Odds And Mirrors (Unedited)

Phakamile

" it's not that I don't want love or don't believe in it but I'm realistic about it. Love is flawed because humans are flawed.

Like my mother for instance, she's a great person but a terrible mother and she failed to choose us as her children.

The older I get, the more I understand it's not her fault. She didn't know what she was doing and the damage done was never intentional or malicious as traumatic as being loved by her was.
Sure it would be nice if she took accountability for it but I made peace with the fact that she'll never do.
She's a beautiful human being but it doesn't change the fact that she was a terrible mother
So I don't see how knowing that could stop me from being a terrible mother even though I know I'm not a terrible person"

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes because what if I don't know how to love my children the way they wish to be loved? What if being a mother overwhelms me and it doesn't stop me from wanting to die young? I've been at people's service all my life, motherhood would overstretch me. Regardless of how good of a mother I'd be, I think I'd feel overwhelmed by the experience and end up hating my life even if I love the child
The world also has very evil people and I don't think I could do that to another human I think the best thing I could do for my future children is to not have them

I feel that children should be the exception not the rule. The world is so ghetto and I barely want to be in it, it'll be evil to bring a child into it with how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I love the guy that I'm with right now and I know it started tricky because he's my boss but I love him and I'll welcome and accept his love until he decided to takes it back

I'm not gonna hold him captive or hostage to his words and his love
If it lasts 6 months great, I'll hurt and probably need years to recover
If it lasts 20/30 years even better but I won't have any expectations of it, life has taught me that much"

"Are you always expecting the worst in life" she asks

"No, I'm pretty lucky for the most part but I realise now as a young adult that my mother is also just a girl who doesn't know what she's doing but still trying her best. I just don't want to force or traumatize myself and another human in the name of marriage" I say

"Have you considered that your approach or view has everything to do with your mum being bipolar and an alcoholic and not based on your original feelings and thoughts"

"Even if it has everything to do with it, it doesn't change it from being true, if my own mother can be like that. Why would I expect another person to give themselves to me? I'm not even sure I want to give myself to another person fully. It seems very selfish and a lot of work, I'm tired of working hard, I just want to breathe easy"

" do you feel the same way about your friend Lindzy?" Refiloe asks

" yes"

"How though? you seem to have such a high regard for that friendship"

" I do but we work because we are both committed into it. Loving Lindzy is easy, but if he were to decide tomorrow that he no longer wants to be my friend, sure I would ask him to explain why, maybe even cry but I wouldn't stop him from leaving me, if he felt that it was best for him"

" I don't want anyone to feel obligated to be with me because of a promise they once made when they were happy. We're allowed to grow apart and want different things.
If someone I love is meant to be away from me I'll never force them to stay.
Romantic love is different, in the sense that the person you choose affects so much of your happiness, your work, lifestyle and your state of mind.
They could really fuck up or elevate your peace depending on the love and I'm not sure of what I bring to the table.