Repeat After Me

Chapter 32

Asten called me that afternoon. 'Hey, I'm on ET's phone. He told me,' he said. 'Let's meet, yeah?'

We met at St Kilda Beach. It was overcast and windy and the clouds were threatening rain like an economic downturn. We sat down on the lawn. Asten pulled his hoodie up over his head and I wrapped my arms around my army jacket.

'I understand now,' I began, 'how difficult it is for you. I'm sorry. I hadn't understood before.'

Asten readjusted the hoodie on his head. 'I don't like talking about it,' he said. 'It makes me feel pathetic. Like what kind of a guy can't walk away from someone like her?'

'A nice guy,' I said.

'Yeah, but what good does it do me?' He bowed his head. I could hardly see his face under the hood, and I wondered if it was more to protect him from the wind or from me bearing witness to his sadness.

'It doesn't help her for you to stay when you feel trapped,' I said.

'I've tried to leave twice,' Asten said. 'Both times she harmed herself. Both times she ended up in hospital.'

'What about her parents? Doesn't she have any family?'

'They've given up on her. I mean, don't get me wrong, they support her financially. They pay for a lovely apartment she has in Elwood. They pay all her bills. They get the best care for her. She's been in and out of psychiatric institutions over the last few years. They're expensive.'

'She's not your problem' I said.

'If something happens to her, it's on me.'

'But what's it like when you're with her? Do you enjoy each other?'

He pushed the hood off his head. His eyes became starey. 'We used to. We used to be so in love. So happy. Nowadays, though, we treat each other badly. We argue all the time. She says the worst things to me. Maybe I've started believing them.'

'What kind of things?'

'That I'll never be an artist. That I have a crap job. That I don't even know how to support myself. And you know, she's kind of right. At the moment I can't support myself. I'm only back working three days a week. I can hardly pay the rent. She's been helping me. I'm telling you, I'm pathetic.'

His face was a portable green screen with the make believe projection turned off. Edge detection revealed he was broken, vulnerable and scared. Alicia was able to manipulate the background and hold him captive through trickery and dependency.

'What's in it for her?' I asked.

'Huh?'

'Like what's in it for her to hold you hostage like this? She can't be enjoying it if you're not getting along.'

'Sometimes I think that the only thing she enjoys is punishing me and stopping me from getting on with my life. It gives her purpose. It makes her feel in control.' Asten flipped his hood back over his head and zipped his top up to the neck. We sat in silence for a moment. 'I feel pathetic telling you all this.' His voice had lost its vigour. 'I don't want you to think less of me.'

'I don't,' I said. 'I feel more.'

'I've been honest when I said I couldn't stop imagining ...'

'I understand that now.'

The silence dusted the air.

'It's like, when you came along, I felt good again. Good about myself. You were nice and weren't talking me down all the time. I'd forgotten what that felt like,' he said. He looked me in the eyes, his lips creased to the side.

'I wish it wasn't like this,' I said. 'I have feelings for you.'

'I have massive feelings for you too,' he said.

'But it doesn't change anything for me,' I said. 'You still have a girlfriend. And it's still messy. I can't get involved.'

'I'm sorry she came and saw you like that ...'

'It wasn't pleasant,' I said.

'I know,' he said. 'I know what she's like. It worked.'

'I can't do anything. You're the only one who can make changes here,' I said. 'I'm not going to tell you what to do. It's only you who can sort these things out.'

He twisted a black friendship band on his wrist and nodded at the sea.