A Hidden Picture

Thirty six

~ Annalise ~ flashback to the night

Humans are such complex forms of life.

Our own emotions are sometimes too complex to even understand ourselves.

It amazing how we can experience opposite emotions at the same time; clashing together to make us feel an entirely new emotion. How feelings can quickly lead from one to another.

How you can feel such strong hatred and love for someone at the same time?

It's like black and white meeting together on an artist's pallet. Creating grey.

The grey being anything depending on the person.

For some people such a strong mixture of hatred and love could create sadness.

Fear; perhaps of your own feelings since you don't understand them.

Confusion. Anxiety. Stress. Grief.

Anger.

True anger takes a while to build.

It collects over time. Like how a little kid might collect coins in their piggy bank over the years. Until one day they take a hammer to it once it's completely filled. The coins and shards of glass going everywhere.

I think first it started off with a mixture of grief. Her becoming less of my sister and more of a stranger. The grief of progressively losing the person who she once was. The relationship we once had.

That then progressed to anxiety. The constant stress and worry in the back of my mind; wondering where she was, if she was okay, the possible future.

Except then it gets to a point where you mentally can't handle worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themselves. That's the part of defeat. Exhaustion.

That's the part where you accept that you can't control their fate. Or them. That all you can do is accept how they live. And move on.

That's the acceptance. You accept that their life might be cut shorter. You accept that maybe one day when they're too high to function, they might end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. You accept that their now fucked up mind might take over one day; them ending up cutting their own life short.

You learn to accept it because it's all you can do.

Now, I'm not a parent. But as I've seen I know it must be a lot harder to watch someone who you grew yourself, someone who is apart of you, someone you've raised; slowly kill themselves, watch them be whisked away.

The anger for me started when the arguing started.

The anger started when I couldn't find peace in my own home.

The anger started when I had to start walking on egg shells.

The anger started when worry began to cloud over me every time I heard a loud noise. My mind immediately going to think the worst.

The anger started when I would go in the shower and hear people talking and my stomach would begin to churn, stress eating away at my insides. Then getting out the shower only to see that my mom and dad were only sitting on the couch talking about something just a little too loudly.

And now I've reached a new emotion: sick and fucking tired.

"I'm so done with your shit! You wanna kill yourself with that mierda? Go ahead! I don't care anymore!," Ma yells. It getting louder as I get closer.

"How could you say that about your own daughter? Don't you feel guilty?! You're such an awful person but you think you're such a fucking life savor." I watch as I get closer, Vera sticks her finger angrily in her face as she speaks.