All Four Of Me

Chapter 38

KENZIE

Have you ever seen or heard something that made you feel sick in the stomach? I'm not talking the usual lump in throat, butterflies in belly type of sick. I mean the type of sick where you can't even bear the thought of eating something because you know the moment it hits your stomach it's going to come back up again. The type of sick that makes you feel so exhausted that the mere idea of having to get out of bed in the morning drains you completely of any energy you still have left.

I've had that feeling multiple times throughout my life but never quite like this. Usually, after a solid panic attack, a lot of crying and a good night's sleep, the feeling would dissipate or at the very least de-escalate to the normal type of anxiety induced nausea. This time around the feeling has only intensified as the days have dragged on, and it has now reached the point where I am beginning to feel like I am never going to feel well again.

The muscles in my abdomen hurt from the constant and often violent dry heaving that has followed the multiple times I have lost the contents of my stomach, and my throat burns in discomfort each time I try to swallow anything. The taste of stomach bile lingers at the back of my tongue like poison, doing nothing to ease the sickly feeling that blankets every cell of my body, and my head aches from the constant tension and stress of it all.

Everything was going fine.

After our meeting with Garrett Brennan, Ben and I had made considerable progress in compiling a list of all the other leads that we could follow to uncover the mystery surrounding Dominic's identity. We have already made contact with his publisher and left a message in the hopes that someone would indulge us in our enquiries, but so far there has been nothing but staunch silence on their part. Because of this, we have also made plans to head back to EMU to see if we can try and track down Scotty or even their basketball coach, however until Nathan or Will go back to work and we have a way to get into the city those plans are momentarily on hold.

The guys had shown me my first real Christmas worth celebrating, and although they tried way too hard to make it special, I couldn't be more thankful for the effort they put in to making me feel like I belonged there with them. At first it had been strange watching them carry out their Christmas traditions, but as the day went on I had gradually become more comfortable with their peculiar celebrations. Don't get me wrong, there were still those few brief moments throughout the day where I felt overwhelmingly sad for no apparent reason, but aside from that I had managed to keep myself relatively anxiety free.

Everyone was relaxed, talks of court proceedings and visitations completely non-existent within the household, and any feelings of pressure or discomfort surrounding those topics had dissipated with the pause. Even the simmering anticipation that comes along with having to visit Dr Miller twice a week had been removed, he having closed his office to enjoy the holiday period.

There was a week and a half, almost two weeks, where I felt like everything was entirely normal.

And then it all came crashing down.

All it took was for one tiny but mind jarring nightmare to sneak its way into my brain while I slept, and now it is as if my whole world has been tilted on its axis. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and with each day that passes without any change it feels like I'm slipping further and further away from the progress that I have worked so hard to achieve.

That's why I opened up to Dr Miller in my last counselling session. I had hoped that by telling him about some of the stuff in my dreams it would take some of the fear away. He had promised me last time that he would start our next session off where it finished before and instead of feeling annoyed or apprehensive about it, the opportunity to drop some of the weight on my chest was too good to refuse.