Red in my Ledger

Chapter Forty-Four

TW: sexual assault

I woke up. I immediately realised I couldn't move.
I was tied down to a hard, uncomfortable surface, a table of some sort.
Restraints holding my wrists, ankles, across my chest - typical sort of thing.
I could lift my head enough to look around the room.
I slammed it back down on the table when I saw him.
"I thought you were dead."
"I won't go that easy" Rumlow chuckled from his seat next to me.
"You look like shit."
"I think I look quite good all things considered."
"What do you want?"
"I want what everyone wants. Power."
"What has that got to do with me?"
"Well you're only one of the world's greatest assassins."
"I don't do that anymore."
"You think I care?"
"I'm not going to help you."
"You will."
I rolled my head to look away from him. Then I thought about something.
"Where's Bucky?"
There was no response, so I looked over at Rumlow again. I didn't let him see that his smug grin bothered me.
"Where is he?" I asked again.
"Don't worry. We've got him."
"I want to see him."
"He's safe."
"Take me to see him."
"Oh, you don't get to make demands, sweetheart."
"Please."
"... Okay."
Did he seriously just agree? There had to be a...
"But..."
There it was.
"You need to do something for me first."
"And what's that?"
Rumlow leaned forward in his chair so his face was close to mine. I could feel his nasty breath on my skin, but it's not like I could move away.
"I know you know the code words to control the Winter Soldier. And I need you to tell me what they are."
"No. I'm not doing that."
"If you want to go see him..."
"No!"
Rumlow took a deep breath, and sat back in his chair once again.
He didn't say anything, so I turned away again.
I stared up at the ceiling, desperately hoping the tears wouldn't fall from my eyes. I didn't want Rumlow to see that.
Rumlow was stroking his jaw thoughtfully, in silence for a minute.
Then he smirked slightly and stood up next to the table. He leant over me and brushed hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear.
"If you're not going to tell me, I suppose there's nothing much I can do" he smiled. "So we'll just move on."
I gulped nervously. I didn't know what he was going to do.
"I think it's time for our... annual celebration."
Then I remembered. I knew exactly what he about to do.
He saw the new depth of worry come across my face.
"Oh, you didn't possibly think I would forget about your birthday, did you?" he grinned teasingly. "It's an important day. A lot to celebrate."
"Don't fucking touch me" I hissed; my eyes followed him as he walked around the table.
He maintained eye contact as he climbed onto the table, hovering over me.
I could do nothing.
"Get off" I muttered, trying not to cry. I clenched my teeth together to avoid bursting out with sobs.
Rumlow had his hand next to my head, pushing himself up, holding his body over mine. His other hand placed down on my thigh, it moved up, and he lifted my dress.
I struggled; I wriggled my arms but my wrists stayed tied down. I turned my head so my ear was pressed against the table.
Rumlow lowered himself on top of me, sitting on my legs.
He grabbed my face with his hand and forcefully turned my head back to face him.
He found amusement in my tears, grinning widely at my show of weakness.
"Don't cry sweetheart. Enjoy it."
He started to move around.
I couldn't help gaping open my mouth, moaning as he got more aggressive.
"No" I groaned. "Get off!"
I tried to kick out my legs. My ankles wouldn't move.
"Get the fuck off me!" I screamed.
His hand was still on my face - his grip got stronger, tighter on my cheeks. I gasped with pain, and his face got close to mine.
"Shut up before I make you" he hissed. Before I could scream again, he crashed his lips down onto mine, forcing his tongue through my mouth.
I tried to bite him.
I caught his bottom lip. I chewed down on the skin and ripped it off as he pulled away.
He touched it with his hand, and saw a small drop of blood.
"Bitch!" he yelled, and forced a fist down on my face.
He punched again. And again.
—
He kept hitting you over and over. Your nose started to bleed, spilling down your face.
He hit you until your eyes shut.
Then he carried on with what he was doing to you.
———
You awoke again screaming.
A burning sensation consumed your entire body.
It stopped for a moment. You opened your eyes to face Rumlow, grinning widely, enjoying seeing you like this. He pressed a button, and it happened again.
You screamed deafeningly as the pain overwhelmed you for a minute more.
When it stopped again, Rumlow walked over to stand by your head and he started to stroke his fingers through your hair.
"Please let me go" you sobbed.
Rumlow stopped grinning. He pulled a baton from behind his back and extended it. He raised it into the air then slammed it down across your stomach.
You banged your head back against the table and cried out.
"You've changed y/n" he frowned, then leaned closer to speak quietly in your ear. "You're weak" he spat.
He stood and hit you with the baton again.
"NO!" you screamed.
Again.
"STOP!"
Repeatedly.
"Please" you whimpered, resting your head on the table again, wincing at every touch.
You continued to sob, even after he had stopped.
Some more people entered the room and you watched them with teary eyes.
They pulled out a needle.
"W-what are you doing?" you asked. "What are you doing?!" your voice rose. "No! No! Get away from me!"
Even though you knew it was useless, you tried to wriggle free. You struggled against the ties that firmly held you done.
You didn't give up, even while they approached you with the needle and pressed the point against your arm.
"Get off! NO!"
You screamed as they pushed it into your skin.
The prick didn't hurt, but whatever serum they had just injected into your blood was doing... something.
Something that hurt a shit ton.
You saw a second needle.
You kept screaming, begging for them to stop.
Your throat felt sore but you kept crying out. No one was going to listen to you. But the pain still provoked you.
Four needles.
Each one equally awful.
The others filed out the room, leaving just Rumlow standing and staring down at you.
"What did you do to me?" you cried.
"You don't get to know that" he chuckled. "Unless, of course, you tell me the code words to control the Soldier."
"I will never tell you anything. I am never going to help you."
Rumlow slapped you across the face.
"Tell me!" he demanded.
You held back your tears for a moment to stare into his eyes.
"Just kill me already."
Rumlow cried out with annoyance, took his baton, and hit you across the stomach again.
You dug your fingernails into your palm and gritted your teeth to try and bare it. You couldn't. You screamed for what felt like the hundredth time as Rumlow viciously attacked you. But you were helpless.

Bucky could hear everything.
But he could do nothing.