"Lando, can you help me figure something out quickly?"
The man leans back in his seat and watches me intently with cold eyes.
"Sure Zak, anything for the big boss at Mclaren. Wassup?"
"How long... have you been sleeping with my daughter?"
In a fast...
I woke up feeling sweaty in the middle of the night. It had been a few days since what felt like my mental breakdown but at least things seemed to be getting better.
I rolled over onto my side to find Zoey sleeping next to me, reading glasses still on with her book spread across her chest. If ever I were to have an older sister, I always imagined she would be a lot like her.
After Bianca left in the morning to go cheer Pierre on in Italy, we finally addressed the elephant in the room and had the one on one, heart to heart conversation I feel like Zoey had partly stayed behind for.
Initially, I tried to get her to leave too by insisting I was fine and that I was just really exhausted from the last couple of days and that's why I had a minor breakdown but she wasn't having any of it.
"You forget my mom 'Dr. Philled' me basically all my life so you're going to have to try harder than that," she said.
"Come on Liv, talk to me. You think I'd be in your father's kitchen drinking this tea with his pretentious oat milk if I didn't care about you?" This made me smile. She always had a way of lightening a heavy room. "Seriously, why do we even bother with oat milk?"
"You used to like his pretentious oat milk," I say at her.
My best friend tilted her nose up at me and wagged her index finger in the air. "That's besides the point. Olivia tell me what happened."
So at a calm pace, on a Sunday morning in Woking, I tell her in detail everything that happened between Zandvoort and the most recent night at Lando's hotel, how after finding out about the engagement, he comforted me, how instead of overthinking about everything like I always do, I decided to just be in the moment and go with what I felt at the time. How I was the one who initiated the sex.
I realised while filling her in on some parts she missed out on, that it was the first time I'd really told her in that much detail about my exchanges with him, the good, the bad and everything in between. Usually I'd just skim over it or brush it off nonchalantly but I guess at some point you feel like who am I going to tell if I can't tell my own best friend.
She listened attentively, nodding here and there and only interrupting me to ask if I could repeat something. When I was finally done, she said, "So let me get this straight? After all of the cat and dog chase you guys had, you finally actually hook up and it's great right? You both want it?" she asks enthusiastically.
"Yes! It was amazing! We both definitely wanted it." I don't try to hide my frustration after saying that.
"You buy a beautiful dress in a weird colour hoping to catch his eye again at the dinner-"
"Hey! I looked breathtaking in that colour," I say.
"Yes, you did my friend. You actually really did. So you go to this team dinner, you look absolutely amazing and he basically dumps you at the bar before the dinner even starts?" Her brows furrow in confusion. I know that look. She's doing some sort of mental gymnastics trying to solve a riddle only she knows.
I snap my fingers in her face to bring her back to the conversation we're having. "You can't dump what you never had Zo."
"I think we're all beyond the point of trying to understand the definition of your relationship with Lando, Mick included. But anyway, he basically says that it's been good but he's done?"
"Basically." I started to fidget absentmindedly with my fingers.
"And you don't think that's a bit strange?" she said, placing her hands over mine with a smile.
"Strange is the story of my life. What else is new."
"Right... It must've been a lot for you to process. Throw in the engagement and your mom." She took my hands into her own and spoke in a gentle voice. "Liv, I can't even begin to imagine how you've been coping. I just don't understand why you didn't reach out to me."
"Technically I did, you were the first person I called."
"I know. I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish you'd reached out to me sooner."
"I wanted to but I didn't know what to say. I didn't want you to think I wasn't strong enough to handle my bull shit on my own."
"You could've said anything, you know I would never judge you."
"I know. I'm just tired of feeling like the only girl in the world that never gets picked. Sure, I'm good enough to fuck for a while but not good enough to be someone's girlfriend."
"Liv-" I took my hands back from hers and shook my head.
"Please don't Liv me," I said way too defensively. "You know I'm not the type to want to be defined by romantic relationships but damn I wish somebody would just kinda want to love me too. Even if it's just a little bit of love."
We shared a lot with each other that morning. It had been months since we had a really good deep conversation that led to ugly crying, hand holding and ice cream.
She helped me look at some of the situations from a different perspective. I realised not taking my pills was in a weird way, my way of wanting to be in control of my own life again. I thought it would give me back my sense of purpose.
•Ping•
"Goldilocks just texted. Says Italy is great and hopes you're feeling better. A bunch of them are going out tonight to celebrate the start of the three week break."
"You really shouldn't call her that behind her back."
"Bro she calls herself that. It's like her brand now."
I laughed. "You're the worst."
Looking at my friend sleeping next to me I feel a sense of gratitude and that maybe I do have a guardian angel out there.
I needed that. I needed to cry without worry or shame in a space where I would feel seen and protected. I hoped that I didn't worry them too much because I really did feel better now that it had been a few days.
My dad didn't even question why I'd decided not to come at the last minute. I think he knows something is up but it isn't in his nature to pry about things he's not sure about.
I picked up the book from Zoey and placed it on my nightstand, making sure not to wake her. Her glasses slipped off easily and soon I had the bedside lights off and cushioned myself into a good sleeping position.
I was slowly falling back into sleep when something she said earlier that day popped back into my head.
"I think we're all beyond the point of trying to understand the definition of your relationship with Lando, Mick included."
Mick included?
~~ •Instagram Dm•
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~~ A/N: A shorter one at 02:50am :) but Thank You for 5k reads. 🧡
