Red in my Ledger

Chapter Forty

SATURDAY

It had been a long week.
Today it was your birthday. You hated that for so many reasons.
However, it did mean a party.
An excuse to get shitfaced enough to finally distract yourself from him.
But that wasn't until this evening.
It was still morning. You were still in bed, painfully waiting for the others to come and see you.
And there it was. The knock on the door.
You groaned and pushed your face into your pillow to hide.
You heard the door open.
"Happy birthday" Tony cheerily cried at you.
"Y/n, you okay?" Natasha asked.
"We brought you breakfast in bed" Steve said.
"With a bottle of vodka on the side."
You rolled over and Yelena grinned at you, while the others shook their heads.
"Liar" you frowned at Yelena and rolled back over into the pillow.
You had only turned for a second, but it was enough for you to see that Bucky wasn't in the room.
"Come on sleepyhead" Tony laughed. "We've got things to do."
You groaned.
"The sooner you get up, the sooner you can open your presents."
You looked up.
"You guys got me presents?"
"Of course we did. And you can open some as soon as you've had your breakfast."
You sat up and glanced at Steve carrying the tray of food. He placed it in your lap.
"So... you guys are just gonna stand there and watch me eat?"
"You want us to go?" Tony asked.
"I don't mind. Its just a little creepy" you frowned.
"Okay we'll go. Come find us when you're done."
"Okay" you watched them all turn to the door, but changed your mind. "Wait!"
They turned back.
"Um... Natasha can you stay?"
Nat smiled and she sat on the end of the bed while the others walked out.
You started eating your breakfast in silence.
"Any particular reason you wanted me here?" Nat wondered after a little while.
You shrugged. You ate some more of your food, then you looked at Natasha.
"... I met you nineteen years ago today" you recalled.
"You had just gotten back from Ohio, and you were crying about Yelena. So I said I'd help you find her because I wanted to help cheer you up... I remember that day so clearly because I always used to think about it... I've had a pretty shit life Nat, but that day was one of very few that I call an exception."
Natasha leaned forward and you hugged her.
"You were my best friend... my sister. I really missed you when you left" you admitted.
"I missed you too. Leaving you behind was one of the worst choices I've ever made. And Yelena too."
"But its fine because we're all together now" you smiled. "Come on, I want to open presents."
Natasha took the tray with the half empty plate and took it to the kitchen as you went to find the others in the living room. Natasha joined you again a minute later.
Still no sign of Bucky.
You hid your disappointment with a smile, and you took a seat on the couch.
You weren't really sure why you wanted to see him.
It would probably just make you feel bed.
But he should at least have the decency to say hi on your birthday.
You thought maybe it was for the best.
Today should theoretically be about you. You shouldn't spend the whole day thinking about him.
"Y/n!"
Tony bought you back to reality.
You looked up to see him gesturing a present at you.
"You okay?"
"Yeah" you nodded and took the gift from him.
You opened it, revealing a box, inside which was a necklace. It looked expensive.
"Wow, Tony, its beautiful, thank you."
"Isn't it? ... its moms."
"What?"
"That necklace... it belonged to our mother."
"Really?"
"Mhm. One of her favourites."
"Oh my god" you whispered, looking back at the necklace and carefully picking it up with your fingers. "Thank you so much."
You admired it for a moment more then closed the box and set it aside to open the rest of your presents.
You received a few more from Tony, and a couple from each of the others.
The last gift you opened was one from Yelena.
It was a red dress. You recognised it.
"It was the one you tried on in the store that day we went shopping" Yelena reminded you. "You looked so amazing, I thought you might like to have the option of wearing it tonight."
"Thanks Lena. I think I might just."
Just as you did, a noise came from behind you.
"Oh no, did I miss presents?"
You looked over the back of your couch and smiled when you saw Clint.
You stood up and stepped over the small carpet of wrapping paper to give him a hug.
"Happy birthday y/n" Clint said as he handed over a gift bag.
You thanked him for it.
In the next hour, Sam, Thor and Bruce all showed up at the tower (and they all brought gifts).
Everyone had lunch together, then cake.
You finished your slice, then turned to Steve on your left.
"Hey, where's Bucky?" you asked.
"He went on a date with Sharon last night and didn't come home so... I think they're together."
"Hm."
"They'll be at the party, though."
"Sharon's coming?"
"Yeah."
"Hm."
"You alright?"
"Mhm."
After everyone finished cake, you excused yourself to your room.
The others let you go as they had realised you had not had a minute alone yet today.
However, you did not go back to your own room.
You went to Bucky's. You knew you shouldn't, but he was out so he wouldn't know.
When you got there, you immediately sat on his bed and crawled under the sheets. There was still a lingering smell that reminded you of him. The comfort of the bed felt almost as good as the comfort you felt in his arms.
You wanted to stay there forever.
But you had barely started to relax before you were disrupted.
"Y/n?"
"Bucky" you sat up quickly in alarm. You made eye contact, then looked away quickly as you kicked off his sheets and got out the bed. You headed towards the door, aiming to push past him. "Sorry" you muttered.
Bucky stepped in the room properly and kicked the door shut behind him.
"What are you doing y/n?" he sighed.
"I... don't really know" you admitted.
You noticed that Bucky was not empty-handed; he was holding a bouquet of roses by his side.
"Those for Sharon?" you asked.
"Hm? Oh, yeah."
"Where is she?"
"At her apartment. I'm going to pick her up in about an hour."
"Weren't you with her this morning?"
"She wanted to get ready for the party on her own."
You slowly nodded your head but didn't say anything.
You weren't sure if you could without tears forming in your eyes.
"Happy birthday by the way."
You smiled weakly as an expression of your gratitude.
"Sorry, I- uh- missed cake... and presents..."
He paused. You didn't know if he had got you a present or not, but you weren't going to wait to find out.
"I can't do this" you whispered. You looked past Bucky as you went to push past him. "Excuse me-"
"Y/n..." Bucky grabbed your hand before you could walk out the door, but you pushed him off and left his room. Bucky didn't try anymore to stop you.
He went to sit on the bed and looked at the bouquet of roses. He found the small tag attached to it.
"Happy birthday doll" it read, with a small red heart.
Bucky ripped it off and chucked the tag in the bin.
He put the flowers on the bed, saving them to give to Sharon later.
He stood up and walked to his cupboard. He opened the door and pulled down a bag from the top shelf.
Inside, there was a small, light brown teddy, and between its fluffy paws it was holding a little red love heart. Embroidered in gold thread were the words "I love you".
Bucky hesitated, but dropped it into his bin also.