The Tall Tales of Daphne Monroe

Wednesday 21st January.

8:00am.

Eddie greets me this morning with an interpretation of my spectacular fall from yesterday.

After I kill Fiona he's next on my list.

Only he's laughing as he does it and then throws his arm around my shoulders to give me a friendly shake.

'You, my friend, are comedy gold.'

Doesn't fill me with confidence, let me tell you.

'That's not a compliment, is it?'

'Not really. But still, if you wanted to make an impression at your new school...girl, you did it.'

Christ.

Why is my life so cataclysmically un-fab?

1:00pm

Have you ever been dragged into the dining hall during lunch hour?

No, I hadn't either. Not until now.

But apparently my new 'friends' thought hiding in the bathroom full of shame and regret was unacceptable, and I needed to hold my head high to show that I wasn't embarrassed.

You know how, in movies, the character knows they are about to die and simply accept it so they close their eyes and just...stop moving?

Well, it seems I know I'm about to die. Because I cannot move.

And believe me, my eyes are FIRMLY shut.

They are like little piggy eyes, all squinty and scrunched up.

It appears once you've made a fool of yourself it is very easy to do it all over again.

1:15pm

After Alex makes me unwrap my scarf from my head and take the sunglasses off, it actually isn't that bad.

Only two lacrosse players from last night have come up and spoken to me, and that's to ask if I was OK.

'No, I actually died last night from embarrassment and am now confined to spend the rest of eternity as a lonely ghost. But thanks for asking.'

I was actually going to say that but then...he comes over.

I don't know his name, but it could have been as stupid as Graham the Dog's for all I care.

He is a... Dreamboat.

'Hey, Eddie. Girls,' he says as he sits down opposite me. 'Daphne, right?'

It takes me a second to realise that's me; I'm Daphne! Speak, woman, speak!

'Uh-huh.'

Well, that sounded almost human. Nice one.

'Nice fall last night, I heard you really stuck the landing.'

I would've put him on my 'to kill' list, only he's smiling nicely as he says it. Plus he has a French accent. Phwoar.

'A definite nine point seven at least.'

That's better; keep saying words. You can do this!

He laughs. Score.

'Anyway,' he turns back to Eddie. Boo. 'Sorry I missed practice last night, but I'll see you tomorrow?'

'Sure, see you later.'

He stands up to leave. Ooh... he's tall. Broad shoulders- one on either side of his head, lovely, just where they should be...big hands too- Stop it! Head in the game, Daph!

'See you girls around. Daphne, try not to attack any more innocent bystanders.'

There's a weird high pitch noise coming from...oh, God! From me! I'm trying to laugh but it sounds like I have a bug caught in my throat!

Not only do I look like a pig but also I now sound like one!

Nurse, help me!! Or kill me, either will do.

3:00pm

Apparently my friends, my darling friends, don't know what to mock me on more. The complete spectacle I made of myself last night...or the one I made at lunchtime.

Well, they say variety is the spice of life.

Dad moved us once; maybe he'll be willing to do it again?

I hope so. I'll even let him name the pub after me if we do. I'll have killed myself by then anyway, so it won't matter.

5:00pm

I get home to find Dad huffing and puffing away under the bar, Dire Straits playing in the background.

Billy is over in the corner, doing his homework with his tongue sticking out between his teeth. I can see the scar where he bit right through it a couple years ago.

I head over to Dad.

'Whatcha doing down there?'

'Searching for the lost city of Atlantis.'

'Need a hand?'

'Sure. Can you hand me that screwdriver?'

I hand one over from the toolbox and jump up onto the bar, swinging my legs.

'How's school going?' he asks, his voice slightly muffled.

'Fine.'

'Just fine?'

'And dandy.'

'Tell Dad all about it.'

'I may...have made a fool of myself a little bit.'

Dad stops working and his head appears out from under the bar.

'Only a little bit? You're getting better kiddo.'

Charming. Utterly charming.

He dodges a swipe from me and catches the dirty rag I throw at his face. He's got that annoying smirk on his face he gets when he knows he's winding me up.

'What happened? Is there a boy involved?'

'Only during one of the times.'

'Christ, there's more than one time? Please tell me no one knows you're related to me.'

'Oh, har-har.'

'Spill.'

'Let's just say it involved an old woman, a pram and a baby.'

'Say no more. Anything I can imagine is WAY better than whatever it is you were going to tell me.' He laughs but stops when he sees my face. 'You OK?'

'Sure. I'll be fine.'

Dad hugs me, and it's nice. We haven't hugged in a while, not since he told me we were moving. Its not fun fighting with my Dad, not that I would ever tell him that.

'Give 'em hell.'