My Depp Diary

🤰👼Mo' Preggers, Mo' Problems 👨‍🍼🤪

Dear Diary,

I'm currently five months pregnant and any women who's ever been pregnant knows how I feel. And to all the women who have never been pregnant a word of advice... DON'T DO IT! Seriously! Become a nun if you have to! Don't be like me! Don't fall in love with a sweet, cuddly angel of a man, because once you do that you wanna have sex with him and you end up pregnant! And pregnancy equals misery! I cannot stress that enough!

My back hurts like hell! I got heartburn and acid reflex! None of my clothes or shoes fit anymore! I can't sleep because everytime I lie down, the position I'm in has to be pre-approved by the baby! I got hemorrhoids that burn like someone shoved a ghost pepper up my ass! I've stopped shaving my private parts and legs because I can't even see them anymore! And just yesterday, I sneezed and pissed my pants!

Some women walk up to me and put their hands on my baby bump and tell me I have a healthy glow! That I am so lucky and blessed! Biggest load of bullshit I ever heard! I don't feel blessed at all, I feel like I'm about to kill myself!

And Johnny... Oh! Johnny's a whole other set of problems! My Baby Daddy's lost his damn mind!

We were staying in Johnny's Los Angeles Penthouse at the time. I came down the stairs one day and was surprised to see a bunch of empty boxes by the door. As I walked into the living room, I saw a new bed was set up in the living room. A bed with a side rails...

"Johnny!" I called.

He came walking out of the kitchen. "G'morning beautiful" he kissed my cheek.

"What's with the bed?" I asked him.

"It's for you" Johnny explained. "I don't want you walking up and down those stairs anymore. It's dangerous, you could trip and fall."

"Johnny, I walk up and down those steps probably a dozen time a day" I told him. "What makes you think I can't do it now?"

"I know you can, I didn't say you couldn't" Johnny said. "It's just a precaution." He stroked my baby bump. "We're getting close now, I want to make sure nothing happens to mess it up." He walked towards the bed and slid the side rails down. "Try it out! See if it's comfortable."

I sighed and laid down on the bed, Johnny put the side rails back in place and covered me up with the comforter.

"Do you like it?" He asked.

"It's nice" I nodded, frowning.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Hm? Nothing" I lied.

"Don't give me that" he said. "What's wrong? ...Are you hungry? Do you want some breakfast?"

"Sure" I nodded, getting up.

Johnny stopped me. "No, it's alright! I can do it" he said. He walked over to the coffee table. "Here's the remote, watch something on TV while I make it."

"Okay..." I shrugged.

I flipped on the TV and settled on the film The Thin Man. If Nick and Nora Charles weren't couple goals, I don't know who is!

"Here you go, gorgeous" Johnny returned with a glass and a straw.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Anmum Materna" he answered.

"You speak Latin now too?" I quipped.

"It's a doctor recommended maternal milk" Johnny explained. "It'll help to support your nutritional needs during your pregnancy."