Why I thought I could trust her to stay away from her old habits was beyond me because it would have been too good to be true. I guess I held on to the tiniest bit of hope that she would, if not for herself, for me.
The familiar smell of cigarettes, alcohol and sex assaulted me and I knew straight away, she couldn't do it. She didn't have the strength.
I inhaled deeply and sat up as I heard her giggling while she was stumbling to her bed. Oddly enough, she was also ssh'ing herself. But she couldn't be quiet even if she tried. She never could.
I reluctantly got out of bed and wrapped my arms around her waist, letting her weight fall onto me and helped her into bed. "Don't tell Selena". She whispered.
I rolled my eyes and tucked her in. She passed out pretty much straight away and I stood there looking at the beautiful girl. I was still holding onto that little bit of hope that she'd get better, but even now, that was fading.
~
"Fuck fuck fuck." Her voice radiated through the room.
I sat up and groaned while holding my head. It was still dark, which clearly meant I shouldn't have been awake.
I glanced over at my clock that was on my bedside table. It read 4:14am. Really, Demi?
"Why are you awake, Dem?" I mumbled, still half asleep.
"Move over." She husked.
I was way too tired to fight with her, so I did as she asked and she climbed in beside me.
"My head hurts." She complained.
"I wonder why." I sarcastically answered.
"I fucked up again, didn't I?"
I let out a little "mm", to tired to have that conversation with her at that point.
There was silence and I started to drift to sleep.
"I love you." She broke the silence.
I knew she loved me. That was a certainty but I was at the point where I was going to question her about it, not to cause any dramas, but because I think she threw the word 'love' around loosely.
"But do you actually?" My voice was hoarse.
"Why would you question that?" She mumbled into my neck.
I rolled over and faced her, the moon illuminated her. She was incredible. She was everything.
"Because you don't hurt the people you love." I said simply before closing my eyes.
She didn't reply and I didn't expect her to. She knew exactly what I meant and as much as I hated her feeling any negative emotions, I wanted her to feel guilty for what she was doing.
I didn't come here to fall in love, but I did. I had put all of my time, effort and energy into keeping her alive to the point where I wasn't thinking about myself. Did I regret it? Not one bit. But I was starting to think it'd be pointless putting her before myself if she wasn't going to make an effort to change.
I had my own life before her but my life had now become our life. Mine and Demi's. This meant that I no longer had only myself to look after. I had another person. But I knew what responsibilities love came with before I fell in it, I just didn't have any idea how much baggage Demi actually had and how much I had to take on. But I was prepared to do that, for her. I was prepared to do anything, for her.
Again, just as I was about to drift away, she spoke.
"Every time I look at you, it hurts."
My heart pained but I didn't say a word. She pulled me closer to her and we both fell asleep. I was so content in that moment.
~
I woke up to my alarm screaming at me. I was getting so sick of the thing. It seemed as though lately, I was getting sick of everything. I had moments where I thought I was heading down the same track that I once went down but just as easily as that thought came, it went because I knew that I would never let myself go down that track, not again and especially while Demi was going down it too.
"Wake up, Dee." I whispered in her ear.
Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at me. That smile soon faded though and I knew exactly why.
"About last night." She began but I was quick to cut her off. "It's nothing."
That was a lie, she knew as much as I did that it was more than nothing. It was something. Something that should not have happened. Something that she could have prevented had she not given into it.
"I thought I could do it." She admitted.
So did I.
"You can." I replied. "It's just gonna take some time, okay?"
She half smiled. "How do I prevent it from happening?"
I chuckled and she gave me a confused look. "Simple." I stated. "Don't go anywhere where you think you could get sucked into doing it." I smiled. "Besides, I'd much rather you be here with me every night anyway."
She reached up and placed her hand on either side of my face and dragged my lips closer to hers. I was about to lean it. I almost did until I remembered that she had clearly slept with someone else last night. I pulled away as a lump formed in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. "Dee, no." I closed my eyed and a tear fell down my cheek.
"I understand." She whispered.
"I don't think you do." I choked out before walking into the bathroom to clean myself up.
I heard the sound of footsteps enter the bathroom as I stood there wiping away numerous tears. I looked Demi straight in the eye, and as did she. I could see the guilt wash over her face. She knew what she had done, and now she was seeing the consequences of what she had done.
"Why don't you think I understand?" She questioned, referring to my comment previously.
"Why does it hurt every time you look at me?" I avoided answering, knowing I'd cry even more.
"You answer first." She bit her lip.
"You."
"No."
"Bye then." I pushed passed her and went back to bed. There was no way I was going to class today. No way in hell.
I climbed underneath my bed covers and began sobbing again. I didn't know what the point of being here was anymore. I had lost all motivation to do anything that I used to be excited about doing.
I felt my bed shift and rolled over to be faced with Demi, who was now also crying.
"It hurts because I love you so much. It hurts because I can't stay away from all the bad shit and I want to, for you. So we can be together. I want you. All of you. And I want to be strong but I'm not Sel. Please understand. I do love you, but I can't be with you, at least not while I'm like this. I'm sorry." She choked.
I used my thumb to wipe her tears away and kissed her swollen lips.
"I love you, Dee." I kissed her softly once more. "But I'm leaving college."
