Red in my Ledger

Chapter Forty-One

One of the gifts I had been given earlier in the day was a bottle of tequila.
I had finished it before I even left my room.
I had insisted on getting ready alone, rather than with Yelena and Natasha as I did before.
I wore the red dress that Yelena had bought me.
Natasha had found me some concealer that I used to completely cover the tattoo and the fading scars on my body. I didn't really care about them anymore, but its not like I wanted them on show at the party.
I left my hair down, brushed straight down my back.
I wore my mother's necklace, the one Tony had gotten me. I was lucky it went with this dress.
I put on a pair of heels, then finished my outfit with gold hoop earrings.
I was ready for the party.
I could hear it from my room.
I wished I had another bottle of tequila.
But there would be alcohol at the party. So I went.
There was so many people, I couldn't immediately spot the others.
Perfect.
I could sneak over to the bar and start drinking before I had to make conversation with anyone.
I managed to do just that.
But unfortunately I hadn't even finished my first glass when I saw Bucky walking towards the bar.
With Sharon.
They sat to my right, but Bucky had his back facing me.
He was ignoring me.
I downed my drink, then ordered another.
The bartender began to make it.
Bucky turned in his chair to face the bar, and he watched the bartender make my drink, then hand it to me.
His head was looking forward, but I could, out the corner of my eye, see that he was glancing over at me.
I took a sip of my drink, staring straight ahead.
The bartender went to stand opposite Sharon as she told him what he wanted.
At that point, Bucky turned more towards me.
"Y/n, you look-"
I didn't give him the chance to finish as I stood up and immediately walked off without looking back.
I did not want to speak to him.
When I couldn't see the others, I was glad I had picked up my glass to keep me company as I hovered by the side of the room.
For some reason, I just could not take my eyes off him.
Laughing and flirting with her.
As if I was invisible.
As if we never even happened.
But you know what, it doesn't matter.
I coule just forget about him.
He doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
I'll just stop-
"Y/n!"
"God! Tony, you can't just sneak up on people like that!" I complained.
"I didn't sneak up on you" he laughed. "I slowly approached you from the front and called your name two or three times before you answered."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"Wanna leave yet?"
"Nope. You did a really nice thing, Tony, throwing this party for me, so I'm gonna stick it out."
"Y/n I don't care about the party. I care about you. If you're not having fun, then you and I, we'll go sit in your room right now."
"Thanks. But really, I'm fine. I just need more alcohol" I laughed and gestured my empty glass at him.
"Allow me" he offered and walked off.
I watched him order my drink, then talk to Bucky until he got the drink and brought it back over to me.
"Here."
"Thanks..." I took a sip. "So, um, what were you talking to Barnes about?"
"Oh I asked him if he was having a good time."
"Hm."
I looked over at Bucky as I drank my drink.
He probably was. With her. Probably having the best time.
"Was he?"
"What?"
"Was he having a good time? I mean, did he say if he is?"
"He said he was alright. But he said it in the kinda way like you're the host so I'm gonna lie for your benefit."
"So you don't think he's having fun?"
"I don't know. Didn't really look like it. But I've hardly ever seen Barnes happy about something so its hard to tell."
I smiled a little.
I found comfort in the fact that maybe Bucky was at least half as miserable as I was.
I looked over at the bar.
My smile morphed into a disappointed frown when I saw Bucky grinning at Sharon, taking her hand and leading them away into the crowd.
I downed the rest of my drink and Tony laughed at me.
"I understand you're not thrilled about this party thing, but alcohol isn't the answer."
"No... no, you're right... its the question and the answer is yes. I'm going to get another drink."
I walked away from Tony and returned to the bar once again, but I did not sit down.
"Hi... sir... excuse me... yeah, hi. Could I possibly have one... small... bottle of vodka... please?"
"I can't just give you the bottle" the bartender frowned.
"Why not?" I whined. "Its my birthday... please!"
"... its really your birthday?"
"Yeah! This... this is my party. I promise you I'm not lying, I just... I neeeeed that bottle."
"Fine."
"Oh my god, you're the best!"
He handed me the bottle and I turned to find somewhere to drink it.
My eyes immediately somehow managed to find him again. He was dancing closely with Sharon.
I looked back over my shoulder to face the bartender.
"Can I have a second? Like a backup?"
He folded his arms and shook his head slightly.
"No? Okay... I'll be back."
I took the lid of the bottle and started drinking as I walked.
"Sorry, excuse me" I muttered as I pushed through the crowd. "Sorry... oh hey guys" I grinned when I saw that I had stumbled between Natasha, Yelena, Steve and Clint.
"Wow, y/n, you look beautiful" Clint commented.
"So do you" I giggled and drank some more.
"You really do" Natasha agreed. "But I have to ask, how much have you had to drink?" She was eyeing the bottle in my hand.
"Oh just like... a couple bottles."
"Its been half an hour."
"So?"
"So thats a lot in half an hour."
"I was thirsty" I shrugged and held the bottle up to my lips.
Natasha grabbed it and pulled it away, and a little dribbled down my dress.
"Nooo. What are you doing?" I moaned. "I need that."
"Alcohol is not the solution to everything y/n" Steve said.
"Actually. I had this conversation with Tony. It is in fact the solution."
"Solution to what problem?" Clint asked.
I briefly let my eyes wander until I saw him again, then quickly looked back.
"Sobriety."
The four of them seemed unimpressed.
"Are you gonna give me that back?" I asked Nat.
"Nope."
"I'll just go get some more from the bar."
"I'll follow you."
"Fuck you."
"Woah, language!" Steve argued.
"I'm gonna... I'm gonna dance then."
None of the others said anything.
"Okay. I'm gonna..." I trailed off. I looked at each of them. Natasha last.
I grabbed the bottle and sprinted.
I giggled as I heard footsteps following me, and smirked to myself when the sound of the music finally drowned them out when I lost them.
I kept walking and drinking until I accidentally bumped into someone.
"Oh, sorry" I laughed and brushed off my dress, then looked up and stopped smiling. I didn't say anything more as I made eye contact with Bucky.
"Hi" he said.
"... no."
"What?"
"I- I can't..."
"Y/n-"
"You're here with someone else."
"But-"
"No. No. It's not fair. I- Just leave me alone."
I walked away from him.
Its really not fair.
"Hey babe..."
I heard a woman's voice. Sharon. Fuck her. Fuck Bucky too.
I looked back over my shoulder at them.
She was all over him.
It had only been a week.
She acted like she owned him.
I hate her. So much.
She had her hands all over Bucky.
All over my boyfriend.
She took his arm. She started dragging him out the room. He looked back and his eyes scanned the room.
He never looked at me.
Sharon lead him out the room.
Nope.