Bad Enough for You (Currently Editing)

You Stole All of My Condoms

If I had been a good girl this summer, I would’ve spent the days curled up in my favorite armchair in the sitting room of our house that was completely done up with floor to ceiling glass windows. I would’ve opened all of the blinds so that the sun streamed through the glass, dancing in blues and greens against the hardwood floor. With a mug of tea, steam curling up from the liquid, the string of the bag hanging over the edge, I would have sat there all day, sipping tea and getting lost in a world that was far more exciting than my own.

When I look at how I actually spent my summer, however, I was happy I had taken all of those risks. People probably wouldn’t understand why Georgia had been so insistent that I take a chance all those weeks ago. They probably would have looked at her as a bad influence, as someone who was out to put me into a bad spot. While in general, sending me off to a place that promoted underage drinking, casual sex, and drugs was probably the last thing any sibling would want their sister to experience,  I was grateful to Georgia for this experience.

I still didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do with my future, but I was now more aware of what I didn’t want. While I had always found literature pleasurable, I certainly didn’t want to spend the rest of my life analyzing it. I didn’t care about foreshadowing or symbolism or allegories. I just liked to read to escape the life I lived.

This summer, I didn’t need books to escape. Sure, I found my escape in mostly illegal ways, but I was okay with that. This wasn’t me saying that I didn’t want to go to college because I wanted to be a drug dealer, but it was me saying that these experiences had showed me a lot. I learned that in a small amount of time, people can become comfortable enough that they can share with you the most private, most damaged parts of them. I found that letting loose wasn’t something to frown upon all the time. I also realized that time apart can ruin a relationship, while time spent with someone else can cause another one to blossom.

I think I knew for a while that Blaine and I were over. The time that we had spent apart this summer had ruined us. It wasn’t even necessarily the fact that we hadn’t seen much of each other. I can honestly say that we most likely grew apart. When you’re growing up, you experience so much that you forget that everything you once thought was possible, like first loves lasting forever, are actually impossible. Just like you realize in that time that things you thought were impossible, like falling for another boy, was completely possible.

For the longest time, I had believed that Blaine was God’s gift to me. He was the type of boy who deserved a girl who was going to fall so head over heels for him that they’d most likely drown in their love for one another. Blaine had a sweetness, something that seemed so rare in boys nowadays. I wasn’t sure if Blaine knew who he was, but he had a good grip on reality and more importantly, how to treat a girl.

What went wrong between us was that Blaine and I were both incredibly selfish. When we were together constantly, it was always apparent that we had to care about the other. When Blaine started going off with his father, or wherever he was actually going, we fell back into that selfishness that we both possessed. I could honestly say that I had forgotten about Blaine when I went to the apartments. He wasn’t important there.

It was becoming clearer with each passing day that Blaine and I were both unhappy in this relationship. When I stopped answering his phone calls and he eventually stopped calling, it was obvious that whatever Blaine and I had once had was gone. I couldn’t explain why we were continuously holding onto this relationship that while it might have pleased our parents, it definitely wasn’t pleasing either of us.

The worst part about it, was that this whole thing hurt worse than I could ever possibly describe. I didn’t understand why we were still clinging onto something that no longer existed. I kept trying to tell myself that I loved him, that he was important to me. Deep down, that wasn’t the case. I had watched our relationship blossom like a rose, which looked incredibly beautiful while it was in bloom. When the petals began to fall and it slowly began to dry out, there was nothing left but pain and memories of something that had once been breathtakingly beautiful.