I was getting ready to visit Demi for the first time since she had been in rehab. The last time I saw her was a month ago. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. We talked on the phone often. She would tell me about her day and how she was going. I never really spoke, I just listened to her. The sound of her voice soothed me. She sounded happy, for once, which made me happy. Demi was getting better, she was doing okay and her being okay was enough for me. I didn't care if she was not brilliant, or good, or great, she was okay, and for Demi, that was more than enough.
~
As I got out of my car and walked through the doors of the building, I felt nauseas. I could have sworn I was going to throw up. I had to be checked and all the stuff that comes along with it which only made me irritated because I was so impatient. All I wanted was to see Demi. I needed to see her.
After what felt like an eternity, I was finally able to see her. My heart froze the second I laid eyes on her. She was beautiful. No, she was much more than that. There were no words to describe her. She looked healthy. She was glowing.
"SEL!" She practically screamed before running up to me and jumping in my arms.
The force of her body caused us to fall on the ground but neither of us cared. She wrapped herself around me and I didn't ever want her to let go.
It didn't take long before the tears started flowing. I inhaled her scent and gripped her tighter than ever. "I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you too." She breathed.
"How have you been, Dee? Tell me everything."
"Fucking miserable." She laughed. "What I would do to be back with you."
I cocked my eyebrow. "Miss me that much?"
"Nah, but anywhere is better than here." She stuck her tongue between here teeth and grinned.
I gasped in an attempt to sound offended.
"I'm kidding. Of course I've missed you. You look after me when I can't look after myself."
"Oh, you mean when you're too drunk to even stand?" I giggled.
"Exactly." She sighed. "I'm getting better, you know."
"I know baby, I know." I half smiled. "I'm proud of you."
She swallowed and looked at the ground, which mind you, we were still laying on. "Do you think I'll ever get fully better?"
I bit my lip. I wanted to say yes but I couldn't lie to her because I honestly didn't know. "We'll see, Dee."
She knew as much as I did that once she got out of this place, it was up to her. I would of course hold her hand through absolutely anything that we came across, but if she was going to get better, she had to do it herself. No one could fix Demi, except Demi and whether we liked that or not, it was reality. I had wished so many times that she wasn't in too deep but all I could do now was pull her out of the depths. But she would be okay, I knew she would.
~
We had limited time and limited things we could do, but every second spent with her that day made all the pain from being away from her worth it.
To see her throw her head back and laugh calmed my soul more than anything ever had before. She held my hand that whole day, she was too scared to let go but it didn't bother me, not one bit. We talked for hours about how things were going to change when she got home. She promised me she wouldn't party anymore and I was about to find out that most of the promises Demi made weren't genuine. She was a wild child and nothing would ever calm her down. Not even I could.
~
Leaving her that day wasn't as hard as the first time. But in saying that, it was still hard. The amount of times I turned around while I was walking away from her just to get a glimpse of her beauty was ridiculous.
Demi had the kind of beauty that all the girls wanted and she had the personality to match. Although she didn't make wise choices sometimes, there wasn't a bad bone in that girls body. She was naturally beautiful, even on her bad days and I will forever wonder why she ever threw that away.
She was reckless, annoying, frustrating and everything else that comes with it but she was love. She was everything that you could ever hope for. She was caring, gentle and mesmerizing but she was broken. Never to be fixed.
I loved Demi without caution. I loved her whole-heartedly and recklessly and I would never let anybody take that love away from me. With the risk of sounding cliche, she was sunshine.
~
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and Demi was being released soon. I could have cried when she told me. When I would visit her, she would tell me everything we were going to do when she got out of this place. The first thing, was make love, apparently. I found it completely absurd but I laughed with her. I was proud of how far she had come in such a short time but I knew that she had a lot further to go.
Life without her was a mess. I couldn't understand how anyone could cope being away from someone they cared about for so long. It was driving me insane and I was almost convinced that I would end up locked in a facility.
I had tried to talk to Demi, about the whole reason she was in rehab, but she refused to talk about it and said she would rather wait until she was out. I understood and agreed. I didn't want to push her and I knew that she would come to me when she felt like she could.
What I didn't know was that things outside of rehab were going to get so much worse than before. What I didn't know was that I'd be clinging to the last bit of hope that I had left in me.
