Demi and I were in love. So madly in love. Young and dumb, maybe crazy too, but most importantly in love. I could tell her everything and she would give me her full support. As would I when she shared her deepest thoughts with me.
One could have hoped that after getting engaged that things would go uphill. But they didn't. And I had to learn that they never would. She was far too gone and I wasn't around enough to notice when it all started to go bad again.
I threw myself into my study more than anything after that night. I was going to make something with my life, and Demi, she was going to be right beside me. That's how it was supposed to be. That's how we had planned it.
The less time I spent with her, the more out of control she became and I never noticed it but if I could go back, god, would I change it. I never knew what I had back then. I really, truly, thought I had forever. And I didn't. No one does. I realised sooner than I wanted, that you cannot control what happens in your life, the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it will happen and the best you can do is just hold on tight and wait for it to pass.
It had been six months since that night. Since the night that I thought would lead Demi and I into a lifetime of happiness and bliss. I couldn't have known back then that I was too naive and my thoughts were far from the truth.
We decided to go to a party. We had been fighting a lot because I was "distant" and she was spiralling downhill. I didn't realise how bad it was getting or how fast it was happening until the night of the party.
Everything was fine at first, we were having fun, downing drinks and dancing. We were laughing and in that moment I looked her in the eyes and I was happy. So happy that I forgot about everything bad that had happened. In that moment, I was alive. She smiled at me and all the breath left my lungs. That smile could cure cancer, without a doubt.
It wasn't until a few hours later that Demi had disappeared. I didn't worry too much, I just continued dancing and laughing with my friends.
She returned not long after, and I could tell she was high on something.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I spat.
She laughed. "You wouldn't know anything these days if it hit you in the face, Sel. Loosen up."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"I'm high ninety percent of the time and you don't even realise." Her eyes filled with tears. "You don't realise because you are NEVER there." She emphasised. "You're never fucking there anymore and I get so lonely. I feel so fucking lonely and you're never there to comfort me, love me, hold me, kiss me." She looked down at the ground before looking back up into my eyes. I watched as a single tear fell down her pale cheek. "Do you even still love me?"
I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didn't understand why she would ever think I didn't love her. I loved her with everything I had left of me and more. I loved her so much that I was sure that even if the sun blew up and everyone died, I would love her in our afterlife. Until my heart stopped beating, and even then some.
"Dee, I love you, okay? I love you so much that every time I'm near you, my lungs forget how to breathe and I feel the flutters of a million butterflies in my stomach." She sniffled. "No, I don't even feel butterflies, I feel the whole damn fucking zoo when I'm near you. And when you touch me, I feel like I'm invincible. And when you kiss me, it doesn't get any better than that."
She looked at me. Her eyes red, from a mixture of her tears and the drugs. She nodded and I understood. She didn't need to use words. She didn't need to tell me she loved me, I just knew.
"Please, don't ever leave." Her voice cracked.
"Where would I go? What would this world be worth living in if you weren't right by my side?" I smiled.
She embraced me into her arms, and for the first time in a long time, I felt completely loved.
"I'll be around more, okay? I promise you." And I meant it. She needed me and I needed to be there for her.
But I found out that night, that it didn't matter whether I was around or not. She didn't want to be here and I wasn't going to be able to prevent that.
Demi and I laid down on the wet grass outside, alcohol in our veins and our hands locked, laughing and simply existing.
She rolled on top of me, hovering over me.
"You know I love you, right?" She whispered.
I could see the moonlight glistening in her eyes.
"You know I love you too, right?" I whispered back.
"I know." She kissed me gently. "But, no matter what happens, you know that I love you?"
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Are you okay?"
"Perfect." She smiled. "I just want you to know that I love you, Sel. You've bought so much into my life. Positive things. Happiness, peace, comfort, warmth, love." She took a breath. "You give me it all."
"And I will continue to give it to you every day for the rest of our lives."
"Mm." She hummed as she pushed herself off me and stood up.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me up with her before pulling me into what was possibly one of the most comforting and tightest hugs she had ever given me.
We stayed like that for at least ten minutes, just holding each other. No words were needed. The world was ours and we were about to grab it with open arms.
"I'm gonna go home." She mumbled into my neck. "You stay here, have fun and let loose."
"Are you sure?" My lips brushed her neck.
"Yeah baby."
"Okay." I pulled away from her.
She kissed my lips like it was the last kiss she would ever give me. "I am so in love with you, never forget that, my love."
And with that, she turned around and walked away from me.
