Pleasurable Expectations

t h i r t y - s e v e n

I was nursing a drink at the bar as I pushed one of my AirPods deeper into my ear. My phone was in front of me as I looked at Adrienne's face through my screen. I could feel her sympathy radiating through the phone as I filled her in on the events of the last couple of nights. She didn't interrupt or tell me how sorry she was, but the gradual drop in her expression was all I needed to know how she was feeling.

"Wow Kiki, I don't even know where to start," Adrienne said once I finished my piece. "To me, it's obvious that something isn't right, and based on the fact that we're even having the conversation in the first place, you know that."

"Now what is that supposed to mean?" I took a swig of my drink.

"We don't need to pretend like you don't know what that means," she said as she fixed me with a look. "When's the last time you told me details about one of your relationships?"

I took in Adrienne's raised brows, a small purse on her lips. If there's one thing everyone knew about me, it's that my relationship is none of their business. Which also means that when I make it their business, they're gonna know that something's really up.

I avoided Adrienne's eyes as I responded, "So it might've been when we shared a boyfriend, but that's not the point here. The point is, I don't know what to do about this."

"Well, what are you thinking?" Adrienne probed. "I know that mind of yours thought something up."

I sighed. "Part of me wants to stop acting this way 'cause it's like I don't even know what the lie is yet. So I feel like I could be blowing this all out of proportion because I haven't even given him the chance to explain yet. He offered and I just... blew him off."

I shook my head at myself as I took another sip of my drink. The naïve possibility that it's not even that bad kept circling back to the forefront of my mind. Maybe because I didn't want to accept that he was lying, maybe because I'm partly to blame for why our relationship the way it is right now, or maybe just because I missed him.

"What's the other part want?" Adrienne asked.

"The truth," I said as I chuckled into my glass. "The other part wants to stand my ground until I'm told the truth."

"It really sounds like you're at war with yourself right now, Kiki," Adrienne said as her lips smacked together.

"Yes, which is why you're here. Help me," I whined.

"I think you should stand your ground," she plainly stated. "If you let the fact that you miss him get in the way and you choose to ignore it, you're just gonna keep ignoring it for as long as you can. It'd be better in the long run to address it now so you can figure out what you're gonna do."

I ordered another drink—one I absolutely didn't need—as I considered what Adrienne said. That part of me that wanted to drop everything hoped that someone would tell me I was wrong, that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to continue on like nothing happened. But she wasn't the first person to tell me that something was up, and I knew she wasn't gonna be the last.

Adrienne tentatively continued, "Besides, a relationship is nothing without open communication and trust..."

"And we don't have either of those right now," I finished for her. I stared into my glass as the realization dawned on me I have to accept that the situation is worse than I want it to be, and no amount of overthinking was gonna change that.

"Do you remember what you said to me, though?" Adrienne asked, optimism in her tone.

"Do you know how often I talk to you?" I countered with a quirked eyebrow.