Bad Enough for You (Currently Editing)

Prologue (e)

Looking back on everything that happened, it all felt like a hazy memory. A memory that was constantly on replay, never stopping to let me catch my breath or truly comprehend all that had happened. With each passing second, a new part of the memory would appear, adding on to where it had ended and taking me all the way back to the beginning.

It was the type of memory that I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to remember. It was filled with feelings that felt surreal, feelings that I most certainly thought I would never feel again.

Despite my hesitation to remember everything about it, especially those feelings, I knew that I couldn’t keep myself from remembering it. The memories would come in and out like the tide of the ocean, some of the memories lulling me to sleep as the foamy waves washed upon the sand. Others would make me feel as if I were tied to an anchor and then dropped into the darkened waters, forced to remember the past no matter how much pain I felt.

This was the memory that haunted me every day; it made me wish I could reach out with my fingertips and touch those feelings again. It didn’t matter how badly it all hurt, because I often reveled in the pain. Those feelings had a funny way of making the past seem bright and the future a dismal gray. That was okay. I wanted to wrap myself in the memories and be swept away to the days where the darkness was the time that I lived for.

I missed everything about those days, but what I missed the most was him. I wish I would have realized then that the life I had found myself imagining with him could never happen. He moved in the types of circles that left girls like me behind, scraping and clawing to find my way through the hidden door. His eyes were the kind that sucked a girl in and left her hanging, wondering if he was anything more than just a heartbreaker. He had the body and the laugh and the touch that caused her head to spin at a thousand miles per hour, only allowing her to stop when he wanted her to.

Above everything else, he had a certain way of making a girl feel special. He took his time to make her feel as if she was the only one in the room, the only one worthy of his attention. It may have seemed like so much more, but in the end, it was just another part of his game. He really was the kind who could charm his way into the bedroom.

I could blame the past events on him. He was trouble, it was expected of him. But the truth was, he wasn’t the only troubled soul in this stupid building. We all lived life with far too many skeletons hanging in our closets amongst that would destroy everything if they came toppling out.

Despite all of the bad, he had showed me what life was. It wasn’t always about being on the outside of the pages, reading about knights and princesses. It certainly wasn’t about sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake that never rocked. Life was about danger, about excitement. It was about mistakes and romance and learning to mend broken hearts.

He showed me the difference between lust and love.

When the waters got rough, he was right there. He always wore the same lopsided grin that pricked my heart with a thousand needles. His hand in mine helped to ease the uncertainty that pumped through my veins. Always ready to test the waters, he showed me that sometimes it was worth it to jump in feet first.

I didn’t even know it, but we had traveled right into the center of the storm in a dinky little rowboat with broken paddles.

When the water tossed us overboard, he went away. He ran with his tail between his legs, seeking out the comfort of knowing that I didn’t need his help because I could swim. He finally saw the person I truly was beneath the ridiculous life vest and red lipstick. When he understood that I was a girl who wanted so desperately to fix the wrongs she had made without thinking of him, he didn’t even look mad. He looked as if he should’ve seen it coming, as if the girl who was standing before him was way too good to be true.

That was what happened when the truth came out. When all of my secrets came tumbling out of the closet, breaking apart at the tips of my toes in front of the whole world, I saw that look in all of their eyes. It became apparent to everyone that the Adrienne Mathers before them wasn’t the girl she pretended to be. They looked at me as if I was living a lie.

To them, lies were worthy of punishment far beyond my wildest imagination.

In the midst of it all, I had lost myself. Somewhere in between all of the sneaking around, I had confused myself with the girl I pretended to be. I had forgotten who I was, who I really wanted to be. I wasn’t even sure if there was any middle ground between the three. I just wished I could conjure up a girl who shared pieces of all the identities.

Because I had allowed myself to forget about the consequences and to lose myself along the way, I was left with absolutely no one. For the first time since the beginning of it all, I was completely and utterly alone. The people I had grown up with wanted nothing to do with me, unsure of the girl who stood before them. The friends I had made in my nightly adventures were calling me a traitor and the boy I felt so much for couldn’t wait to watch me drown.

As I sat in the empty apartment, one leg hanging out over the windowsill and a cigarette clutched between my fingers, I watched the smoke curl up in front of my face. The city lights down below twinkled in the darkness, casting yellows, oranges, and pinks across my bare skin. I could hear them below: angry drivers laying on their horns, the laughter of teenagers wafting up through the alley. I leaned my head back against the window frame and inhaled another lungful of smoke. I closed my eyes as I clenched my stomach, letting it burn as the smoke fought to be released. After a moment, I let it fall from my mouth, the wisps slowly climbing through the air and out the window where they lingered.

I didn’t know what would happen to my life now, but as I let myself comb back through the memories once more, I realized I didn’t care. If he had taught me any lesson in our time together, it was that trouble comes to those who look for it.

I found myself smiling as I thought of all the trouble we had gotten into that summer. It was chaos, but, boy, was it fun.

As I rolled my head to the left, opening my eyes into the lights of the city, I stretched my arm out over the alley and looked at the burning tip of my cigarette. Without looking to see if there was anyone down there lurking in the shadows, I let the cigarette fall.

The burning tip was the last thing I saw as it began its descent towards the ground. It fell, end over end, until it disappeared from view. As I searched for my crumpled pack of Marlboros in the dark, I knew exactly what I wanted.

And the only way to get it was to find him.

Even if it meant an entire lifetime of fighting the unsteadiest of waters.