still hasn't told Mara about the internship offer in New York, all the way across the country, knowing she will persuade him to take it. It is the opportunity of a lifetime, yet a piece of him doesn't want to go, and that piece is keeping him back. He doesn't want to leave this, whatever it has become, behind. So, instead, he snubbs it.

"What should we name him?" Mara breaks his thoughts, staring at the lopsided snowman, its carrot nose falling out of place, her pink wool scarf wrapped around its neck. She claps the snow from her gloves, watching the surge down, white flakes coating her hair.

"How are you so sure it's a him?" Elias counters, looking pointedly at her.

"How about Picasso?" She ignores him, nodding her head as she smirks, rolling her shoulders, "we should name it Picasso because it's a work of art, Eli."

"You're pretty," he teases, placing a slobbery kiss on her temples.

"I am being serious, babe. What if we scar him by giving him a horrible name, and all his little snow friends make fun of him or some shit like that," she laments, running a hand through her hair, her face misshapen. Elias titters, wrapping his arms from behind her and resting his chin on her shoulder. His warm breath, fanning the side of her neck, still to this day providing goosebumps.

She will never get used to his closeness, the way she feels ignited just in his near presence. He is a sedative to her, one that is going to ultimately kill her, at least not indefinitely.

"Let's name him Keres," Elias counters.

"What does it mean?" Mara requests, leaning into his back as they stared towards the snowman, whose blueberry lips smiled at them keenly.

"I think it means evil spirits in Greek. That's what my Nana calls my cousins at least," Elias snorts, "that snowman right there looks like he's preparing to murder us in our sleep."

"Nope, try again."

Mara finds the meaning behind names quite accurate, considering the name Mara symbolizes the goddess of destruction. She finds it fitting that after forming that name for herself once put on the spot, she created ruin for most of her life afterward. Starting with her toxic relationships and blameless friendships, to the veritable blankness of months from her life that she can't seem to remember.

Scars on her body she doesn't remember getting or from who they came from. And waking up in bedrooms she doesn't remember falling asleep in, trying to find herself out of threatening situations. Months of her life were lost with acute manic episodes. Even some of her time obsessed with Elias she only knows through conversation in more recent weeks.

Like her sister's wedding is drawn a blank, though she vaguely remembers kissing him for the first time that night. It is like a withered memory, one she can see through blurred lenses.

Other times, like following him around the library that night, wandering the isles. She can't recall a single thing she talked about, only that Elias says she was talking a lot, her train of thought all over the place. It is the mania, a sign of it at least, one that went unnoticed by an unknowing Elias. He knows now, though, always looking out for the little flags that matter most.

"How about Bodhi. That's a cute name with a good meaning behind it," Elias offers, burying his face in her hair. Breathing in her smell of pine and teakwood, the soaps she finds here, forgetting hers at his house. He will never get used to this free will of her body against his. Always finding his hands on her frame, on her skin, tasting her.

How can he leave her and all of this? Long-distance is always an alternative, but he can't even wait two weeks being away from her before he finds himself kissing her. Holding her against him beneath the enigma of ocean saltwater, his harsh palms running over her silky skin.

They won't survive distance, they aren't the type of people who can survive it. When she pushed him away after her episode, it had hurt him so much, but he understood why. She needed to get better for himself to be better for him. At that point, he hadn't realized just how much he cared for her, how deeply it ran. But now, how could he leave it, walk away from it?

But this is also everything he's ever worked for, applying for this internship when he recognized the feasibility of a future. So a part of him worries he will always resent Mara for keeping him back, and she won't know why. It will ravage their relationship, one way or the other, and he feels like he can't stop it like it is all spinning out of control.

"What's wrong?" She murmurs against his cheek, seeing as his face cloud into anguish, his lips pulling down in a deep frown. She turns, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and hugging him to her, his ear against her steady heartbeat.

"Nothing, I just don't like it," he swallows, feeling her tap his neck two times, her fingers tangling into his hair. How she arches into him, his hands on the low curve of her back, holding her to him.

"It's just a snowman," she laughs easily, unknowing of all to come and what he is actually quoting to. Assuming he is referring to their lopsided snowman, "if you hate the name so much, we can change it to whatever you want, babe. Relationships are about compromise- I read that somewhere."

Mara will admit to being a selfish person, not really having anything for herself when she was young. She is trying, though, to be better for him.

"I don't want this to end," he groans, a sob in his chest. So faint against the wind of outside, the drum of her steady patterned heartbeat. The vibration of the branches of the trees against the blow. The rattle of the green shutters against the house.

The turbulent silence of unspoken nothings. All which seems worse than anything else, more cutting.

"It's not going to end," she laughs, "Bodhi is strong, I know he'll fight off the winter storm."

He may fight off whatever violence of winter, but eventually, the sun will emerge in the sky and melt Bodhi into a concept. Until he is a puddle on the sidewalk, the water of his snowflakes seeping into the grass below. Different people, stomping over where he once stood without knowing of his existence.

Good things only last so long before they melt into a forgotten memory.

---

Authors Note:

A/n: Are you more a fan of winter or summer?

Thoughts?

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- Nia D.

Edited 4/14/22