Our Nanny is a Boy || bxb

49. Pretty things

On Thursday, Peter picked up Felicia from school. They didn't really talk on their way to the cemetery. Felicia turned on the radio, humming along to a few songs she knew while Peter was just mentally preparing himself for the talk. Soon, they arrived and Peter parked his car. He got out, but Felicia didn't. He walked over to her side and opened the door. 'Aren't you coming?'

'I-I don't know...' Felicia mumbled, staring at the rows of tomb stones in front of her. Peter squatted and took her hand in his. 'Are you scared, my little butterfly?'

Felicia was hesitant. 'I-I don't know,' she said again. 'I suddenly remembered... when we were here, last time.'

Last time... that was at Leah's burial. Seeing someone you love sink into the skin of earth, it was traumatizing, especially for a young child. It's the moment when you realize they are not coming back, ever. It was also the last time Felicia cried, until Robin came in their life.

'If you want to go home, that's okay too,' Peter said, smiling at her reassuringly. 'We can try again later.'

'No,' she said. 'I'm not a coward like you, daddy.'

Peter felt seriously offended by that, but he took her hand in his and smiled. 'Okay. Take your time.'

Felicia closed her eyes, took a deep breath and opened her eyes again. 'I'm okay,' she said quietly. 'Let's go.'

Peter held her hand as they walked through the paths towards Leah's grave. Felicia looked at all the stones, calculating ages in her head. 'Wow, that women turned a hundred years old. And that man died on his 89th birthday... Look, that boy was only 19, that's younger than Robin.'

Peter really didn't want to think about that, so he was glad when they arrived. Now Felicia was silent. She took in every single detail. 'It's a nice stone,' she finally said. 'Mommy would like it.'

'She would, right?' Peter agreed, looking at the flower bed in the ground. 'She always loved pretty things. Flowers, clothes, butterflies... but especially you and David. To her, you two were the prettiest things she had ever seen, she always said that.'

'Not even you?' Felicia said.

'Look at me, I'm not pretty!' Peter said. 'I'm just a weird, 26 year old crybaby teaching highschool kids.'

'But you are a pretty 26-year old crybaby teaching highschool kids,' Felicia insisted. 'Oh, and you're also a dad.'

'I am. And you know, of all these things that I am, this is by far the most important one.' Peter squatted so that he could talk to her on eye level, putting his hands on her shoulder. 'Felicia, daddy is sorry.'

'Sorry for what?' Felicia asked, tilting her head.

'I am sorry that I never took you here before, and I am sorry for never talking with you about mommy. I found it hard to move on, I lost someone I loved a lot, but in the process I forgot that my other loved ones were suffering as well and needed me. I wish I had been there for you more, but I'm too late already.'

'No, you're not,' Felicia said. 'I understand. I did want to talk about mommy, but it hurt too. Thinking about mommy just makes me very sad. But now, I can handle it.' Her eyes were tearing up a bit and Peter cupped her cheeks. 'You're my brave little girl, and I'm so proud of everything you can do. But you're also just a child. So don't grow up too fast. Play when you want to, cry when you want to, and if you want to talk about mommy with me, just say so. I can also handle it now.'

Felicia nodded and sniffed softly. Then, the sniffles turned into sobs as Felicia started crying for real, loudly and snottily. 'I miss mommy... so much!'

Peter felt a sharp sting in his heart and his own eyes were watering as well. To prevent Felicia from seeing it, he pulled her in his arms and hugged her, softly rubbing her back. 'I know, my little butterfly. I know.'

____________________________________

So this is the chapter where I got my writer's block on. Like I said, it's not even that hard. I just blacked out for 1,5 years over a stupid conversation. Heh.

I'm satisfied with the result now. It brought a few tears to my eyes. I literally can't imagine losing my mom, and at the age of four... I'm just really glad that my mom is still here with me.

Stuck with me, actually. We both have covid, oop- We're okay though. Just a bit tired and I cough sometimes. Will have to figure out how that works with tests, because I have an important admission test this Thursday :/

I just realized I haven't caught up with music lately. So I'm gonna check out a few new MV's. I'm currently listening to this one since it's Treasure, and Treasure never disappoints. And I'm right. Their songs are such a vibe, make you feel poweful