Repeat After Me

Chapter 20

I told mum I was going for a walk with Luisa and met Asten at St Kilda Beach. He was on the phone when I arrived and held up two fingers. I paused where I was. He was talking into the telephone with his voice tuned down low, 'Of course. Don't worry sweetheart. I know. I'll be there after six.'

He hung up the phone and announced, 'My mum. She checks in daily at the moment. Everyone's trying to connect, aren't they?'

I tried smiling, yet I felt bruised. Scepticism lay down weed mat.

He tried to kiss me, but I turned my cheek. 'You all good?' he asked.

'Yeah sure,' I said. Suddenly I didn't want a walk along the beach path anymore. I wanted to be home working on my art assignment that I was a week behind with. Why was I letting everything slip for this guy? 'Sweetheart'. Who calls their mum sweetheart? He was lying.

'Everything good at home?' he asked, trying to take my hand. I felt stone cold towards him. I put my hands in my pockets.

'Yeah, they're all fine,' I said.

'School?'

'Fine.'

'You got an idea for the Abandoned Spaces show yet?'

'Let's start walking,' I said.

The boulevard was full of people. It was hard to keep social distance when it was so packed with people trying to get out and enjoy the sunshine while it lasted. We were heading into winter and these sunny days seemed like they could disappear at any time.

'Did you break up with your girlfriend?' I asked eventually, as that was all I really wanted to know.

'Not yet,' he said, readjusting the hem of his Hurley t-shirt. 'It's difficult now, as you know. It's not the right time.'

'So you're still seeing her?'

He shrugged his shoulders.

'When?' I asked, my voice sliding upwards, my heart a beatbox.

'Sometimes.'

I wanted a fire escape to flee from this feeling of worthlessness. How could he say he was imagining and then do nothing to make those imaginings real?

'She's strong but she's fragile. The time has to be right,' he said.

I felt dirty, like I wanted to go home and have a shower. I'd imagined Asten and I as a pair boarding Noah's Ark, when, I was actually a third wheel. A nothing. A bit of entertainment on the side. A quick kiss. A flirtation.

'South Australia has had no new cases for a week,' Asten said. 'They're talking about reopening.'

'Hmm,' I said. I was tired of coronavirus talk and the rollercoaster of hopefulness and dread.

'Some of us have started painting at the Abandoned Spaces site. You can go there from Saturday if you like.'

'Yeah, I'll see. I've got to get home. I've got a tonne of school work to do.' This walk with Asten was pointless. He was nothing but a cheat and a liar. He only cared about himself. He was a cardboard cutout, all looks, all talk, no emotion. He didn't care that I cared for him.

'What? You only just got here.'

I felt submerged, like I was looking through a periscope at Asten, at the people on the boulevard, at the autumn sun. I shrugged my shoulders. 'I'm falling behind,' I said. As I backed away from Asten, I clumsily brushed against an old man.

'Hey watch it, miss,' the man said.

'We're all staying home to protect you,' Asten said back at him. 'You're the one who should watch out.' My jaw fell open. I quickened my pace and raced across the lawn towards the road.

'Ivy!' Asten called out after me. He caught up with me. 'Hey, I'm sorry, I know this is tricky for you, but I meant what I said.'

'Look, I can't deal with anything complicated at the moment,' I said. 'The world has imploded and I want to get into art school and I don't want to waste my time.'

'Waste your time?'

'Yeah sure, you feel like a waste of time. I'm not into drama. I'm not into having feelings for a guy who has a girlfriend.' Right then I wanted to reach into my chest and pull those feelings out and dangle them on the lawn like innards. 'Let's just be friends yeah, let's not pretend we're anything else. You need to sort out your own shit.'

It was weird. It was like the more worked up I got, the calmer he became. Like this exchange was just the way he enjoyed it. His face softened, his lips parted pleasantly, he was almost smiling. Finally I was proving how much I liked him.

'I understand what you're saying,' he said. 'Just be patient. Anything good is worth waiting for.'

A front end collision of rage and confusion and desire and jealousy, glass and metal roadkill sliming down the windowpane of my heart. It was too hard to steer when I couldn't see past the headlights.

'I have to go,' I insisted.

Back home, misery lay her heavy hand on my chest, confusion infiltrated my mind, black and white turned to grey, a woolly mammoth charged through my being and nudged at my thoughts with sharp tusks. An ice age settled across my body and petrified me.