Red in my Ledger

Chapter Thirty-Three

Tony took you back to your own room, where you sat in silence on the bed with Tony next to you.
"Y/n are you okay?" he asked.
"No."
"Do you wanna talk to me about it?"
"Not really."
"Or I could get Natasha, and you can talk to her?"
"No I don't want to talk to Natasha. I want-" you took a breath to avoid tears. You couldn't stop your eyes watering slightly. "I want him. I just want everything to go back to normal so I can talk to him again."
"When you say normal..."
You were referring to your days at Hydra with the Winter Soldier. When everything felt normal just training all the time until you had missions and you would do them together, and you felt comfortable with him.
"I mean the way it was before he said anything."
"Even if he hadn't said anything, it wouldn't change the fact that that is how he feels."
"So you're not like, totally against it?"
"No. He seems to really care about you, and I know you care about him. I think you care about him."
"I... do."
"And I can't exactly hate him for his past, because that's not particularly fair. He's a good guy, and he wouldn't be the worst person in the world for you to date."
"But I..."
"I know, you don't want to date anyway."
"I don't know."
Tony obviously knew you were upset, but he had no idea how to console you.
"If he was here, what would you say to him?" Tony asked.
"I don't know, Tony."
"What if he was someone else?"
"What do you mean?"
"If Barnes was still your best friend, and it was someone else that told you they loved you. What would you say to Barnes?"
"I- I think we would laugh a little" you smiled slightly. "And he'd ask me how I feel. I'd say I wouldn't know, so he'd ask questions to break it down and we'd figure it out together. And I would just sit in his arms until I felt better..."
Tony nodded slowly.
"... but I can't do that because he's the one that we'd be talking about."
"I'm sorry y/n. Is there anything I can do?"
"I don't think so."
"Okay well I'm here if you need me."
"Actually I'd like to be on my own for a while, if you don't mind?"
"Of course. I'll come back later to bring you some dinner. Pizza?" 
"Okay. Thank you Tony."
"No problem. See you later y/n."
You waved until Tony had shut the door behind him, then you collapsed onto your back on your bed.   
No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get Bucky off your mind. You wanted to see him. But you also really didn't.
After a while, there was a knock at the door.
You were suddenly hopeful, but when you called for them to come in, Yelena opened the door.
You sat up in bed but didn't say anything.
She came over and sat next to you. She opened the bag she was holding and pulled out a bottle.
"I have alcohol" she declared as she took off the lid.
She drank some, then handed the bottle to you. You took it but didn't drink. Yet.
"Natasha told me what happened" Yelena said. "I take it we're hating Bucky?"
You took a swig from the bottle.
"50 50" you said.
"Whatever. I still hate him. He's a jerk."
You remembered what happened with Yelena and Bucky.
"Yelena, I am so sorry. You're right, he is a jerk... I can't believe he would do something like that."
"You know what, I can't believe you had no idea."
"Hm?"
"It was so obvious that he liked you. Even when he was supposedly dating me, I could see it. Everyone did."
You frowned and drank about half the bottle.
"And you didn't think to tell me?" you groaned.
"We didn't think you could be that naive."
You rolled your eyes.
You handed the bottle back to her.
"Please tell me there's more alcohol in that bag" you said.
Yelena smirked and empty the contents of the bag onto the bed, revealing enough alcohol for a party.
You took a new bottle and opened it.

Far too much alcohol later...  

"And do you remember that cake you tried to make on my tenth birthday... it was shit" you laughed.
"It was Natasha's idea. Neither of us could bake very well" Yelena laughed too.
"You know, I swear you hated me when we were kids."
Yelena paused and sipped her bottle.
"I didn't hate you. I just didn't like you. You were a bitch. And a show off."
"Yeah well I was better than you at everything" you giggled.
"It was like... sisters fight. But that doesn't mean they don't love each other."    
"Aw you love me."
Yelena jokingly rolled her eyes at you.
"Don't worry Lena, I love you too."
"I do love you y/n/n" Yelena chuckled. "But not like Bucky does."
You both burst out laughing on the bed.
"He really loves me" you laughed.
"Do you love him?" Yelena questioned.
Your laughing died down.
"You know that date he took me on?" Yelena recalled. "He wouldn't shut up about you."
You didn't respond for a minute.
Then you got up from the bed.
"Weiner is a bitch" you frowned.
"Where are you going?" Yelena asked.
"To tell Weiner he's a bitch and that he's not my best friend anymore." You turned at the door to look back at Yelena. "You're my best friend now. You coming?"
"I wouldn't miss it" she grinned and got up from the bed to follow you.
Together, you stumbled through the halls of the tower to find Bucky's room.
You stood in front of a door and lifted your fist to knock, but doubled over laughing.
"Okay" you stood up straight. "Okay I'm gonna do it."
You started knocking aggressively.
"Weiner!" you banged on the door. "Weiner! I need to talk to you! Weiner! Weiner! Weiner!"
A door opened behind you on the other side of the hallway but you kept knocking on the door in front of you.
"Weiner! Weiner!"
"Y/n?" Bucky sighed from behind you.
"Sh! I need to talk to Bucky... Weiner!"
Bucky put his hand on your shoulder and spun you around.
"Bucky?" you frowned. "Why aren't you in my room?" You pointed back at the door you were knocking on.
"That's the bathroom."
"You know what, you're shit so that should be your room because there's a toilet and you're a piece of shit" you said.
"You tell him y/n" Yelena said next to Bucky, shaking her bottle in the air.
Bucky looked at her, then back at you.
"You're drunk."    
"I need to talk to you" you declared. "You... you are a- an absolute jerk-face! You ruined everything just because you had feelings. I mean, that's kinda selfish Buck. What about me? Now I don't have a best friend. But actually I do because I replaced you with Yelena. And Yelena. You were a real dick to her and she deserved more than you. You dated her when you liked me. That's so dick-ish. You're a dick. And a jerk. And now... now I need to throw up so if you will excuse me I'm going to throw up in your bed because you deserve it, you dick" you spat and pushed past him. When you got to his door, you ran forward as the sick was rising in your throat.
You hurled onto his bed, your vomit leaking off the sheets onto the floor.
You laughed for a second, until you threw up more.
You felt Bucky's arms wrap around you from behind and lift you into the air.
You tried to hold back from vomiting as he carried you out of his room. You thought he would just place you down outside, but he took you to the bathroom and sat you next to the toilet.
You leaned over it and continued throwing up.
Bucky left for a moment, then came back and sat behind you.
He pulled your hair into a ponytail to keep it out of your face.
He placed his hand on your back and waited for you to be done.
Yelena stood in the doorway.
"Lightweight" she commented, and took another drink.
Bucky stood up and took the bottle from her.
"Hey!"
"I think you should go back to your room."
"I'm not leaving y/n with you."
"She'll be fine."
"She doesn't like you."
"Just go, and don't drink anymore."
Yelena rolled her eyes, but left with no further argument.  
Bucky looked back at you. You had resorted to just coughing.
You moved away from the toilet and leant back against the wall.
You closed your eyes and took deep breaths to cleanse yourself of the sick taste lingering in your mouth.
"Come on, I'll take you back to your room."
"Hm. Leave me. I'll sleep here."
With your eyes still closed, you listened as Bucky moved across the bathroom.
Soon enough, you felt his arms hold you once again as he picked you up off the floor.
Your head dropped tiredly onto his shoulder.
"You're still a jerk" you mumbled.
"I know."
He started walking back to your room.
"Bucky?"
"Hm?" 
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"Cause I was a jerk too. I was so stupid. I am really really stupid" you started crying.
"Y/n, why don't we talk about this when you're sober?"
You sobbed quietly onto Bucky's shoulder until you got back to your room.
He entered your room and tried to put you down on your bed but it was difficult as you wouldn't let go of him.
"Can you stay?"
"Y/n..."
"Please? ... I threw up in your bed so you can't exactly sleep there anyway."
Bucky sighed and rolled on to his side next to you.
"Y/n we can't do this anymore. It's different now that I-"
You interrupted him as you leaned forward and pressed your lips against his. He kissed you back for a second without questioning it. But then he pulled away. Before he could say anything, you rolled over so your back was facing him.
Bucky put his arm around you and pulled you closer to him. He buried his face in your hair.
As you fell asleep in his arms, he wished over and over again in his head that you hadn't been drunk.