Shadow Killer

Thirty One

I rock slowly back on forth on the balls of my feet, the faint crunching of gravel filling the silent air. My hands were clasped tightly in front of me, the black gloves hiding my hands from the world. I stare out at the lake, refusing to blink, knowing that if I did, then the tears would come. And once the tears came, there was little I could do to stop them.

I had seen a lot of death in my life. Far more than anybody should ever see. The idea of death was something I never cared to think too much about. Not thinking about it had made my life easier. But my days as an assassin were over. I had put all of those notions behind me. However, letting go of my detachment to death was something I was never sure I could ever do.

Till now.

I thought it wasn't possible for me to care about anyone or anything. I always thought I never had the capabilities for such emotion. But the day we lost five years ago proved me wrong. Everyone who I had come to know and care about in some form had died. Thanos snapped them away like their lives meant nothing.

I cared a lot. Unfortunately, many of those who I cared about were gone. Tyrone and Jamal. They were gone. I never got to tell them how much I cared about them. One minute we were laughing as a three, the next, I was standing there by myself. Alone. They were the first people who I brought into my life by my own choice and not because of the life I had been brought into. They had taught me so much, even though they didn't know it. I never even got a chance to thank them for being there and choosing to stand by my side from the first time we met.

I cared about Bucky too. Our shared pain and trauma brought us close. Neither of us would ever be the same after what HYDRA did to us. It was a bond that could never be broken. I cared about Steve, T'Challa, and Shuri. I cared about Wanda and Sam, and Clint. I cared about Natasha and Tony too, but now neither of them were here too. They sacrificed their lives to save everyone.

I had seen a lot of death, but these most recent deaths filled me with pain. I guess that's because now I was affected by their loss. I was on the receiving end of losing someone rather than on the delivery side. It hurt. It brought me pain that I didn't know. This was a pain inside that hurt far more than when everyone was snapped away five years ago. I could only guess it was because I knew that this time they would never be coming back. It hurt so much because I knew they cared. They didn't just care about themselves or us, but they cared about everyone beyond their own lives. I think that was why their deaths were so painful for me. It wasn't a sharp ache or something burning. It was dull and almost unnoticeable. But it was there. A constant reminder of who we lost. Who I lost.

Sympathy. I have never been sympathetic in my entire life, even after being freed of HYDRA's control. I never cared, felt guilty, or regretted any of the death and anguish I have caused. But standing here, with the gentle breeze brushing the wind out of my eyes, I felt sympathy. Probably not on the same level as someone else, but losing Jamal and Tyrone seemed to have opened my eyes, even though it sounds cliche.

A creaking of a door opening pulls me out of my mind, and I, along with everyone else, look up. Pepper Potts, Tony's wife, led the small group from inside the house down to the pier that jutted out into the lake. Next to Pepper Potts walked Morgan, who looks lost, her eyes wide as she looks around before her eyes fall on the ground before her.

The pair walked forward, several others following her down. Pepper stands at the end of the pier, crouching down and placing a wreath of flowers on the water. With a gentle nudge, guided by the breeze, the wreath of flowers sailed outwards. In the centre of the flowers, a metal object sat. I barely recognised it at first, but before it could float too far off to be unseeable, it dawned on me that it was Tony Starks arc reactor.