Red in my Ledger

Chapter Five

TW: sexual assault

YEAR: 2014

The Winter Soldier took me back to the Hydra base, where I recognised many of the agents. But I wasn't exactly welcomed back with open arms.
We were separated almost immediately, as he was taken to be locked up somewhere.
I was told to wait in a room, alone.
I did as they said because I knew there would be consequences if I didn't.
Someone finally came in.
"Y/n. I heard you were here. Had to come see for myself."
'Fuck' I thought as I looked up at Rumlow.

YEAR: 2001
DATE: September 30th

"Y/n" Dreykov greeted me as I stepped into his office. "Happy birthday."
I was 10.
I nodded gratefully.
"I understand your current number is... 99?"
"Yes."
"Right. I got you a present."
I followed Dreykov through the halls of the Red Room until we came to a room I was very familiar with. I called it the assassination room. It's where the girls would commonly take their first shot at someone. And many kills after that.
Sure enough, there was someone inside, simply waiting for death.
"Number one hundred" Dreykov smiled, handing me a gun.
I smiled weakly at him as I took it.
I aimed between the unconscious man's eyes, and I hesitated.
"Is everything okay?" Dreykov asked.
I shot the gun, hoping that would answer his question.
"Anything else?" I wondered as I gave the gun back to him.
"That's all for now. But you are going to Hydra again tonight, so make sure the things you want to bring are ready."
I nodded, and went to the training room.
There was no one in there, as I presume they were all still in classes.
I had graduated from all of mine, so Dreykov allowed me to do what I wanted during the day.
I practiced hitting a punching bag, until it broke.
I sighed and moved onto the next one.
As I did so, Natasha and Yelena walked in.
"Y/n!" Nat exclaimed and gave me a hug. "Happy birthday!"
"Happy birthday y/n" Yelena mumbled too.
"I got you a present" Nat smiled, and handed me a bracelet.
I frowned as I took it.
"Is this the one I gave you?"
"No. See" she pulled up her sleeve to show her own bracelet on her wrist. "I made it just like you did, so they would be matching."
"Thank you" I smiled half-heartedly.
—
Natasha was sixteen years old, and you were only ten, yet you were a better assassin already. But Natasha did not envy you, she pitied you.
You never expressed emotions anymore - she honestly wasn't sure if you even felt them at this point. You never cared about having fun. You cared about getting the job done.
The only thing you did was kill. And now, you had killed a total of one hundred people.
Nat wished you had gotten a childhood, and felt sorry for you.
—
I didn't show my emotions. That's a sign of weakness. Dreykov told me so.
So as Natasha tied the bracelet around my wrist I only gave a small smile to show my appreciation.
I repressed my feelings again and turned back to the punching bag.
"Y/n, we made a cake" Yelena said.
"I'm okay, thanks."
"Come on y/n, it's your birthday."
I sighed and agreed to have a bit.
Nat and Yelena held my hands as we returned to my room, where there was a plate with a pile of chocolate crumbs barely holding together.
"Thank you guys" I said, as I sat down on the bed with them.
We sat in silence eating for a while, until I decided to mention that I was leaving again.
"Dreykov said I'm going back to Hydra tonight."
"What? Did he say why?" Natasha asked.
"No. It's probably just for more training."
"How long will you be gone for?"
"I don't know."
Natasha didn't say anything more, and we sat in silence for a few more minutes.
Suddenly Natasha decided to get up and leave without an explanation.
I looked at Yelena, confused.
"Should we go after her?" she asked.
"I don't- in a minute."
I scraped some icing off the plate and licked my finger. It looked bad but it tasted nice. I told Yelena that.
"We should probably go and find her now" I suggested. I couldn't think of anything to make conversation about whenever I was alone with Yelena.
So, we got up and looked for Nat.
We heard her in Dreykov's office, but we didn't go in.
We waited outside, listening in.
"Please" Natasha begged. "Please don't take her again. Take me instead."
"But they want her" Dreykov argued. "Not you."
"She's ten! You can't do this!"
"Natasha nothing you say will change this. Now go back to your room and tell y/n to come here."
"Please..."
We heard the sound of a slap, and Natasha winced.
Yelena was standing next to me, glaring at me. I looked at my feet guiltily.
"This is all your fault" she spat.
I wanted to apologise, but actually I didn't. I had done nothing wrong. How was this my fault?
Nat opened the door, and I saw that her cheek was burning red.
"I'm sorry y/n" Nat said tearfully.
I looked between her, and Yelena who was still mad.
"I should go" I frowned, and ran off back to my room.
I quickly packed a bag with some clothes and books, then returned to Dreykov's office.
The Hydra agents had arrived.
"Ah! There you are" Dreykov smiled when he saw me standing in the doorway. "Are you ready?"
I nodded.
"Good. There's one more thing before you go. Come here."
I slowly approached his desk, and he took one of my hands in both of his.
"You will go with Hydra. You will assist on missions, joined by the Winter Soldier. You will be the Winter Widow. That is now your code name. Okay?"
I nodded again.
Dreykov opened a desk drawer and pulled out a pistol. It was white, with the words "Winter Widow" written in black. It had both the symbol of the Red Room and Hydra on each side.
"Happy birthday" he said as he handed it to me.
"Thank you" I took it and put it in my bag.
"Goodbye y/n" he said.
I gave a small wave, then I was escorted out by the men.
———
At the Hydra base, I had become familiar with the way to my room, so I went there on my own.
I was joined shortly by an agent.
"Hi" he said, leaning against my doorframe.
"Hello" I greeted plainly.
"You're y/n right?"
"And you are?"
"Agent Rumlow. Isn't it your birthday?"
"Yes."
"Nice. Have you done anything to celebrate?"
"No."
"Would you like to?"
"What do you mean?"
"I could show you a good time."
I still didn't know what he meant, so I declined. "... no thank you."
"Come on. You should celebrate somehow" he got closer to me.
"I-"
"No don't talk. I'll show you" he smirked, and started to undress me.

YEAR: 2014

"Hello y/n" Rumlow grinned.
I did not say anything in reply.
"Just like old times?" he asked, locking the door behind him.
I was older now. I could fight him. Easily. I couldn't see a weapon on him. Things had changed since the last few times. I had the chance to stop him.
I stood up straight in front of him.
"No" I shook my head.
"You don't get to make that decision" he smirked.
"Don't touch me I swear to god-"
He put his hand on my arm teasingly, and I started to fight him.
I almost had him to the ground, when he pulled something out of his pocket and stabbed me in the arm with it.
I suddenly felt drowsy, and my eyes started to droop shut.
"Shit" I muttered, just before I collapsed and my head hit the floor.
———
When I woke up, Rumlow was gone, but I still felt him all over me.
I sat up and stared at the stains he left on my clothing.
I leant back against the wall, covering my face with my hands.
I felt like crap.